August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

@MustIgo it’s a really tough situation and you’re doing the right thing by questioning and keeping an eye on it. Keep checking in with your DC, keep making sure they are happy with arrangements (and with themselves). Try not to make a situation where they couldn’t have the option not to go if that makes sense?

If my DC ever say they don’t want to visit someone I won’t make them, and if I can’t leave one or both with my DH at the time I was intending to take them with me, then I won’t go, and I will rearrange for another time. I never want to put my DC in a situation where they have to go and spend time with someone they don’t want to see. And I definitely wouldn’t leave them alone with someone if they said that.

It might make life harder, but someone has to advocate for your DC, and they will remember when they grow up if you don’t. Obviously at the moment, your DC are saying they are happy to go, but I mean if that were to change.

One of the things I have learnt from the workshops I have done recently is not to try and “teach” your child what you think is wrong with someone in their life (like a bad influence). Try to make a kind of understanding with your child of what makes a good friend or a good relationship - make sure you both agree to the definition you come up with. A good friend does this, a good friend doesn’t do that etc. Then, when they talk about something someone has said or done, don’t be the one to rush in and say “they’re a bad friend, they’re not acting in your interests”. Try to let them be the one to draw that conclusion.

When they see it for themselves instead of being told, it really is their own opinion. You could say “Oh, so do you think they said that/did that for your benefit? No? Oh, why do you think they said that then?” etc. if they said yes you could question further “How do you think they thought saying that would help then?” or something. It might even help to do this with your husband?

If they undermine you in front of them the damage to them is being done right in front of your very eyes.

It is and can feel extremely difficult to challenge this particularly if you do not get support at the time. Both golden children and the scapegoats are harmed by the narcissistic parents.

These people will never notice that they’re not all
that present in the kids life. These people will try and steal their heart and mind. The best thing to do with narc parents or other such relatives is to give them a wide berth. Do not give them the opportunity to recruit your kids hearts and minds via things like paying for their driving lessons, tuition etc.

This is the thing that concerns me. I know who these people are, they don’t like me. BUT my kids are small and in their presence when they can be bothered or they bored they act so OTT. If I was a kid I’d bloody love them. But they are using my children and I hate this. I hate the fact that they disrespect me and don’t value me at all as the mother of the little kids they claim to love so much. Also they talk about other people as below them and they are superior. But is that a me problem? To me it feels like indoctrination. My kids after spending time with them want to see them again because they do make a big fuss….but at the same time they’ve disrespected and minimised me so I don’t want to be around that. My kids don’t know what they are doing.

It really winds me up how they can do this so undermined. They can shower my kids and undermine me all in one go and I look like the wrong one. No one is going to stand up for me because how it is done and if I refuse I look irrational. All I do is keep saying No we aren’t going to Nannie’s today over and over…then no doubt they tell the story that it’s me. It’s completely nonsense to need to scapegoat a person, it’s pathetic, there is no need. Stupid control freak women!!! Arghhhhh

@MustIgo this is the struggle I think. If you pull them away now they are likely to think it’s your fault/problem. But, like any other abusive relationship they might understand better when they’re older? You always stand up for yourself when your in-laws undermine you but what does your husband say/do? That will have a bigger impact on the DC than the grandparents themselves imo.

If your husband doesn’t see it and doesn’t understand what’s wrong, this is the main issue as he’s not supporting you when there is conflict between you and them. It’s like the idea it takes a village to raise a child. If it’s only mum that says smacking is wrong and that’s not actually how it is in the rest of world, it would seem mum is wrong. But of course other parents, teachers, other family will all confirm this and the child will learn: it’s not just mum that thinks smacking is wrong, it’s “the whole village”. But in your case, if you are outnumbered I would be trying to get through to your husband so you both can agree and step in and set the DC straight.

In my case, my refusal to see my MiL is its own statement to my DC, but I also have the support of my DH that shows he agrees (and he tells them child-appropriate versions of what she did when he was growing up too and what kind of person she is).

If these young people grow up seeing their parents undermined they will come to regard it as normal and will carry that into their own adult relationships.

I often ask people what they learnt about relationships when they were growing up. They have often seen similar at home. The kids themselves get mixed messages when the grandparents are nice to them but are not so nice to one or other of their parents. Children need emotionally healthy role models in their lives.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that is true. It wouldn’t be great for them to grow up thinking it’s normal to have to argue with and defend against constant criticism from
in-laws, even if their dad was sticking up for @MustIgo. But my concern would be that if the husband doesn’t see it, even if Must does go NC, he’s still going to take the DC round there and then they’ll be able to fill her DC’s heads with their nonsense without her being there to contradict what they’re saying.

The thing is they don’t see dysfunction at home. Me and my partner don’t argue, I don’t even bother talking to him about it. He has friends as do I, he isn’t insecure, speaks about everyone positively. I’m hoping it’s enough. They have a small part in our lives really. It’s sad, it could be much more rich. It’s looks like me from the outside, I don’t experience the parents well. The truth is I’m too secure and value my opinions and I bring out her insecurities. What can I do, I’ll never get in as I’m not able to be weak and submissive. I can’t be someone I’m not in order to get a better experience from someone or not trigger them. I’ll just have to keep wearing the hat they give me and carry on. It makes no difference what I say anyway as you can’t win. Some people will see new people as an opportunity to love and some will always be threatened.

Why don’t you talk to him about it?. Is it because he’s grown up with his dysfunctional family of origin and so accepts it as normal?.

Your relation would have behaved the self same regardless of who he chose to marry. it’s not your fault she is the ways she is and you have not brought out her insecurities either. She’s always been like that, her parents did that lot of damage to her.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. I adopt a goso approach with such people - get out and stay out. They are really not worth bothering about.

It’s completely normal to him. He never thought for a second for example when his child was born and they disappeared and he was so overwhelmed he was vomiting in the bathroom. He never for a second was annoyed or thought to call them or expected anything. He thinks this is normal, you are supposed to suffer on your own. I’ve never known anything like it. How can you love a parent who when you finding life really hard your parents are on hols sending you pics of them having a jolly. Maybe it’s me, maybe I expect too much. But having empathy if my child was suffering no matter what age I would but be able to have a jolly, I’d be offering my support. The suffering within this family, his brother also and his wife is completely ignored is crazy. And it’s all done alone. I do not understand how this family works? I do not feel safe in this family, I don't know how they do.

They made a comment over video call not long ago along the lines of “cheer up son” because he looked down and stressed. 2 ND kids is stressful. He later asked his parents if they could have the kids for one night so we could have a break. They laughed and said “we’ve been there done that and we’ve done our time”. I just thought you bastards, he obviously exhausted, we both are.

@MustIgo it is clear that they don't help or care and their behaviour is very hurtful. I do wonder, however, if it wouldn't benefit your husband as well, if you DO talk about it together. Then at least it is more of a you two against the world feeling for him, rather than this feeling of just being left to it iyswim? It would surely be better for him too, to be made aware of how his family actually are and that he doesn't have to take it? Then you can move away from them together, which is surely in his and the children's benefit as well if he is overwhelmed to the point of vomiting. He would be better off stopping to look at his family for help imo.

I’ve approached it in several different ways over the years because I can’t understand why he is fine with this and why he has no feelings about it. When he rang his parents for help I practically begged him not to, it’s humiliating. Even on the call when they said no, he asked again and again and I was nudging him saying stop asking they have been very clear. They said they won’t take the kids so me and him can go and enjoy ourselves. (This humiliated me) We are a family and we do it within ourselves as that’s not there job. We should NOT need help. I literally can’t understand how a parent can not feel for their child asking for help and be moved to offer. The first thing they think is we aren’t helping so you guys can have fun. WTF! Our happiness is what keeps our family together, me and his relationship together is the most important for their grandchildren. We won’t be having “fun” we’d probably sit on the sofa staring at the wall for a day. We are exhausted, raising any kids is hard but 2 ND kids is another level. We don’t need to see photos of their holidays or how well their life is. My H doesn’t get riled up, he is nothing, he actually laughs. I don’t find it funny, I find it a kick in the teeth, I find it humiliating that we struggle. (But I know we are normal to struggle).

Could you make your husband see that you two need to find support elsewhere, or find a way together to cope with the challenges? Because yes, totally normal to struggle, and to want some support, but focusing on his family for it is not making things better by the looks of it. Sorry that your husband is stuck in this.

@MustIgo Please don't feel that it is humiliating, though, that you need help. It is only natural.

There isn’t really anyone to ask. But my partner was asking on the off chance. Obviously not going to happen unless they can make it benefit them. I can’t imagine how they’ve been raised. I never wanted to be a burden to a mum that was struggling but she did not do this I hid my feelings, she did not make me. I’ve never seen asking for help as a bad thing but to these guys it just feels humiliating.

Were narcs once humiliated? Is that why they are like this?

in a word no.

Your in-laws could not give a fig about your kids or you. All they are about are their own selves and getting their wants met. They are not safe enough to be around at all. You would do your kids a great service in keeping them away from his parents . Your h may want to continue to have a relationship (I use that word advisedly) with them out of FOG but it does not necessarily follow he takes the dc around there with him. You can block such a move.

Have you tried your local council re respite care?.

You are right and that’s the part that makes me mad. I hate giving them satisfaction and my kids. But my H doesn’t feel this and he is happy to.

I find it hard to look at it differently. Why have a family if you don’t want them. Why have kids to abuse, to neglect…why not just not have any. It’s hard to put yourself in these people’s shoes. How can a person go on holiday and send lovely pictures to a family that is struggling (that’s tormenting)?? It’s hard to imagine that they don’t care…how can someone not care. My H is used to it but my god, it’s hard to comprehend.

@MustIgo I really do think that trying to understand how or why they do what they do is just wasting your own energy.

If you went NC with your in-laws and said you want the same for your DC, do you think your husband would still take the DC anyway? If not, then no worries. If so, you need to try to explain to him you are the only one supporting him, and you need to distance yourself and your DC for all of your mental and emotional wellbeing (including his). See what he says, it’s all you can do really - you might find he’s surprisingly receptive to the idea.

Yes he would as he has his own feelings about this. He does not see any issues. This is completely normal to him. He is used to always going to his parents, he is used to having all the photos. Before me he lived on his own for 7 years and they visited 2 times despite living 10 mins away. It’s a family joke! To be honest since I have come along they do more but I don’t think this is because they want to but because I call them out and I will say something. They need to keep up the image but it’s still stinking obvious.

His relationship with his brother is the same. Before me and starting a family he would visit them once a week maybe twice, they never came to him. Since he has us his brother has come to ours about 3 times in 6 years. That relationship has died because my H has is own family now so as he’s stop visiting there is nothing. My H does all the work, I have told him this but he can’t see it.