Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

Well you are not being stupid now. And in fact by being able to see this and take action you have shown you are 100% not stupid. You made a mistake, and you are learning from it. I think you have been very brave and strong to take on board what everyone has said.

Maybe a bit of counselling will help you gain a bit more self worth and understand that you deserve a lovely man that loves you to pieces.

Well done 👏
What to do next - talk to your friends and family. Please don't feel embarrassed. The more you talk about the truth of what you have been experiencing, the stronger you'll feel out of that relationship, and the more validated you will feel. You don't need to defend yourself to anyone but yourself. Put you first, love yourself, and surround yourself with those who truly love and respect you.
You've got this 💜

Spend some time being single, building up your own self worth. See a therapist, if you can. Even books or podcasts about it will help you understand your patterns of behaviour.
By repeatedly rejecting you, he made your desire for him stronger. You can learn to spot these men much earlier.

He cheated on you and after that, you had to show him you could be trusted?

Fuck. Ing. Hell.

I am so glad you have blocked him.
Please please please please please keep him blocked.

He is a gigantic sack of shit.

yep.
Get out there and hug whoever you want.,

Others have already said it but this needs emphasising again and again: you are not his personal property and you should thank your lucky stars that he voluntarily exited your life. You are FREE OP! Celebrate this! You are free of a massive dickhead who was only ever going to shrink your world and cause you grief. Be very sad for the next poor woman who gets lumbered with this waste of space.

I find it so sad that at age 35 you thought his behaviour is normal. His behaviour is horrific. Nice, decent men are happy for their wives and girlfriends to hug men and say hello.

Today is the first day of your new life. Please for the love of god don’t fall for his shit when he wants you back. He will no doubt be abusive in the future.

I had an inkling he wouldn’t be from the UK. Sorry.

Noooooo! Dont call yourself stupid, you're just a nice, trusting person who was doing your best to make your partner happy! It just happens it was wasted on this particular guy. And it's really hard to see it from the inside, sometimes you need an outside perspective.

Youll find someone who actually cares about you and really deserves your love ❤️ and doesnt treat you like some subhuman species to order around and control

I love this post! You are going to be fine 💕

You should feel liberated and free!

this “man” called you a slag because a young person greeted you with a friendly and innocently meant hug.

you should have binned HIM for talking to you like this.

you that you are worth more than this

I hug and fist bump my PT all the time. I see him most days cos I train a lot. He’s like my annoyingly fit little brother…

you know the score here, you know you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither is the PT.

your ex is abusing you, he’s controlling and he’s genuinely awful.

let him go and don’t look back.

Have you heard of the boiled frog analogy?

How the Metaphor Works

• Sudden danger: If you drop a frog into boiling water, it jumps out immediately to save itself.
• Slow danger: If you put a frog in lukewarm water and turn up the heat very slowly, it adjusts to the tiny changes and does not jump out.
• The result: The water gets too hot too late, and the frog dies because it failed to react to the creeping danger.

You weren’t stupid! You have been a victim of a very dangerous unpleasant abusive man.

You are not stupid, you are vulnerable. Those are two very different things. People like your ex scumbag actively look for people they can torment in order to make them feel bigger. But they are the insecure stupid weaklings, not the women they put through the wringer and who are strong enough to put up with an enormous amount of shit (that they shouldn't have to put up with in the first place). What you need to do is reframe what you need, what makes you happy, what validates you as a human being. It's not a failure or a reflection on you if you don't get the happy-forever type of marriage your parents have. Maybe it'll happen, maybe not, but ultimately, you have a duty to yourself first and foremost. Respect yourself and others will as well.

He's not dismissive avoidant. He's an abusive cunt that you're well rid of.

Don't think badly of yourself, think about what a prick he was and how much better your life will be without his poisonous nature in it.

@Wittypeach please don’t beat yourself up

When I finally got free of my sons dad, almost 10 years after I met him, I felt I was the most stupid person who had ever walked the earth.

but it was HIM who was stupid. He failed ME.

you will grow and learn from this. He’ll always be a vile excuse for a human being.

take yourself off to the gym and make yourself feel better

It would be more appropriate to feel grossly insulted and raging anger. How dare he speak to you like that, and treat you like a possession? You are well out of this OP. Live your life on your own terms and have fun. You dodged a bullet here.🌺

Let him go. He's not going to change.

The trash took itself out, sis. Gather your girlfriends and throw a celebration - you’re free from a jealous, possessive lunatic who would have made your life hell 💖

Over the years, I have tried so hard to show him that I can be trusted and I have done everything humanly possible but nothing has ever been enough, he just takes things and makes up his own version of events and no matter what I say it doesn't make a difference.
Good to read the above OP. You have the key phrases there.
1). Whatever you do will never be 'enough' because he will keep demanding more.
2). He will make his own version.
You probably feel like you have just fallen down a cliff and it is a Bank Holiday weekend coming up. I hope you can arrange something to actively do. (probably in the rain)

Thank fuck this abusive arsehole has taken himself off. Just IMAGINE how horrible a life with him would be. Yuk. Time to start celebrating OP. 💪🏼🥂

You poor thing. You're not stupid at all, you're just a nice person with low self esteem. Work on that, focus on your friends, not relationships, for a while, and rebuild. Men need women a whole lot more than women need men. Once you realise that, you can have healthier relationships.

To be honest im going to creamfields the weekend so I can let loose and enjoy my freedom in the mud with my friends not having to worry about my phone or any allegations the next day!

Instead feel relieved. Very, very relieved.

OP - as others have said, he is an abusive, misogynistic, cheating, gaslighting prick. You are VERY LUCKY that he removed himself from the relationship because the alternative was you coming to this realisation 3 or 4 years down the line when your confidence was on the floor and he had far more control over you. The most important thing to know at this point is that no matter how low you feel, do not let him backtrack or try to weedle his way back in. At the moment, he has the ego-boost of being the one to end things, and that is crucial and you want it to stay that way. Men like your ex are all about ego and control and should you re-start the relationship but then try to end it down the line on YOUR terms, things can get ugly, quickly.

Please accept the gift of freedom that has been handed to you, albeit knowing that it will be painful for a while.

Spend some time on yourself now. I would suggest some counselling for your self-worth, personal growth and confidence. Think about all the bad relationships you've come out of and use them to set clear boundaries for your future. Go out with friends. Take yourself away somewhere you have always wanted to go. Focus on your career, your personal goals and your inner joy. Accept the sad/lonely days as part of your journey - we forget that it's normal to feel sad/lonely/bored/frustrated sometimes. That doesn't mean you're failing at life, it's ok to feel shit sometimes.

Ah that’s great! Just enjoy your single life, stress free from annoying controlling men 🫶

Partner is wrong but PT shouldn't be hugging his clients. It's a professional relationship, you're not best friends.

Edit: should have RTFT. Your partner is even more in the wrong and I'm glad you've ditched him. Should have done it when he cheated (how can you have "loved him so much" that you forgave that?)