August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

I get why my partner in laws relationship is so successful. My FIL is a misogynist and my MIL is a covert narc who hates women. They both have something in common. My H does make remarks about women sometimes that I hate. Remarks about women drivers and women in the workplace being emotional. His mother, who should have been the soft, emotional, empathetic person has weaponised female’s emotional attributes and the dad believes all that anyway.

@Mywhitedress in my DH’s family, it was brought to their attention that the mum is a narcissist (but by a professional, not a family member so no idea what would have happened if it was just one of the kids suggesting this) and they all saw it immediately, because it was just giving words to what they all already knew.

BiL was the GC but is a narcissist himself. He is MiL’s greatest critic most of the time, but he is the only one who maintains a “normal-looking” relationship with her. He knows exactly who/what she is, but he is the same. He gets supply from her in some way and she gets supply from him. He told us that his therapist (his word, not sure of her exact job title) thinks he is a narcissist - which he thought was laughably ridiculous.

I don’t know anyone who was the GC who isn’t a narcissist as an adult. (I know another family that is exactly the same, but they are not diagnosed - just my thoughts that they are NPD). So again, I don’t know if GC exist that aren’t narcissists, whether they would see it or not or how they would react.

My guess is that if they “don’t see it” it’s only because they don’t want to see it. Sorry, and it’s possible I’m wrong, but I wouldn’t be holding my breath.

@MustIgo I’m not sure there is a set response in narcissists from one sex to another, but as an individual they can definitely favour one or despise one for whatever (nonsensical) reason.

I think that @SamAndAnnie hit the nail on the head. They see it I’m sure but they benefit from it. That’s how the narcissist achieves their relationships, they actually have a lot to offer if you willing to look the other way. Most people are unfortunately willing to look the other way if they benefit. All of the people in my life gain from the Narc, gain favour, praise, money, invites to the inner circle, etc etc. The ones who walk know that they are walking from a lot of good and benefits but they just can’t look the other way to benefit anymore. All the narcs I’ve known talk bad behind people’s backs and that just not something that sits well with me morally so I’m out.

@MustIgo I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I do think in some cases it’s a bit more complicated - people raised by narcissists have been taught their whole lives that they can’t trust their own feelings. What the narc says is right and true and if you think they’ve done something wrong then you just don’t see it properly, and you need to reevaluate and remember that they do everything for you etc. I think my DH’s family were very confused with my MiL before it was laid out for them. They sort of knew there was something wrong, but she had them all, if not convinced, at least in a permanent state of second guessing whether she was the person she pretended to be.

She did too many things that were, for example, illegal and known by the rest of society to be properly wrong, for them to fully believe she was a “nice person” but they loved her for a start, and on top that she made them think she was trying her best, or that they were so difficult etc, so it wasn’t just that they didn’t see because they got something out of it. They didn’t see because they were so confused and nothing was ever simple and honest. The truth was always being hidden under clever tricks and trauma etc.

I think it’s easier when it’s more obvious. I mean to be diagnosed you have to be bad. Most people aren’t diagnosed but the world is run by narcissists, they have many qualities that are admired. I think the world seems to be going a certain way unfortunately and they no longer easy to spot and many narcs are really happy. It’s easier to be happy when you aren’t brought down by others and you don’t possess any guilt. Decent, gentle and empathetic people who care about the world and the people on it are getting hard to find. People are in it for themselves, families aren’t so close, it’s easy to hide because I find it’s in the close intimate relationships you can really tell who a person is. All of my narcs have messy families, people with mental health, some people pushed out etc but you wouldn’t no this unless you get close.

@MustIgo Yes, absolutely. My MiL presents as a doting mother and grandma. She covers up the lack of relationship and pretends they’re all close. If anyone gets close enough to know she doesn’t see my DH, she blames me. My other BiL’s wife gets the blame for their lack of contact.

DH still talks on the phone so she’s able to say what he’s up to, what the grandkids are up to as if we all talk/see each other.

I agree, unfortunately, the world is in a state from all the abuse that goes on.

In the words of huntrix…

"So sweet, so easy on the eyes, but hideous on the inside"
"Whole life spreading lies, but you can't hide, baby, nice try"
"A broken soul trapped in a nastiest shell"
"You can try, but you can't hide"

Their family and their intimate relationships given them away! That’s why they try so hard to control it!

@Cherrytreesandappleblossoms no advice just support from me.

if and only if you would like some sort of relationship with your mum can you contact just her? Do you have a number for her you could text? And meet for a coffee a couple of times a year, send Christmas card, birthday card. See how it goes? Your mum sounded reasonably your dad doesn’t and wants to control everything and everyone.

also might not be relevant by why don’t your siblings have contact? Building a very slight relationship with one of them might help you.

also Don’t go by what other friends have gone through etc. everyone’s family and estrangements are completely different.

@Cherrytreesandappleblossoms also how were they with your husband that they don’t know? Normally that’s when they will behave nicer as there’s a stranger in the midst. My family are tons nicer to my DP then they are to me.

i am a resident on this board for a number of years as I’m LC and NC with my family, their decision.

But we have similar on my DP’s side too. We’ve been together over two decades and live close to where DP grew up and his family. I’ve only seen his dad twice, the first time was a disaster I wont go into. After a few years I encouraged him to reach out as I don’t want DP to have to go through the stuff I go through. So we did similar and went to his dads house and knocked on the door. It backfired and we were made to stand on the pavement outside. so I wasn’t even invited in. (his dad met new woman and remarried her which caused this before I met DP).

DP did have a positive exchange of emails a couple of years ago from dad but nothing since. He lives in hope as he really misses him.

I’m in here on a Friday night as going through a terribly low patch again.

I’ve had a stressful few months as adult DC was taken ill so emergency hospital stay etc. I reached out to my parents in my hour of need but the stuff I needed wasn’t available from either of them. My DM predictably said nothing to help but then told my siblings who are NC with me……it’s the same every time she will pass it all on to others to deal with my life and my calamities, but it doesn’t work anymore as they don’t speak to me. I then didn’t hear from her for a week.

and a while before that there was a different sort of incident. I’ll not go into all of it as it’s too painful and in-depth. I’ve mentioned it all before, I’m the one with divorced parents who I’m LC with and my siblings cut me out of the family a few years ago. DM had a significant birthday and my NC siblings took her away. That led to DM really upsetting me in our next telephone exchange as told me I let her down by not being there, that it’s all my fault not anyone else and to top it all off “I need to build a better life”.

That comment has been going around in my head now for over three months and I just cannot get rid of it. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs it’s not my fault my life is this shit but I’m doing the best with what’s available to me (in reality my life is not that bad but the comment has completely destroyed me as I was already fragile).

so if anyone can help with the I need to build a better life comment I could do with some pointers. As I have nothing.

Is there a reason you can’t scream your feelings out loud? Would writing it down help? Doing some art work? Chopping wood? Taking bottles to the glass bank?

I think it’s difficult because we grew up with our parents praise and criticism being the framework of how we view ourselves (and everything else), so hearing their voice say your life isn’t good enough or you’re not good enough just does hurt even if we know they’re toxic people that are wrong about everything.

I would, personally, write down a list of positive things I think and feel about my self and my life and keep it in my pocket. Anytime I heard my mum’s voice saying that critical shit, I’d take it out and read it (out loud if possible). You can renew or add to the list whenever you want. And I’d do some creative work and some calming positive meditation sort of work 💐

@Eeriefairy I’ve been trying to get back into mindfulness to help cope with the things bothering me currently. As my mental health has nosedived ( I live with CPTSD and agoraphobia etc). I have started to do a mindfulness class and the last one was to list the little glimmers. I’ve started writing them down in a notepad so that could also work.

my parents it’s only ever been criticism or just nothing. I’ve never ever been good enough from the day I was born, I was told so daily. I grew up in an emotionally neglectful environment. It took a massive breakdown and therapy for me to discover this, sad but true.

its the criticism and attack when it’s not my fault I wasn’t there that’s hurt. Plus it’s not my fault my life is like this and my siblings don’t speak to me and no one sees me.

@OneNewEagle you’re right, it’s not your fault. But that’s the thing about these critical people - it literally wouldn’t matter what you did/didn’t do.

My parents were emotionally neglectful and critical too. My mum started doing it to my youngest DD which is what has made me go LC. She was horrible criticising my youngest when she wasn’t doing anything wrong at all.

Your little glimmers book sounds like a brilliant idea. Make sure to write things about yourself as well as whatever gives you joy/peace from the world. Try and look after yourself the way you’d look after your own daughter if she was where you are.

@OneNewEagle I don’t have any suggestions but I just wanted to pass on my sorry. I’m sorry they make you feel like this. We can all try and reason with the things they say but at the end of the day they do hurt us. There are really bad people out there, none of this is about you as a person. It’s easy to blame and point at the person who’ve they created to be weak and vulnerable. All of us belong to this special group and all suffering from the bad in people. My marriage left me with chronic fatigue, IBS, my nervous system shot, my trust in people shot. You need to be very kind to yourself and keep going, keep trying to find the joys where you can. What people do to people is evil. I would cut them out entirely, what good is there in this, they are very bad people.

I remember in my darkest days with my ex H, when living was something I struggled to do he was happy. He was happy when I was the vision of weak in his head he constructed. My illness he used to justify how weak I was. I thought he was right. When I left even though it’s consultant diagnosed he claims is now made up. I try my hardest to hide my weakness around him when we have to cross paths. I try with my MIL to hide my weakness about their actions. I don’t know if this is a plan? They want you to be what they say you are, when you are not I don’t know how this will fit with them? Is it good to show they you don’t care, you are strong and you are amazing. That’s the route I try, I’m not sure if this is a good suggestion. Fake it till you make it?

Thank you. I’ve done everything in my power to bring my DC up differently. I was a lone parent as a teenager didn’t have a permanent address or anything. The one thing I knew was I was doing everything different than my parents, that was my guide to how to bring a child up. Cuddles galore.

And @MustIgo I had a terrible violent ex we had to flee from. Parental
responsibility was revoked by the courts as a true monster. I’ve posted about it all over the years, my username used to be tbry plus the year but I had to delete that account. The reason being that awful ex sent me a death threat 25 years after the last time I saw them so the police told me to remove anything and everything so they can’t trace me or find me.

Bits of that abusive life still filter through to me all these decades later. It’s hard but I’m not letting that be the thing that defines my life. I think you might be new so part of my story is I had a massive breakdown and was diagnosed with ptsd and other nasties due to that abuse …..then the therapist realised it came from before and around me as well ie my upbringing and family. So I’m still adjusting to that news and my mental health illnesses and symptoms that dictate my life on the bad days, it’s been eight years.

The positives I have a lovely gentle life, my own safe home, my DC obviously, my DP, rescue pets for cuddles, a garden, hobbies, food in the cupboards, bills paid. So I have a slow good gentle life that I can cope with. We live hundreds of miles from any of my family and away from anywhere where the abuse occurred. I moved here twenty years ago to give myself and DC a new start where no one knew us.

So for anyone else on this thread who might be experiencing anything similar it does get better. I still have days when the whole day is a blur or a day of tears but that’s to be expected and I now live in a safe environment where crying is allowed.

(the above is why my mums comment has got to me but I’m currently having cuddles with my cats and forgetting that.)

@OneNewEagle there are two things that help me with this kind of situation. One is to drive somewhere remote (if that's a possibilty for you?) and scream in the car at the top of my lungs, including swearing and cursing, as if screaming it at them. It leaves me with a sore throat, but I feel so much better afterwards, even just 5 minutes. My husband now does it as well when needed, and says it helps.
The other is: have you done inner child work? It will be comforting if you could tell your little girl inside that she is doing great just as she is and any other things that she might need to hear. Or hug yourself and comfort yourself that way. Basically parenting yourself, because the rational you knows they are not to be listened to, but what you've learned as a child takes over.

Joining you all here after a horrible day and feeling physically sick to my stomach. I hope you don’t mind.

My mum has been cold, hostile, and emotionally abusive my entire life… never hugged me, completely dismissed it when I told her at 17 id been sexually abused by a family friend, and was bitterly resentful when I cared for my dying dad.

Ever since having my 1yo DD, her lack of care has cut even deeper. The breaking point was her making comments about my daughters size. Having anorexia in the family and dealing with PPD, I messaged her asking her not to comment on her weight. Her response was to completely ice me out with mostly silent treatment since May. (She has texted asking for pics of my daughter but not called as she usually would)

I called her on video today so she could see DD and raised the cold shoulder. She immediately played the victim, said she "didn't want trouble", and accused me of just wanting to argue. I completely snapped, lost my temper, shouted, and messaged her afterwards telling her never to contact me again.

Now I'm left with this unbearable, toxic guilt, feeling like I'm somehow the bad person for blowing up, while grieving the fact that DD has no loving extended family. I’ve also had a falling out with my ex-drug addict brother after he was very aggressive and let me down not long after my daughter was born.

things cut differently when it’s your child, not just you, that is implicated in this kind of behaviour.

How do you all handle the intense guilt after stepping away, especially when you know rationally how toxic and punitive they are? I constantly worry I’m an awful person for these conflicts, even tho I know a lot of people find my mum toxic etc

You keep close to your heart the reason why you are doing it, that little bundle you have. On your hard days of holding back all the toxicity you remember what you are doing it for. Look into those eyes and imaging doing this to that small child and remember this was once you and you so desperately needed a mum like you…that should fuel you.

@ShiverMyTimbers84 Like MustIgo says, you have to remember that you want a different life for your child.

Having been in a similar situation, my advice is to cut ties with your Mum and brother now and stick to it. It's hard not to feel sad that your child won't have the lovely supportive extended family some have, but you need to remember that the family of origin you actually have would never be that. Having no extended family of origin is better than having a toxic one. Save the energy that you have so far been expending on dealing with/worrying about your toxic family and use it to build friendships/experiences etc for you and your child.
My understanding of exactly how messed up my family were became far more acute when my first child was born. Partly because I realised that I could never treat my child as I had been treated, and partly because I saw that they were trying to make her part of their world (when DD was a few weeks old my parents put me under immense pressure to have my unpredictable violent alcoholic brother over for an extended stay because apparently seeing her would help him recover and give him a lovely break). This realisation has only got stronger as my children have grown up. At every stage I have remembered things I was expected to put up with/do at their age and recognised how absolutely wrong it was.
When I first went NC with the older brother, I felt very guilty for the upset it caused to my parents (which looking back was insane- I was protecting my child, they were awful to me, yet somehow I felt bad because my reaction upset them). Because of that I put up with a lot from my parents and younger brother (also an addict at that time and a deeply unpleasant person but not as bad as the older one), almost as if I needed to make up for upsetting them by sacrificing something. I would urge you not to fall in to the same trap. If I could revisit my DCs early days I would make a clean break with all of my family of origin.

There is a reason family exists because this is so hard doing it on your own. My kids are ND also, so me and my H are absolutely knackered. His parents are utterly useless. People say that it’s becoming a thing to walk away from your family but I doubt these people realise how hard it is to do this by yourself. I have a few friends to vent to and visa versa but still it’s not the same. I don’t want to do this on my own as I’m just exhausted, there is no one to help us have time to recover. No grandparents days out. They have gone away “again” and keep sending photos of them. We are fucking struggling and these pics are making me mad!!!!!!!

@ShiverMyTimbers84 just echoing the others, that I balance the guilt by reminding myself what the alternative would be. You didn’t create this situation, you just responded to it by trying to protect yourself. You’re doing the right thing for your child and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that because someone else expects you to prioritise them instead.

I would echo what the others have written.

The truism applies that if a parent or relative is too difficult for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for the child too.

The guilt you feel is a button your mother installed in you and that needs to be removed. Do you think your mother feels any sense of guilt re how you have been treated - no not a bit of it.

Better to be on your own with your child than to have such toxic family members in your life. It will also do your child no favours at all to be around people like your mother and brother.

And do not set yourself on fire to keep
other people warm.