Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

Your ex sounds like a psycho.
Huggy personal trainer needs to rein it in.

This is coercive control.
Your (now ex) boyfriend is dangerous.
Do not let him back in your headspace of life

Honestly, so much of what you’re saying I can unfortunately relate to. All I can really say is that it won’t get better and you need to leave.

He has issues and you can’t change or fix him. You’ve done nothing wrong, but he’s not your problem to solve. You need to protect yourself and find your own worth.

This also isn’t love - it’s toxic infatuation and is actually very much like an addiction.

Tell someone. This will be an important step towards having the courage to leave.

Also - consider therapy. It will help.

I think that I am just so in love with him

What do you think love is? As that’s not what this is. This is low self esteem, poor boundaries and fear.

What’s your relationship history like? As something has clearly made you believe that this sort of insane behaviour is acceptable.

ETA: and who gives a shit if he’s a ‘dismissive avoidant’? There is no need to internet therapy speak this. He’s treated you like shit. Stop fucking letting him.

@Wittypeach Nothing you do will ever be enough because he is an abusive cunt.

Please let that sink in. It's not you, it's him.

You need to work on your confidence and self esteem.

Congratulations you are no longer attached to an abusive angry dickhead.

Please don't take him back, because he will come back - it's all part of the playbook to keep you submissive and trampled on

You haven’t told anyone because you know it’s wrong and they won’t approve and no longer like him. See how you’re already trained?

Does he have a problem with you going out with friends? He might not say at the time but it will either be a sulk or could be a big argument a few days later from nothing?

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.
He has shown you he has zero respect, zero trust & baselessly used disgusting, misogynist language.
The fact you were already modifying your behaviour because of his jealousy issues is concerning.
Wishing you well & hoping some time & perspective can make you see this for what it is & that you deserve much better 💐

Please do work on your own self esteem and confidence. Your responses are really worrying. To have cheated on you at the start of the relationship for those ridiculous reasons is abhorrent. The fact you are allowing to be treated like this is a real concern. You deserve so much more so please think about your own worth and how you allow yourself to be treated. May help to read your comments back and think how you would advise that person. Sending you a virtual hug OP and please do let a trusted friend in on this as sounds like you could do with a friendly ear right now and some support.

It really doesn't matter what his problem is, OP - its not something for you to "fix". If he wants a healthy relationship, he would sort himself out.

Your focus should be on yourself and your feelings - how all this made you feel. Were you ever happy, did he make you happy? Did he enhance your life in any way? I seriously doubt he did.

No healthy relationship would require you to bend into a pretzel to "prove" anything. This is so staggeringly wrong I can't even begin to explain! Please, please have therapy and discuss it with someone. Your current idea of what a relationship should be is completely screwed up. Instead of researching him (waste of time), do some research on why women chose to live with abusers and what can be done about that.

So he slept with someone else and you're the one bending over backwards to make him trust you???? Make it make sense please!

Is he Andrew Tate?

Seriously, do not let him back in, he is not the catch he obviously thinks he is.

@Wittypeach he went and as he he judging you by who he is and how he thinks and acts .
He is the cheat get gaslights you he is a massive red flag and a massive manipulator .
Id block him be thankful and never speak to him again.
You deserve better.
Go and get the hug you need from the guy at the gym 😂

I honestly wished I hadn't, he didn't even tell me I found out and then had the crying and grovelling at my door, I still loved him and he said he would 'fix it'
I really need this comments m, I feel I have been such a fool.

God almighty, he’s an abusive tool and you have dodged a bullet.

When you said ‘trust issues’, I knew he had cheated.

You did nothing wrong - apart from staying with this controlling, paranoid loser for far too long.

Don’t let him back in. And you might want to think about why you stayed so long with him and why you don’t dump him ages ago. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to prove to anyone that you’re honest - especially when he has cheated.

red flags everywhere!

Really sorry, he sounds manipulative and narcissistic.

Look up DARVO and see whether it fits - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

You deserve a man that trusts you and admires you and is open, honest and straightforward. If you can't recognise that kind of man from your upbringing or any man you've dated in the past, please get some therapy and learn to see through the charming men who bring confusion and pain and learn to have faith in your own boundaries.

A woman can be friends with any man she likes and a mature, loving man would understand that.

You don't love him. You're trauma-bonded to an abusive person. You've had a lucky escape. A man this controlling is dangerous. Thank your lucky stars he removed himself out of your life and work on yourself before dating again. And do NOT let him back in. Ever.

Nothing you do will EVER be enough. He is deeply and irretrievably flawed. This is him, not you.

We all been fools at some point in our lives, and its generally easier to comment on someone else's situation than to see your own shit show as its unfolding.

Please make sure you are prepared for another bout of "grovelling and crying" as this prince among the men will no doubt reappear in your life sometime soon. Whatever happens, do not take him back. Read about controlling relationships with jealous insecure cunts - its never a pretty read.

And please concentrate on yourself and seek some therapy. You deserve love, respect and being with someone who adores you. And, obviously, being single is preferable to being abused!

I hope you’re feeling a bit better and much more positive this morning OP. I’ve been in the situation you describe with someone who keeps you on tenterhooks second guessing your own behaviour and using accusations of infidelity as a tool of control. Please take this window of opportunity and escape through it. He won’t get better and living under that stress is very, very damaging to your mental and physical health. Wishing you all the best and a happy, free future. Cx

OP you sound like a very caring person and I’m so glad you are starting to see the reality of your situation. Please talk to someone in real life - you’ve nothing to feel embarrassed about. This horrible man has treated you very badly but a better life is now waiting for you. If it was the other way round and a friend told you this had happened to them I’m sure you’d want to help them.

he told me I hadn't protected the relationship and that I guess as revenge he cheated

Thank your lucky stars you are free of him. Don't put up with being gaslit, being treated as less than or being told you can't be friends with Men. Your Ex was an abusive weirdo.

So he has cheated but you haven’t yet he got angry and dumped you?! Believe it or not this has been the best thing to happen to you! He is not a good man and you can do better. You know it.

Why are you with this man. I think you need some counselling. The way you talk about trying to protect his feelings, you don’t even realize how manipulative and abusive he is. Please think about why you want to be with someone like this. He is a textbook example of an abuser.

Oh gosh OP I’m so sorry that he has made you feel this way. Hugging another man is never a problem, I hugged about 50 men at my wedding and my husband never said a word. We are only hearing a little bit of your relationship here but to me he sounds very controlling and manipulative. Do you have anyone you could tell the truth to in real life? Someone that could then help you stay strong when he undoubtedly comes grovelling back?

He sounds absolutely appalling, he cheated and then blamed you? What exactly is it that you love about him? I never understand when women say they love a man who treats them like shit.

I think you are far better off without him and you should block him because he'll be back and expecting you to grovel and want him back. It's a cycle of controlling behaviour and abuse and you'd be very foolish to take him back.

This wasn't a healthy relationship and you deserve better. Please don't waste any more of your time on this man.