Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

Stay strong, OP. Do not let this abusive wanker back into your life. Eastern European men (yes, I know, not all of them) are in the stone age when it comes to their attitude to women. I should know, I'm eastern European myself (though we prefer the term Central European, actually 😉).
Enjoy your freedom. Don't give it up too easily.

Good! Another few years he’d have cut you off from family and friends and made you hand over your bank account. And made you think it was all your fault and that you’re never ‘enough.’ He’s abusive. Look after yourself and get some therapy to process it. A good relationship does not destroy your nervous system or make you walk on eggshells.

"no woman of his"

Did you point out you're not a dog and he doesn't actually own you?

ETA: I've just seen your updates. Well done, honestly you've dodged a massive bullet. Go and enjoy yourself with your friends and relish how it feels to be free from controlling and coercive pressure!

Your dp was looking for a way out he could blame on you. Ever heard the expression 'there's something sbout that person i dislike about myself'
I think he's the one chesting.
(As an aside management needs to have a word with the idiot gym instructor. What sort of a fool in a professional setting goes up and hugs a female customer in front of her partner?!)

Well done OP - my advice is 'find your anger', and keep very very busy over the next couple of weeks.

Preferably with things you enjoy and / or use a lot of energy.

See friends, go to the gym, take on a big project like decorating a room or putting all your un-needed possessions on Vinted or EBay, batch cook for the freezer, start your Christmas lists, anything and everything to stop you brooding.

Then start self-help. Read the books, find a way to coach yourself, work out what you most want in life and what you deserve, what respect and teamwork means, observe relationships that you are confident are healthy. Enjoy YOU - do things you are good at and give yourself credit. Be conscious and intentional about your decision making - start with small things - why do you choose the groceries that go in your basket. Respect your own decision making and give your self credit for good choices.

You will make it OP - you made a great start by starting this thread and then being receptive to what people posted.

Your life is YOURS now.

You're not insane.
When in a relationship with a toxic/disordered/abusive person lots of us become addicted to the drama. The highs and lows keep you off balance and a kind of trauma bond can form which feels very intense and compelling. This all makes it very difficult to be rational and see what's really going on.

(Nearly) everyone else's comments are saying the same thing - You've done your best and it wasn't enough for him. You're well out of the relationship.
Good luck with the rest of your life.

You have had a very lucky escape.....

“No woman of his”

is a dealbreaker alone

good riddance

that's what gaslighting is they make u feel insane like u crazy !!!
My advise go and have a fun weekend and leave him to it because if he says u are not what he believes u should be then he won't want u back !!
Guaranteed he will beg U for forgiveness when he realises I not going to give in !!
You have got to stay super strong now and realise your worth he is the one with insecurities if he has to do this to keep a girlfriend your the prize girl !!!! ♥️😁♥️😁

I'm sure you do and understandably so, but I really think this is a stroke of good luck for you. That wasn't anything like a normal reaction from your now-ex boyfriend.

@Wittypeach what you do now is you get used to being on your own and see it as a positive.
Don't rush to meet someone until you like and respect yourself more.
Honestly, you deserve better

"He said that that I had ruined the relationship because if had protected the relationship he wouldn't of gone off and did what he did."

This is called DARVO - it is part of an abusive relationship. https://www.emotionalaffair.org/darvo-in-relationships/

He's done you a favour. This man is bad news. Red flag central.

Make sure you block him and remove him from all social media. Do not respond to any attempts to contact you.

He may be testing you - seeing what you will tolerate. He is trying extend his control by dictating how you behave, who you talk to, and who you're friends with etc. No one has the right to dictate that to you. You did nothing wrong.

Well done. That's just what you need. Have a good time and maybe when you're back take another look at this thread and some of the excellent advice?

Just make sure you keep him blocked and ignore any attempts from him to reel you back in. Then maybe spend some time working out to build your confidence in yourself so that you spot red flag merchants like this from the outset. Good luck.

The only question you should be asking yourself is why you hooked up with such a control freak in the first place. I’d say you’ve had a lucky escape. If by any chance he contacts you to say he’s decided to give you a second chance, tell him where to stick it.

The trash has taken itself out which is a good thing.

Please get therapy as soon as possible as you will need help here. Please do not let him back into your life.

Sounds like you’re very well rid of him and lucky to find out so early on in the relationship. Just be glad you’ve dodged a bullet.

Just to agree with everyone else – you are honestly better off without this man. Please don’t ever get back with him. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Well done! You should be really proud of yourself.

Baby steps. Be kind to yourself. If you can find a therapist, a counsellor or a support group or some self help books, etc that can support you and get you to see and truly believe that you deserve great things and to be treated with respect and kindness, that you have nothing to prove to anyone, let alone jealous, lying, cheating dirtbags, that might be a good place to start before you even think about dating someone again.

You've saved potentially months or years of eventual unhappiness with this person. Jealousy is not called the green eyed monster for no reason.
Let him go, don't try and explain repeatedly as he may then call you a liar, and potentially embarrass you in front of personal trainer,

block him from looking at your social media as well.

This ⬆️

I have only read your messages so this may have been said: look up Burned Haystack Dating Method. Definitely worth you learning how to avoid undeserving men in the future.

You’re not stupid at all. he’s done this because you’ve got a weekend away planned. He’s caused an argument to ruin your trip.

It starts slow until you’re in deep. The freedom program is a good idea. You see the light now. You just need time to heal your heart. Keep posting as he will start calling and texting soon.

Stay the hell away from ALL men, indefinitely.

No man is worth living a life of such abuse.

I would totally need to shag a 20 year old PT to get over this... it's your only option.