Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

He’s an abusive, controlling, cheating scum bag. My word this is a classic example of the trash taking itself out.

You sound so lovely, realise your worth. You deserve better than this nasty creep. I hope as you’re reading these responses you are getting a huge wake up call. You have been slowly boiled!! But your personal agency has been handed back to you. And please move away from the idea you love him, sounds more like you are trauma bonded to an abuser after his cheating.

Good luck moving forward!

Be thankful that you’ve dodged a bullet - he’s utterly vile

You haven't been an idiot - you have been naive and in love and we have all been there at some point. He sounds exactly the same as an ex of mine who I eventually got engaged to. The relationship broke me as a person, I would walk with my head down so I didn't make eye contact with anyone as it would cause an argument, I never went out with friends as it wasn't worth the hassle of the questions the next day until the emotional abuse became physical.
Honestly it may hurt now but he has done you a HUGE favour by breaking up with you. Take the time to love yourself again, develop your confidence and know your self worth. The right guy will respect that not want to blame you for his wrongdoings xxx

no woman of his should

Those words alone should be enough for you to do the ditching. Misogynistic, controlling twat.

like others have said, he will come back. Then he will so this again, and again, until you are too scared to do anything that might piss him off. This is all
About control. It’s abuse, he’s a bad man and if you can find the strength to block and delete him now it will save you a lot of pain.

Let me get this straight as I'm not sure I have this correct. He cheated on you because he found messages from before you got together?

Such a shame you didn't have a crystal ball and know this paragon was going to come into your life. You could have stayed in your bedroom every night until you met him - or perhaps if the crystal ball had shown you the real future you could have run a mile when he appeared on the horizon.

I think you've had a lucky escape

Hope you find someone who truly loves you

Oh come on your 35 not 16. You know this is not rational behaviour from a partner

"No woman of his?"
Which century is he living in?
Are you from the same cultural background?
Consider yourself liberated, not abandoned for heaven's sake!

Lucky escape for you - move on and don’t look back.

Not a normal reaction AT ALL. Dont think twice, just be rid of him. I cannot emphasise this more strongly. I’ve been married over 15 years, dated my DH for maybe 18m and there has not been a single trust issue and he has never called me names.
And its not just snapping in the moment, its following it through making you go in the house and get his stuff and then blocking you. Madness. He will likely contact you in time either saying he’s willing to forgive you or that he’s sorry he got mad but you made him do it. It’s only because he loves you so much blah blah. Then more lovey dovey and then the next moment will arise where you’ve done something ‘wrong’. Before you know it you won’t know right from left because he will have screwed your sense of reality so you think you are the problem. HE is the problem. Full stop. You don’t need anything more from him but for him to leave you alone. You deserve better.

He’s done you a favour by leaving, this way you don’t have to break up with him and negotiate the return of his possessions. Ignore any future communications if he reaches out, consider this an unfortunate learning experience and watch out for similar behaviours in future prospective relationships.

Its natural to feel a flash of jealousy every now and again, what a person should then do is immediately recognise that they have no just cause to suspect their partner, identify that this is their problem not yours, try to figure out why they feel that way. What they should not do is throw a strop, call you names and accuse you of cheating on them. That is the behaviour of a person who can’t control themselves.

I agree. Please don't call yourself an idiot.
Don't take the blame on yourself again for this horrible man, who incidentially sounds more and more insane with every mention of the way he behaves.

He is a thief. He deliberately stole your peace of mind and your confidence in yourself.
He kept saying he loved you, because he'd learnt in the past that was a great way to manipulate people.
You behaved in good faith, that doesn't make you a fool. You were unfortunate to encounter a liar who gets his kicks from manipulating and exploiting people, and making them believe there is something wrong with them. It's him that there's something deeply wrong.

Sometimes it takes a while to see through the web of lies, because its actually hard to believe that someone who appears on the surface to be nice, could be so despicable. But now you have seen through it, congratulate yourself for realising and for protecting yourself and never let him hurt you again.

Hard as it seems at the moment. Its a really good thing this happened and his reign of exploitation has been cut short before he can do any further damage. You will get over this... he will carry on behaving like this. I can't see how that will lead to a happy and satisfying life for him ultimately.

I agree he's a total prick (ex bf) but I suspect your saying 'no' to the trainer made it look worse than it was, like something really was going on that you were hiding. This isn't to blame you, OP, but men like your ex are actively looking for clues like this to confirm their suspicions.

As an aside, I don't think this gym bloke should be hugging clients like this. I'd hate it & would view it as unprofessional behaviour by him. But in this instance he's brought matters to a head and I'd be grateful for it.

I’d get rid of him and the personal trainer. Both sound yuck. 🤮

Not sure why a PT is giving gym members hugs. That's a bit weird and not appropriate.

But matter in hand you need to end the relationship. It's not going to get any better.

Op You are well rid of that idiot move on as others have said.

Good luck.

Oh so he's judging you on his own morals then?

He's a cunt. You lost nothing and can now regain some normality in life. Nothing about how he was treating you is right or normal.

at the start of our relationship he found some old messages from before we was together, he told me I hadn't protected the relationship and that I guess as revenge he cheated.

He tells me that he loves me that's why he is still here after all of this and told me that I don't know how to behave while been in a relationship.

Over the years, I have tried so hard to show him that I can be trusted and I have done everything humanly possible but nothing has ever been enough, he just takes things and makes up his own version of events and no matter what I say it doesn't make a difference.

What a shitstain of a man he is. You are well rid.

Of course this has upset you, when someone does something shocking or rejecting, it is upsetting. And him making a scene in front of people is embarrassing for you.

But it is only a feeling. It doesn't mean he was right in what he said or did. He caused this, not you.

Ultimately everything he does is to control you and hurt you. I strongly suggest you look into some form of therapy or counselling so that you don't fall for this kind of behaviour again in future.

From what you've said, I wouldn't be surprised if he got back in touch with you (as long as you don't contact him begging for another chance) and suggest trying again as long as you can 'learn from this'.

Please don't - he sound manipulating and quite scary. Your life will never be yours again as he will have ground you down. Look after yourself x

Be glad he's gone

No I'm English and he is eastern European

You have dodged a bullet with this one. It’s not you, it’s him. If he comes offering you another chance, tell him where to go.

I hope all the advice on here sticks, and you go on to have much healthier relationships in the future.

I really hope you are taking note of the responses. Pleaae do not returm to this person. He is awful, absolutely awful. Dont listen to any apology or promises. He is not right for you - or anyone else for that matter. He has major issues. Enjoy your life free of him.

it might not seem like it right now but my god he has done you the most enormous favour.

relationships shouldn’t be about being on edge or nervous, treading on eggshells, behaving differently when they are there, worrying what they’ll think. Those are all signs it’s very very wrong for you.