Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

Pretty sure a sex worker isn’t going to divulge appointment information to anyone except perhaps the police in case of emergency

I commented only on @Frillysweetpea if you all look at she said. I regularly support financially a womens shelter for prostitution in the states for years. And i am against it vehemently however the comment she made was saying women are exploited -Yes i agree they are.
Some men take advantage of this.

I am going to be speaking to him this evening, with the main aim of sorting who stays where and who has the kids when. Several people have advised me to keep my plan to divorce secret. Can I please ask why that is? I've read that financial history is investigated during the divorce process so he shouldn't be able to hide anything away now?

If he moves a lot of money to an account somewhere else it can take years to track it down and cost a lot to sort it out.
If you don’t have a joint account/joint savings it is less of an issue.

Depends on your circumstances and whether you have been in charge of the finances, so you know everything. If not, be very careful, they are very clever where money is concerned, particularly when a divorce is mentioned
Remember, he is not your friend.

I’ve been where you are OP, I’m so sorry, I discovered my ex husband was using escorts and meeting women on dating websites when our twins were a few months old. I still don’t know how he found the time or the energy!

Find a solicitor who will offer a free 30 minute consultation over the phone. That helped me get my head into gear a bit over the next step. The actual divorce process took a few months for us (I went down the no fault route to make things easier). I couldn’t afford to buy him out of the house we were in but my solicitor was great at sorting out an agreement where I took the equity from the house which allowed me to buy a new home for our children. In my particular situation I didn’t have much faith in ex DH that he would ever do anything to provide a stable home for our children, so I needed to do everything I could to ensure that I did.

Its very easy to hide savings, even when financial disclosures are made, but ultimately upto you how much you want to push for things and whether you think he has a lot to hide.

Weird things get moved around houses all the time. This doesnt sound like cheating . Are you sure the cleaner is ok and not planting weird things in the house. Far fetched but you never know. Far more likely a fake nail or earring just dropped off. I doubt he's bringing women home.....i mean the logidtics of it....you, the kids, a cleaner lurking about. It would be a bit of a minefield for hom to negotiate.

What? Are you sayong Trans women shagging ppls hudbands. Is that a thing ?

Depends on a lot of things - if he's PAYE it's a lot easier than if he's self-employed/business owner. It's also more difficult these days with everything online - fewer paper trails than in the past. You'll need to find out as much you can about your finances.
I was shocked by how nasty my exH got during the divorce, as he seemed to have a complete lack of regard for the welfare of the DC, who live with me, and seemed to make it his objective to ruin me, despite the impact on our DC. He failed, I got a good settlement but it was v stressful and cost thousands.
I was lucky to have excellent legal support - more by luck than judgment really, I just really liked her when we spoke on the phone, and I didn't have a clue what I was doing.
So take some time to collect yourself and make a plan. You'll need to think about whether he'll have the DC 50-50, where you'll live, where he'll live, house equity, pensions and any savings.

No, although I expect that's a thing too.
She's saying married men who cross-dress in secret, when their wives had no idea when they met/married them.

@mouseymouse123 I was really not trying to be goady, and my username is not actually because I want or like to upset people, in fact it is the opposite. It would be a very rare occurrence for me to get "kicks" out of someone elses pain, that is reserved for people like paedophiles who get their comeuppance from other inmates while they are serving time in our prisons.

I will often play Devil's Advocate because I think it is very important that people - particularly when they are very upset - take time to breathe, and to try to look at other ways that a sitiation may be interpreted, or if it is obvious that a situation is exactly what it seems to be, then to make sure that no other important considerations are overlooked.

From your responses to pp's (previous posters) OP, you did sound - understandably - very confused and upset, and most of us human beings cannot function properly, or think clearly, when we are going through hightened emotions, you even asked a pp if it was ok to actually wait a while, and to not make any hasty decisions that could not be undone (not your actual words, but the flavour of them I think).

However, since you gave me your response to my post, you sound like a very different person to the one who made the original OP, in as much as you were very confused and upset at that time. But now that you have had things clarified to your own satisfaction, you are now absolutely certain that your relationship with your husband can never be improved, and that you don't have a choice in whether it would be best for you and your dear children to try couples counselling or not, as you know that you could never trust him again. As that brooks no arguments, I will not expend any more of my mental energy in suggesting a slower more considerate course of action, as it is obviously not needed in your situation.

I was truly only trying to be helpful @mouseymouse123, but I know that many people find my way of thinking to be very strange, so I am sorry if my input caused you any extra stress, as that was the opposite to what I had intended. I wish you and your children the best of luck, and lots of happiness in your new, upcoming life changes.

Oh right. I misunderstood. I guess they are both a thing.

Absolutely do not mention what you are thinking. I have known what men do and for a long time after to their wives when divorce is even mentioned.

Money is often the biggest thing they will use. Get copies and copies of anything and everything. Be very very careful about your own accounts, would they be able to access them? Also be super careful about devices in the property.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP.

100% agree with this.

My experience: computer rigged with spyware - account passwords accessed - accounts emptied.
Luckily, discovered where monies went, by pure chance, so was included in the Form E accounting.

Move any money you have into a new account, opened in branch, with no online access

Good luck.

I think the advice is to keep quiet about divorce so they don't immediately start hiding financial information, pensions, savings, moving money to different accounts etc. If you let him know in advance he can start to become devious. If there are any documents at home or any you can access start getting all copies now.

I think that would have been a different route of not telling him what you found, researching all the financials secretly and then hitting him with the “leave now and I want a divorce” doesn’t really apply in your situation. (Seeing as you told him your findings and asked him to leave so he already knows)

I paid for a solicitor to advise me but we did the divorce online. Nobody checked his finance although he did show me a pension statement, bank statements & payslip. He could easily have not shown me a bank statement for an account he had. So you don’t always have a financial investigation when divorcing although they do have to sign to say they’ve declared everything.

Read the OP’s updates. He has been found out to have been using prostitutes.

Because he's a sneaky, lying pos and he will out to harm you as soon as he realises you're going to escape.

You've already told him too much, tell him nothing more about your plans.

You don't tell your enemy your strategy in a war.

I know. I saw that. Nasty shock. Get rid of him. He's a creep..

Hoping you’re doing okay.

It really is important to keep your cards close to your chest and gather information and make a clear plan that won’t be derailed by any amount of emotion or manipulation.

It sounds awful to suddenly not trust the person who should be most trusted in your life with basic life information but partnerships carry unique stresses and when those bonds are broken, the whole dynamic changes.

People can be astoundingly disappointing and in this circumstance the key is accepting that before having it further proven.

Really hope you’re navigating this ok and know this isn’t about you at all, it’s a failing in him and his lies won’t stop at “it was just a massage”, so be prepared to pretend to be immune and cope with the feelings in a space that doesn’t include your husband.

Good luck

Are you okay?

@mouseymouse123 So he's admitting to nothing or saying nothing but you've not said that he is up in arms about the injustice of being accused of something he says he hasn't done? So what do you know about what you think he's been up to? The phone call log, the nail and the earring are evidence you've mentioned that need explaining - but you've not got any further with any of that yet?

Personally, I'm impressed by your crystal clear stance on this - I know real life situations often make it hard for some people to put their imagined deal breakers into action. The bit that moves me the most is that you have 2 lovely daughters 3 and 6 - this is such wonderful age - such a precious thing to have in your life now and going forward - it was one of the most precious things in my life too - I would really think hard about how anything might affect them - young kids seem so resilient (partly oblivious perhaps) in many ways "at the time" but I've found that it's only years later that certain things had had more of an impact than I thought or knew at the time when stressful things were happening in my life... BUT - we are only human, none of us are perfect, and (IMHO) regrets often emerge about parenting long after the parenting phase has ended (if indeed if ever does) so I hope you don't let this spoil your enjoyment of your children - (time goes so fast and they grow up so fast) and that the effect on them is as small as possible.

tc

I have been thinking of you and hoping things are going as well as possible.

How are you doing? X