Boyfriend ended relationship after gym misunderstanding with friendly personal trainer

[Wittypeach]

Hi everyone, I really need some outside perspective because I am in shock and questioning myself.
My boyfriend and I have had trust issues and were trying to rebuild. We started going to my gym together. I am 35, and there is a young PT there (around 20) who is just a naturally friendly person. He gives out fist bumps and hugs to regular members. I’ve only ever spoken to him about gym classes, a lost ring, and a minor incident at the gym. It is purely polite, casual small talk.
Today, as we walked into the gym, the PT smiled and walked over to give me a hug. Knowing my boyfriend's jealousy, I immediately backed off, refused the hug, and gave him a fist bump instead, whispering "no". The PT got the message and walked away.
My boyfriend immediately snapped. He told me I could finish my workout but that he was leaving. I followed him out to his car to try and talk to him, but he was having none of it. He ended our relationship right there in the car. He called me a "liar" and a "slag", saying no woman of his should be close enough for a man to feel comfortable hugging her, and insisted something is going on between us.
He then drove me home, made me go inside to get all of his belongings from my house, and drove off. He has now blocked and deleted me on absolutely everything and refuses to speak to me.
I feel completely blindsided, humiliated, and sick to my stomach. I actively tried to stop the hug to respect his boundaries, and now I'm being punished and dumped over it. Am I crazy? Is this reaction normal, or is this extreme control and an excuse to leave? Has anyone experienced a partner completely cutting them off like this?

He’s already controlled you enough that you are policing your behaviour. The dump and block is part of that control - I therefore believe he will be back, so bear that in mind. When he does, you need to run like the wind!

The PT won't be worried. I'd hazard a guess he gets a bit of an ego trip hugging lots of gym clad, sweaty women, under the guise of fist bumps and just being 'friendly'.

Fist bumps ok, but hugs are inappropriate and unprofessional. He shouldn't be getting that close and friendly with his clients.

You will get over this and it won't get any better if you stay with him. He's done you a massive favour. Just run.

massive red flag , do not take him back under any circumstances.

‘No woman of mine….’
You dodged a bullet there, lovey.

Definitely take this as a lucky escape, and please do some work on building up your self worth 🫤

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Take a look at this programme. It really helps women to identify abusers and how they work.

It doesn’t stop men being abusive, but it helps women identify l, early on, the signs and red flags.

Your ex BF sounds awful so do not have any contact at all. He may unblock you in a while and attempt. I would be changing my number.

I am questioning the PT hugging people though, does he hug the blokes? he is an idiot for doing this. Misguided t best, creepy weirdo at worst.

He kind of does I guess, he will go up to people very confidently arms round them, saying safe to men and woman.

He sounds vile and it sounds like it was a very unhealthy relationship. You’ve dodged a bullet there, although I do expect he’s just trying to make a point and will be back. Don’t let him back. Block and find someone nice who doesn’t cause all of this drama.

You are so lucky. This is the biggest blessing that ever happened in your life.

It doesn't matter whether he's (fake) nice to other people. That's pretty common in abusers. He's NOT nice to you.

Have you done a Clare's law check on him?

You're not an idiot. Abusers pick on vulnerable people. Do the Freedom Programme to help you.

Please don't re-engage with this sorry excuse of a bf when he magnanimously decides to 'give you another chance ' Block him right back, at least he already has his belongings so you don't ever need to set eyes on him again. Let me guess that the 'trust issues ' were created in his own misogynistic, controlling head? You can do so much better.

Don’t fall back into his trap if he comes back!!! Please do some reading on this cycle, he is grooming you and training you and it’s working.

You are in a seriously dangerous position because you are hungry for love. He will ruin your life if you get back together with him now.

This.

'No woman of his' comment should be enough to make you run for the hills. You aren't a piece of property that he owns. You are an individual, independent woman, with your own thoughts, opinions and dreams.

There's nothing wrong in another person giving you a hug. You stopped him because you knew how your boyfriend would react. You shouldn't have to modify who you are, or ask other people to modify who they are, because your boyfriend is insecure and jealous. Those emotions are his emotions, they aren't yours to manage.

I understand you are feeling hurt. I fully expect your boyfriend to unblock you and start telling you that he's 'willing to give you another chance' and that to 'prove you are willing to change, you must find a new gym/stop attending the gym'.

Your boyfriend has handed you a 'get out' from this awful relationship. Take it in both hands, and be grateful you can escape his abusive behaviour. No one has the right to control who you see, when, where.

He'll come crawling back, I guarantee it.
This is just another stage of your "training" - he's training you to not have any friendly contact with other men, and to fall over yourself to try to please him.
You need to have a strategy in place for when he comes back.
I don't think you're in love with him, but the idea of the man you'd like him to be. He's not that man - he's petty, jealous and controlling.

So he was already being coercive and controlling then, and you just missed the signs. This would have just been the beginning and it would only have got worse. I know you are confused now, but honestly as other posters say, you’ve had a merciful escape. Block him and move on. You deserve better.

Be thankful he has shown his true colours.

men who love you don’t cheat on you, men who love you don’t blame you for their failures and men who love you feel safe and secure in their relationship.

lesson learned , move on, no matter how much you love him do not take him back or this behaviour will escalate.

op look up trauma bond. This is what you’re in. That deep love you feel for this man is actually deep fear of abandonment, that he’s created by his extremes of good and bad treatment towards you. You’re in effect addicted to his affection and being in his good books. Please tell your friend all of this and get another real life perspective and support or he’ll draw you back in and actually ruin your precious life. It’ll feel horrendous for a while but you’ll look back and see what this is once that trauma bond is broken. He’s trash

He's a massive misogynistic prick who clearly watches the likes of the rapist Andrew Tate. Have some respect for yourself and never speak to the nasty fucker ever again. The go and get some counselling to get to the bottom of why you ever got involved with somebody like that in the first place.

You have reached level 2 of training.

He wants you to feel this way. He may even try and get back together with you in a week or so, but it will be under his rules... starting the controlling.

Honestly, as other MN's say, you've dodged a bullet. You can hug whoever you want to hug, it's a hug. He doesn't get to say anything in that. He has trust and jealousy issues and life is too flipping short to tip-toe appeasing people like this.

Take some time out, some TLC and then just live your life without him.

Think about it, if you would be embarrased if your friends knew how he behaves and that you still stayed with him - is this a good relationship? I know you said you don't know what a good one is - it's one where you can proudly tell people what a wonderful person your partner is.

Also, OP there are courses online that you can do to help with breaking free from abusive men. You deserve so much more 💓