August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

Thank you. My daughter is such a happy child, and we have the loveliest bond. She adores me and I adore her. I do think experiencing this has bought up a lot of grief. The only feeling I can remember from being a child is a deep loneliness, fear and shame. I used to crave my older sister being around as that was the only place i got affection.

I asked my mum recently why she then went on to have my little brother (her fourth child) and apparently I was ‘getting spoilt’ by my older sister (who visited approximately once a week). I was about four at the time.

I know it makes sense to focus on my little family unit. We realised last night we’ve been blocked by my brothers wife on instagram (so petty), and also my extended family now seem to be giving us the cold shoulder so I think my toxic ex addict brother has been telling them lies because he’s angry I for once told him the truth about himself after years of his manipulations and flakiness.

im so angry that my partner has been so affected by this also, he’s been super sad today. He’s a good person and he shouldn’t be being punished.

I actually hate them and it’s just eating up so much energy. I told him today, we need to focus on the good people in our lives and strengthen our relationships with them, and our little daughter. At the moment my mother and brother and his wife are winning. They’ve pretty much ruined my first year post partum. It’s disgusting and I wish I didn’t feel so much shame about it. I miss them despite the reality but I think it’s more missing what should have been that what was

It’s really really hard. But they will keep on ruining every good thing about your life. Let this one year go but draw a line in the sand. The bitterness and the resentment has a way of spreading. They will despise you being happy, they want you to fail. It is the one thing that often keeps me going….I will not let them have this because this life is mine. From the outside it’s so hard to look in and not be able to access any of it. It’s like they are saying “sorry you aren’t good enough”. But in reality it’s all an illusion because on the inside it’s toxic. Like you say concentrate on the good relationships you have. But it’s sad, we all know, we want something that we are never going to get.

The guilt is really hard isn’t it. You’re so right though, what else can we do? Stay and bang our heads on a brick wall?

yes my mother has guilted me about the falling out with my brother. The fall out which was spurred by him, and which I’ve actually tried to resolve like an adult. She says she doesn’t want to get involved in sides - even that is madness, why shouldn’t she given how he’s treated me? I literally paid his rent and groceries and travel for months after he stole £6k from me in small increments by lying to me and / or stealing directly from my bank account.

yet I’m the difficult one?

she kind of chills me. She was so cold yesterday. I think she enjoys being cruel. All she does all day is sit and watch tv and scroll racist stuff and right wing conspiracy theorids on Facebook, then spouts utterly mad stuff throughout any conversation instead of actually engaging. It’s like she’s not all there? She stares through you when you try and actually talk and just talks over you. It’s extremely strange really.

Totally get this. Having no family help while parenting an NT daughter has broken us. We are both totally burnt out. Let alone more than one and ND. Parenting without a wider support system is a completely different situation and so lonely. We wanted two but I think we are done with one as we are barely holding it together emotionally after such a tough year. Sad thing is it was tough because of my family’s abusive behaviour, rather than our actual daughter. You’re right, we draw a line in the sand and just move forward

This is the thing, I think I still find it very hard to believe my mum does not feel guilty and / or feel awful about all of this. If you asked her she would say she does probably but her actions speak louder and she has ignored me and my daughter for months for just asking her not to comment on her weight (it was to the extent another family member said it to her before I’d said anything). She absolutely hates being called and being honest, deep down, I don’t think she loves me. I don’t think she ever has. I’m slowly starting to realise this. She pretends she does because it’s the done thing but really, she’s never shown me love so the proof is in the pudding.

I have to love myself now instead.

You will feel stronger without the poison in your life. You can achieve a lot more when not full of negativity. You can build up a bridge. There is 6 years between my kids. My personal situation is it’s my partners family and he is still stuck in the fog unfortunately so I have to continually be around people who hate me because I don’t fall in line with their rubbish. But Im getting much better and have made a few good friends now.

I just have to remind myself of the last and only time my big brothers children were here from Australia. She’d not met them before and one of them blocked the toilet by accident. She shouted and swore and accused one of them of lying about it (he was clearly embarrassed) and she wouldn’t stop till they left and went back to Australia the next day. It was so nasty and I would want to smack her in the face if she ever did that to my daughter. Very cruel and punitive.

That’s great, I’m glad you have friends. I’ve always deeply valued mr friends and been closer to people as I think they’ve been closer to me than family. Sorry your husband doesn’t see things clearly. It sounds like you really do understand the situation though and can protect you and your children to some extent which is great

What hurts me is missing on something I’d really love to have. The expectation, the comfort and the inclusion. I don’t want these people, I don’t feel bad they don’t include me or like me. I miss like everyone on here just the feeling of family.

Thank you @Mywhitedress my cars out of the action at the moment but I’ll try that in the future. Normally the moment I’m in the countryside I feel better. and yes I love and look after the little girl I once was. Was part of my therapy.

I’m trying hobbies I was never allowed to do as a child. Sounds so silly but I bought myself something on promotion in a craft shop last week for under a fiver. I’d not have been allowed that as a child so I’m trying it in my 50s. Anything I was interested in wasn’t allowed, anything anyone else was was.

I also got a new winter coat a few weeks ago, under £20 but felt like a treat as I didn’t actually need it. It’s a bright colour that my younger self would have loved.

Clothes are a hard subject for me as I’ve never been clothes shopping with my mum or sister or that type of thing. Anything that sounds like a bonding experience I’ve not experienced.So it’s not enjoyable for me.

Also as I was neglected, it wasn’t just my emotions all the time I’ve started to realise it was most things, I wasn’t allowed new clothes. I had to wear hand me downs (nothing wrong with those) but I was made to wear clothes for years. I had a supposedly best dress for parties there’s photos of me at family parties wearing it still age six when all of my cousins had a new outfit. The dress I was wearing was a bridesmaid dress from when I was two. I look at that photo and cry for the little me as I never mattered. It was still hung in my wardrobe when I was ten and supposedly my party dress. my mum also embarrassing me at village jumble sales many times. One time buying clothes three years too small for me. The parent who gave them said they were her daughters and looked as her daughter was in the same class with one of my younger siblings. The humiliation is still with me. so really it was all sorts of neglect. But I was fed and clothed just not properly in a caring way.

I get that. My family were not that . I had really hoped my DPs family would be that for me but they aren’t.

so my experience of family
is unhappy childhood with my own family kicked out at 18
a lone parent as a teenager with my DC
a lone parent in my 20s and 30s. then living with my DP and late teen DC (DP and I couldn’t have kids which adds to it) his family not interested in myself or DC mine getting much worse
40s into 50s I bought a house with my DP my adult DC has had to move back in with us and DP and I are both estranged from our families

so I’ve never experienced what I think of as a proper family. We live on a family orientated housing estate. I see the happy families walk by I see the families visiting at the weekends. My home doesn’t get any visitors like that it’s just us we’ve had no one else in the house for four years now.

I find it heartbreaking my DP tells me don’t think about it. But I cant really do that as with my therapy I had to learn to deal with the emotions and not lock them away.

This made me cry. This is just how it is and it’s simply not fair. But we can’t let it define ourselves. We have to make something out of this shit.

Sorry I made you cry. I hope you and your DP can build a happy life without toxic family around.

I feel like crying most days (I usually do tbh). It’s very very hard. And definitely not fair.

did you see my post the other day? My mums comment about I need to build myself a better life? These are the reasons I’ve struggled with the comment for three months and I still am. As with the shit I have had to contend with for fifty years my life is really bloody amazing.

His family are going nowhere! I’m learning to let it be and make my life my own outside of this. But they will always be a part of it and I have no choice in this. My H is happy to struggle his bollocks off and get no help, he absolutely hates asking. He’s happy to smile and happy face all their pictures whilst drinking too many cans because having two ND kids is so bloody hard! Both the brothers are happy to deal with it all themselves. I’ve got the better end of the deal because my H helps me/us so much. The other brother lays it all on his GF’s plate and she struggles with intense anxiety. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY NONE OF THEM….can see the parents as selfish people they are. Why is the other GF not asking like I am why the 2 brothers have to carry everything on their own. It’s like they’ve been trained to see asking for help as a total failure.

Yes it’s exactly this. All my new mum friends get heaps of help and support from their mums who will go to great lengths to see their grandchildren and it’s been a really sorrowful year realising how little I got and how little my daughter is getting from family. My sister does try but has developed a fear of driving so she is limited.

This does sound lonely :( So hard seeing others play happy families. Do you have any friends as a family?

It looks like your mother is a narcissist who has made the terrible choice not to love. I adopt the SOGO approach when it comes to them: get out and stay out.

People like your mother cannot do relationships and often rely on willing enablers to help them. They often b You have two qualities she lacks complete: empathy and insight.

They often bang on about other people’s weight too because they see them both as a threat and someone to control. You really do not want to be around people like that and the only ones that bother with them ie the adult children of same have received the Special Training to put the parents needs first with their own dead last.

Yes well that’s exactly this. My sister does put her first (and she treats my sister well relatively) but as a character she is a complete martyr and has been on the edge of breakdown for years, physical and mental. She has sacrificed her own health for everyone else and can’t see it. This was me before but now I’m just angry!

I think they bang on about people’s physical appearance because they need that person to be riddled with insecurity. I think they enjoy seeing other people struggle and if they have to plant a little covert seed here and there then so be it. It’s also like was just mentioned it makes people weaker and easy to control. They are incredibly dangerous as these seeds in little heads and hearts can grow. I really feel we have to be away from these people. All of the members of the golden child’s family are full of insecurities. It only goes one way, they hate themselves or they end up projecting and hate other people.

Yes that’s true, she does get pleasure from other people’s pain. Is there a book you’d recommend about this?

I don’t really read books I’m afraid. Others might have some good ideas.

Had a very odd experience over the weekend. GB2 decided to 'apologise'. He really wants normal service to resume (whereby he gets to call the shots whilst other people run around after him doing everything) and my refusal to be part of that is really annoying. I'm sure this will have been Mum's suggestion - she has been asking why I won't 'just be friends' with him because he didn't mean to be nasty to me etc etc and I have commented that I've never even had so much as an apology for his aggression etc. They probably think this is progress. His usual pattern with our parents was to be awful and then eventually say sorry and everything was forgiven but he has never tried this with me before. But I think the 'apology' has to qualify for some award as the world's least sincere excuse for an apology. Just the words 'I am sorry' delivered in a weird monotone with an almost audible eye roll. No context, no mention of what he's sorry for etc (which obviously would have involved acknowledging actions that he denies/excuses). I have seen plenty of forced apologies from school children and this was still the least sincere attempt I have ever witnessed. But I'm sure it ticked a box for him. Now he can tell Mum, his partner and anyone else who will listen that 'I don't know what I am expected to do, Wellies is just being so unreasonable! I've even tried to be the bigger man and apologise but she STILL won't just be friends.'
What an arse!

@formalwellies I had something a bit similar. After speaking to my sister and pointing out that my parents have not once, in almost a year, asked me how my DD is doing since the trauma she experienced, and that the only time I raised it myself when asking for support, we had an argument in which my dad in particular said some extremely difficult to forgive things, the next time I spoke to them, my dad specifically asked how my DD is.

Maybe I should point out that I called my mum to talk about something specific so it still wasn’t like they had called me. And then, my dad apologised and said he hadn’t known about my DD’s trauma, despite that being exactly what he was arguing with me about earlier this year. Everything I told him, he argued with me. Now he says he just didn’t know and is sorry.

It was another case of rewriting history. Neither of them mentioned the fact I had also said I had been feeling suicidal, which they ignored at the time. I didn’t mention this to my sister, but if I do, I’m sure they will out of the blue apologise and say they didn’t know.

😂 sounds like me 3 year old this morning. Sorry I said I hated you, I love you now…..”can I have an Oreo for breakfast”!