Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

You're going to go through the motions of missing him and wanting him back, I have been there - please be strong and give it time as you WILL look back and realise all the red flags and controlling behaviour is not ok and you'll get to a point where you'll question how you ever put up with him!!!

Be kind to yourself, concentrate on you, surround yourself with friends and keep busy. When you find the next person who is a green flag, you'll be amazed with what you ever put up with but please know what he did was completely in the wrong and you'll realise that the reason he was so controlling and insecure was because he knew what HE was capable of. So he set boundaries and was super insecure because he was worried you could do what he did, even though you're lovely and innocent in this.

You've got this, stay strong!!!!

DUMP! You'll have a life of misery if you stay with this man!

I was thinking about how he behaved... when he drove you back to your house and made you remove all his belongings so that he could drive off in an angry rage.

How cruel, how punishing that must have been.
To go from a happy trip to the gym together to that kind of horrible humiliation in minutes. Having to sit in the car with him on the way to your house with him fuming. It must have been such a shock and quite frightening.

I do agree with others that he may try to contact you again.. to "forgive" you. because he has invested a lot of effort into grooming you, yes grooming, to obey him. He thinks he will have taught you a salutory lesson and that you will be even easier to control, now that you've seen how you will be treated if you don't. But remember that huge personality switch and the cruelty that followed. It was the real him that you saw that day. The lovely dovey him was just an act.

No one deserves to be treated like that.

Also someone said that you shouldn't have said "No" to the trainer. But what else could you have done? You did that because without thinking about it, you knew instinctively how the Ex BF would react. It would have been worse if you'd said nothing and the trainer was even more demonstrative. It doesn't make you responsible for this psycho kicking off like he did.

But If you have to tip toe around someone, making sure there is nothing that will make them kick off and being scared of their reaction.. Then they are NOT for you. Your instincts were telling you that, even when your brain was saying.. perhaps "I'm over reacting, he's just said how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me." And sometimes you have to listen to your gut instinct, it was warning you. I agree that you should get some counselling to help you get over this, you deserve better.

I'm so sorry OP, but I do think as hurt as you feel right now this relationship ending is the best thing to happen. He's abusive and controlling and you deserve better. As the days/weeks go on you will be able to see this with more clarity as you get more distance. You mentioned previous bad relationships too and I wonder if counselling might be good for you. I'm not trying to be harsh but at 35 you should be more aware of red flags, and counselling may help you work through why your standards in romantic relationships are so low.

Good. Never speak to him again. He is pathetic. And the 'trust issues' were almost certainly him cheating on you but accusing you of doing the same with zero evidence.

sorry. saw your post asking for advice after you've blocked him. It would be
get a credit check
change your locks.
Change your passwords, on everything.
get a credit check,
tell your friends. In case he tries to join their social media.
Have someone you can call if he turns up at the door ( have a door chain and a ring doorbell)
open and return and report to post office any odd post. In case he's been using your address.
Tighten up the privacy controls on all your social media.

Then spend time with people who treat you well. Go on a getaway break with friends. Distract yourself, do some things you enjoy.

I hug everyone, as does my husband. If someone told me they were uncomfortable I wouldn't do it again guaranteed.

I don't think lacking the gift of mind reading can be construed as unprofessional though.

My father used to walk out a shop if they called him mate. I once said "you do realise they can't read your mind" so he started telling them he didn't like it and they were fine

Talk to your friends. Be honest.

Do you have children?

Never beg a man to stay with you, never avoid a friendly hug to appease a man (especially an insecure, controlling narcissist).

If a man respects and loves you - They will never ever make you feel like you need to beg them to stay, for their trust, or that you cannot have friends.

This boy is insecure. You've dodged a bullet.

Well done for blocking him. Do not answer the door if he comes round, do not speak to him under any circumstances and if he becomes a pest, call the police.

And as PP have said, stay single for a while, work on yourself and think about therapy to help you with that.

Good luck OP, you are much stronger than you think. You'll get through this ❤️

Next, can you get some counselling?

You need to believe in your own self worth so that the next dickhead that comes along gets told where to go.

You need to arm yourself with how to recognise the red flags straight away.

Build up your self esteem and confidence so another man doesn't get to treat you like this. You are on to much better things without him.

What to do next you ask?

Don’t even think about getting involved with any one else until you have had some pretty extensive therapy

What a limp sad sack (him). He’s done you a massive favour. please get therapy and unpack why you thought any of this was in any way acceptable.

Oh sweetie this is really really bad! I mean I understand overlooking a few flaws because you love a guy and feel like youre lucky to have him...

But this is genuinely one of those things where you read the details of some poor woman's life of being controlled, abused and eventually killed by her partner and think, why didn't she leave him the first time he eg cheated on her and told her it was her fault for being a slag

Can you afford therapy to work out why you think this is all you deserve? Or maybe at least read 'why does he do that'?

I feel like I'm insane now, having over 300 comments on this post and thinking to myself why did I put up with this, all these people say the same thing yet I just couldn't see how stupid I was :(

Very pleased indeed. No decent man would say that 'no woman of his should...' whatever the 'should', that form of words already disqualifies him as a partner. He doesn't own you or anyone.

Try to become more comfortable in yourself before you get into another relationship.

You've dodged a bullet. I hope things get easier soon.

Well done!!

Re what to do next, start thanking your lucky stars your life is no longer ruled by subservience to someone who polices normal behaviour and twists it to suit his sick little agenda.

Contact your best friends, parents or siblings, the ones who really support and care for you and aren't interested in drama, meet up and spend time with them, whether destressing, raging or crying. Take care of yourself, think of the freedom you have to do stuff you want without his control. Do the freedom program, read 'why does he do that?'.

Keep this thread as a record. When you have doubts and start wanting him back, reread it, and remember the facts, this is what happened, this is what you felt, it's still true, valid and real.
If you feel up to it, post again. Not because we are an echo chamber egging you on, but because there is a common thread here, that many women (and possibly some men) from all ages and walks of life recognise his behaviour for what it is and want better for you

I've been there too with the endless abusive relationships. For me, the trick was understanding that it is not my job to soothe and placate (a habit from childhood).

A loving relationship does not put you under stress and does not require you to put in more effort than the person you're with. A loving relationship makes you relax and enjoy life. Until you find that, stay single.

Being single is really great once you learn to treat yourself with kindness. And doing that is worth learning, because it means you don't let anyone into your life unless they actively improve it.

Have a read of this. It used to be pinned to the top of the Relationships board.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

A fish can't see the water it swims in, until it jumps out of its bowl

Excellent (if a bit delayed) choice on your part. What to do next? Enjoy your peace. Maybe do a little house cosying ready for Autumn - I get loads of comfort from fluffy blankets and smelly candles. Take up a new hobby to keep your mind off him. Reach out to friends and family to get support and perhaps some folks to go out a bit more with. Join local social groups if you find yourself at a loose end. Cosy cottage core books - oh my god I love them! Get your hair re-styled. Buy a lovely new outfit and wear it and feel great. Slippers - like who isn't cheered up by fluffy things on your feet. Watch some dreadful rom-coms and have a good cry. Try "He is just not that into you" for help in dating somewhere in the far future. Make plans for a solo weekend away and go and have fun. If Spas are your thing then perhaps a day out to one is called for?

What you should not do is to contact this guy (or reply to him contacting you) ever again. You should also not leap into a new and likely unhealthy relationship to avoid being lonely. Trust me slippers are so much healthier! Give this time. I'd say at least 6 months before you even consider thinking about dating.

Enjoy being single and coze yourself!

The Freedom Program. You'll learn to spot 'em a mile off.

Tell him to shut the door on the way out.

"After reading these comments I think I have been an idiot."

Honey you haven't been an idiot, but you have been way too kind, placatory and understanding to people who absolutely do not deserve it. Contrary to what you might believe about love or relationships, this is not a good attitude. It makes you attractive to dangerous people.

Brilliant that you've blocked him! Now's a good time, as PPs are saying, to ask yourself why you indulged a man who was cruel and didn't respect you. Often the answers lie in your upbringing, or sometimes specific events in your life.

I'd start by asking questions on google and maybe read a few books, to get an idea of what the issues might be. Then discuss them with a professional counsellor or therapist, who'll be very familiar with these patterns and how people can break free of them. Good luck!