August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

So projection is more like the MIL slagging off women for attention seeking when she is the one seeking? It stops her looking at herself and her own behaviour? That would show some sort of awareness of good and bad behaviour, but no awareness it’s them. I really hate these people. My ex has proposed so many ridiculous ideas over the years, ideas way over and above his capabilities and has NEVER followed through. I think you are right in that he can suggest these things and then accuse me of never accepting his offers because I know they are ridiculous.

@MustIgo I think so, but I'm no expert. Regardless of the terminology though, I think your ex is almost certainly trying to upset you and doesn't seem concerned about upsetting DD to achieve that.
What is he like with other people? If his impractical ideas/offers are a common theme then perhaps he actually believes they could work. Or perhaps he's just realised that if he's asked for input in to decisions/tasks and brings forward 'plans' that could never work he can let someone else do the actual work and claim he wanted to help but they wouldn't listen to him, and as a bonus it reduces the chances of being asked to be involved again. Like a sort of form of strategic incompetence.
Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you can do much about your ex. I think the thing to focus on is that you are doing the right thing for your DD despite him. She will notice and remember that. She knows that you have listened to what she wants and prioritised her happiness.

I wish he would just stop trying to make me out to be the bad parent. There is no winners in his method because she will end up having no one she can trust.

@MustIgo hot sure what the term is. He should just be happy his DD is happy. And if not should stop being lazy and do more.

No that’s not right she has you, she’s your DD and you love her to bits. She can trust you.

(also btw when he does this he can bad mouth you by saying things like well I wanted to do blah blah blah in this case private school. My DDs mother said no. And then if it goes wrong can also blame you so he can never ever get the blame. It’s just a crap ex partner crap father crap male way of doing things if you ask me).

One of my sisters is scared she will end up losing the house "and then what?!" With my nanna no longer around to enable her/bail her out it's quite worrying.

Don't be worried. Firstly, it's a situation she's bringing on herself so is nobody's problem except hers. Secondly, if she ends up homeless she'll be housed by the council in emergency accommodation until she's rehoused in private rental or housing association flat or care home, depending on her finances and health. It may be a shit situation that she hates but the system exists. So don't go feeling like either of you has to take her in if the worst happens.

A very simple example of projection I came across Must, two people I know, both women, both parents, let's call them A and B and the DC miniA and miniB. At the play park the DC enter at the same time, both A and B are there to witness this. As they go through the gate, miniA pushes miniB over deliberately and miniB falls. Immediately A snaps angrily "miniB! Why did you do that?!" placing the blame for the incident firmly on the victim. B is shocked into silence and left scratching her head about what just happened. They both saw clearly that miniA was the aggressor - but A can't accept her DC is anything less than perfect, so it gets projected onto miniB as being the problem child, while miniA gets away with their bad behaviour scot-free.

Another example is when an unfaithful spouse accused their faithful partner of cheating when they stayed overnight at a friend's place. Because that's what they'd do, given the opportunity. They can't understand or accept that not everyone is like them and are projecting their personality and morals onto their partner.

Wellies the other thing GB2s ranting to others does is it garners sympathy from them (he's upset, responding with sympathy is normal) whilst simultaneously deflecting from what he did/didn't do. It's manipulative. Especially when others don't realise he's lying about what happened. Even if they do, it might take them until some time after the ranting-and-sympathy occurs to realise he's the architect of his own demise.

Since nobody wants to be on the receiving end of his anger, it's easier to just believe his version and go along with the narrative that you're the problem, if they're going to remain in contact with him. Every FM action in pressuring you comes down to do what the problem person wants so that we don't have to do the thing in your place, or face his anger, or listen to him ranting about you. It's totally selfish.

@MustIgo I think all you can do is continue having age appropriate conversations with your DD about how people should treat each other (not in a preachy way or aimed at your ex, just in general discussing how people behave and what she thinks about it). And continue listening to her and helping her find what works for her. Speaking as someone who was not listened to as a child, I think the trust you will build this way will be stronger than the empty words your ex tries to throw.

Narcs want to "win". He doesn't want to parent DD but he wants to destroy her trust in you so you don't have a better relationship with her than he does, he can't have you "winning". He also probably enjoys upsetting both you and DD, it's a way of gaining power over someone, influencing their emotions. Getting to do something he enjoys that makes him feel powerful is him "winning". He doesn't care about DDs emotional well-being so he doesn't care if she feels she can't trust either parent and how that might affect her mental development. I hope one day DD sees him for what he is.

It makes me so angry when people on other threads and in real life/other social media make comments about 'all these people going NC for minor mistakes'. Very few people see the years of shitty treatment that went before it and the huge amounts of effort put in to trying to persuade people to accept something approximate to normal boundaries etc before even considering NC.

I reckon the people that say that sort of thing are so often boundary-busters themselves and get annoyed that fewer people accept their shitty behaviour these days. People get so annoyed at the notion of others having boundaries and say people should stop talking about/doing that. What kind of person wants someone else to have no boundaries? Only narcs and their type.

I just hate these narcs. My biggest priority is her nervous system. She had ADHD and once she’s anxious she leaves the building physically and mentally. I’ve repeatedly told him he is scaring her with his peacocking.
Me and the oldest are the same in our nervous systems so I know how she feels and I know what she needs. His complete ignorance and need to be better than everyone is just not something she needs. The world is scary enough as it is without this
constant need to achieve and to prove.

This is brilliant advice.

Yes I agree. But this is what she has said quite recently. What is wrong with “me”mummy because daddy says this about you and you say it’s not true and my head is so confused, I don’t know who to believe. Why don’t I know who to believe. It makes me so sad that her head is full of this, I hate that they do this. When I first left I really wanted to paint a picture of him, I really wanted her to know what her dad is. But she is half her dad and if I say these things she thinks half of her is bad. There is no gain from all of this, I can see this now, so I tell her she can think whatever she wants to. For a good few years now I’ve put the breaks on this need to tell the story and concentrated on just our connection. I know we have a good connection because I get ALL the behaviour and he gets her performance which she has said she finds hard to keep up. She can’t even tell him he hurts her hair when it’s brushed. I know this speaks a thousand words. I feel absolutely awful that this is her father and I can’t protect her from how she feels about herself because if him. He is so heavy on her being him, his DNA and I don’t want her to think she is bad because of his behaviour. I’ve asked him to stop talking like this but he won’t.

@MustIgo do you know any people that are nothing like their parents? I grew up knowing people that were nothing like their parents (including my own mum) and I think that helps to see that we grow up to be who/what we choose to be if that makes sense?

Also, if it helps, my niece grew up in this exact dynamic. An abusive dad who pretended to be “fun dad” and never actually looked after her or cared how she felt or whether she got ill from being kept up all night etc. My DSis was the parent, giving discipline, looking after her, trying to navigate without “bad mouthing” him. She is 17, nearly 18 now. She’s seen through her dad gradually. Now she’s pulling back a lot with contact - she doesn’t want to stay over night anymore and wants contact to just be more as hoc visits - the way you might with any other family/friend. She’s grown up to be amazingly confident and sure of herself, considering everything she had to contend with and is doing well at what she wants to do, despite all his negativity about literally everything she does. I know it’s hard now, but I really think with the work you put in, she will see it eventually. You just have to keep being consistent. Don’t let him get you down!

I am scared for her because she is vulnerable. This could be my projection because I am ND like her and he made me very unwell and physically will be forever. She makes allowances for him a lot….like I used to and she says she feels sorry for him. It’s very hard to teach a young child the complexity of empathy. I love that she is developing empathy but it breaks me to see her giving it to a man that destroys people. Also getting empathy for the lies he tells her. She is the victim, when she tries to offer her empathy to me for the things he says to her about me I downplay it. She apologises to me on his behalf. I could very easily cry when she tells me some of the stories but I don’t until I get into bed on my own. I simply say you know your mum. I hope she will see it all one day, I do think she is starting to see put things together.

When they say they will protect their ego at all costs it’s really very true. He threatened to take me out when I left, he tried to destroy me……absolutely crazy after being someone’s ‘soul mate.’ He told me he would take my daughter away from me, he said he’s got all the evidence……but there isn’t anything but lies and 5 years to this day in court (stupid place where there gave him unsupervised) and I still have my daughter. She’s actually quite strong and I’m proud of her. I think all of this just makes me hate my MIL even more because I know exactly who they are and how far they will go.

@MustIgo it sounds like you’re doing a good job. There just aren’t any easy answers that will hurry any of this along, unfortunately 💐

Apart from an unfortunate accident….sorry should not wish that really.

Honestly, my whole family wished this for years re my niece’s dad! I’m sure there are plenty of women out there wishing for the same!

@Eeriefairy Definitely. My abusive ex from when I was a teen is the biological link to my DC. The abuse could not have been worse and the courts revoked his parental responsibilities. I rebuilt our lives from scratch.

then decades later he decides to send us a death threat. I was beyond a state in the police station I couldn’t even stand up or stop sobbing. I told the copper I’d not wish it on anyone but twenty five years after he put me through hell I just wish he was dead. She said with the state I’m in she’s not surprised and it would be best for me if he was.

Sadly they were not any other help apart from confirming they have a folder on him with list of fake names he uses and addresses. And I’m not to go within a fifty mile radius of his assumed current address for my own safety. This was at another meeting with the police and I broke down sobbing that it’s my fault he’s hurt other women after me and the police officer told me I need to remind myself that i am a survivor and I got us out and away alive and that’s all I’m to focus on as none of it’s my fault.

@MustIgo when we’ve had to tolerate abusive exs or toxic families we see through the crap in laws instantly. My DPs family have been terrible at times and I feel so sorry for him, but what they don’t get is there’s no way in the world any of them can make me feel as bad as I have done in the past as my trauma is that bad. It’s hidden away so they don’t know any of this about me so they think for example blanking me for an afternoon at a family get together will make us split up and get rid of me. Not enjoyable but nothing like my past.

@Anendlessseriesofunfortunateevents how did your birthday turn out?. I hope it was quiet x

@OneNewEagle I think it’s common to feel like that - could I have done more to stop the abuse? But the truth is like the police woman said - they are the abuser. If they weren’t being abusive there would be nothing for you to try and stop. So yes, it’s absolutely not your fault or responsibility if he has hurt people. That’s all on him. Well done for getting away! It’s no easy thing.

When I first left I really wanted to paint a picture of him, I really wanted her to know what her dad is. But she is half her dad and if I say these things she thinks half of her is bad

Hang on, must, where's her identity? Only the initial cells, the unrecognisable thing in early pregnancy is 50/50 really. As soon as she grows her own DNA becomes more and more apparent. She's not 50/50 mum/dad, she's like 95% herself with just a few mum/dad genes thrown in there. It's not healthy for her identity to be so tied up in his. It's the narc enmeshment. Does she know to look at behaviour, not words, to get to the truth? Anyone can say anything, but it's how a person acts that really matters.

Honestly I’m lucky to get it to 50:50 because she looks exactly like him and the rubbish he has told her. But yeah I tell her she is herself. What I’ve told her is we are made up of all the things we have been through, all the things we’ve seen, all the wiring in our brain, so how could she possibly be her dad. I’m constantly trying to undo the rubbish. But the school have been good also, they do a lot of work about identity. The worst part is that we are from different cultures and be really tries to say she is the (she is mixed) and I try and say the colour of your skin does not defy who you are. You are who you want and you need to look at the whole of you. She knows about behaviour. She understands that he chooses work over her and she understands he loves money. It must be so hard for her because every other weekend he has pumped her full of lies and she has to figure this all out.

@MustIgo This sounds like a really narcissistic trait. At some level he probably sees her as an extension of himself and feels that everyone should see the same. Plus it's part of an attempt to take away control from her and you- the message is 'You are the same as me/part of me so you have no autonomy, choice or control over who you become.' It sounds like you're already doing lots of things to help her see that she does have autonomy and can identify as she pleases. I think it's important to talk to children about being able to choose their behaviour and who they want to be; they may have physical characteristics etc that they have inherited from their parents but they need to work out their personalities and can choose to follow what they see around them or to be different.
It's not quite the same, but my parents always made a big deal about how similar my DC are to GB1 and GB2 in terms of looks, personality and ability. Any achievement was always met with 'Ah, s/he gets that from GB2' or 'S/he's following in GB1's footsteps' etc and physical characteristics are also frequently remarked on ('He's tall, that comes from our family, he's just like GB1). This has often required interesting re-inventions and totally ignoring any characteristics/abilities of me or DH (eg our DC height apparently comes from GB1, who was quite a bit shorter than DH). When my DC were young I found this very upsetting- who wants to be told that their child takes after a violent alcoholic or an abusive drug addict? At the time I didn't feel able to shut it down but I did speak to my DC a lot about how they are their own person and achievements etc are their own. They are young adults now with very strong views on the subject.

It’s the most silent but the biggest fight of your life fighting for your identity. It’s much more subtle with her than it was with me. He physically had to try and remove mine but with her is all very covert, very psychological. I will fight to the death for her identity! It’s not even something that can be seen or you get any acknowledgement for how emotionally heavy all of this is to carry. My ex is most definitely a narcissist. He came from a very abusive family, he idolised his violent alcoholic father, his sister is an absolute mess. It’s all a massive mess. Like you have said why would you want your child to identify with you and your family, don’t you want better for them!