August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

wellies that's so bizarre. Of course your DC characteristics didn't come from your brothers! How could they? That's sick. I sincerely hope you were never having sex with your brothers and if by some unfortunate circumstances that did occur, it makes her comments even sicker! Eww she's creepy AF.

I wish the courts recognised psychological abuse better and didn't force contact with such parents must. Your poor DD, no wonder she's messed up. She's going to need a shit load of therapy when she's grown up. I hope she sees him for the poison he is and cuts contact with him one day.

@SamAndAnnie Thankfully that is not something I endured. I think what my parents were trying to claim was that there is somehow some strong familial link controlling our DCs personalities/looks/abilities that connects them to GB1/GB2 whether we like it or not. The strangest aspect of this was the reinventing of history needed to make some of these claims, and the horrified reaction if ever our DC showed an interest in something that DH/MIL were interested in and they couldn't find a way to link to GB1/GB2.

I am feeling very calm at the moment. I have made the decision to stick to NC with GB2 and for now very, very LC with Mum. I will speak to her on the phone and am considering the occasional visit but these will be short and on my terms- at first collecting her to go for coffee somewhere. I've not made a big announcement and don't plan to- that will just stir up the aggression from GB2 and bring the flying monkeys out in force. For now I answer her calls if convenient and will let her tell me what medication she's taken today etc but any request/demand that I do anything is met with 'You'll need to speak to GB2 about that'. If I hear GB2 trying to tell her what to say/shouting at me in the background I have been calmly telling her that I can hear that there's a lot going on and I will speak to her when it's quieter. GB2 has recently been telling everyone that he is her sole carer, and that everything must go through him (and he's started the process of LPA to make that official). He seems very pleased with himself and appears to think he's 'won' (although I wasn't aware I was competing and certainly wouldn't have chosen to enter). Actually, as someone commented on one of my previous posts, he has just made it far easier to do what I should have done years ago. I am changing the contact details on everything that I help her monitor/deal with from me to GB2 and will be dropping off the numerous files of paperwork. I have no doubt that this will not be smooth- at some stage they will realise that I have backed off further than they wanted and GB2 will realise how time consuming it is to deal with all the 'nothing' that I've been taking care of. There will be tears, anger and flying monkeys at some point. But I feel oddly light just from knowing how I am going to handle things. If very LC doesn't work (and I suspect GB2 will try to make it difficult) I think I am now at peace with having to cut contact.

Good for you wellies. It's heartbreaking that it comes to this with family but you've endured more than enough from them all. I had the same feelings of relief when I cut contact too. Like you, I didn't make an announcement, it either wouldn't have been taken seriously or it would have been used as an invitation to try to talk me out of it. You'll have time and energy to properly care for your own health and wellbeing now.

@SamAndAnnie Thanks. Since making this decision I've felt much happier and lighter.
It struck me today that since my teens I've never really felt I had 'permission' to just focus on myself and to enjoy it when I was happy and things were going well for me. Every occasion (even my wedding, birth of my DC, christenings, DC birthdays etc) when I should have able to do that either became all about my family or marred by arguments because it was not all about them (sometimes both, since no matter how much I gave it was never quite enough). Any time I was planning anything nice, or things seemed easier for me, my Mum would find a way to try to push me in to changing things to be useful to someone else (and harder for me) or to involve people she felt were somehow deserving (often GB1/GB2 but not always). The attitude seemed to be that if I shouldn't be spending time doing anything nice if anyone else in the family might have wanted me to do something for them instead, and if I was going to do anything nice it should involve anyone else that DM felt needed it more, or be done as she wanted it do be done to prop up the image of the family. I learned to hide what I was doing and keep quiet about plans but that is quite stressful in itself. Plus she often found out and got annoyed/upset. I've learned to say no more, and to limit the information to my family but this tension around anything pleasant has been going on right up to now (and I am in my 50s FFS, so really can please myself what I do!) eg. the annoyance about me going on holiday when GB2 might have liked me to go with them and help with childcare.
But that's over now. I think this is part of why I feel light. They will have no idea what I am doing so can't criticise/interfere. And if they try I have barriers in place and can just let them complain.
I'm not deluded, I know I'm not there yet and there are bound to be bumps in the road but I feel like I have space to breathe now.

I have spoken to people recently who have shared they are not really close with their sibling or that their partner isn’t close with theirs, just in a matter of fact kind of way. It occurred to me that in my family this would be seen as a source of shame and a sign of failure. I think this is one reason I have put up with a lot, and had similar sort of experiences of making events about other people. You must include them because you must be close. Not being close is not an option. You have to bend over backwards, tie your self in knots and brainwash yourself to keep that relationship going.

I’m glad you’re feeling free and light wellies and that you can just live the way you always should have been able to live without apology.

It is good to let go. Although I’ve still got narcs in my life it is still my own. I was putting out the washing yesterday and I just had a small cry ( which is not like me, must be hormones). I was thinking about my little child and how amazing her little life is. What made me sad was I don’t remember my eldest when she was small. Living with a narc cost me my life with her, I don’t remember it at all. When I had her ADHD assessment and the lady asked me about her when she young I couldn’t answer. These narcs they do cost you an awful lot, staying away seems to give you your life back. It has made me feel more present in my life and I can actually remember being in it. I don’t know why this is or why it effects memory but it just seems to.

@MustIgo i lost a lot of years and memories like that. I have a box of photos I’d love to get out but the trauma that comes with it is unbelievable (CPTSD from the abuse).

But your eldest is still a child you have more memories to build together.

what you will find as time goes on, my DC is in their 30s now, that at times little lovely memories do come back to you.

I have little cry’s here and there room it’s good for you x