“You have to be happy on your own first”

[HappyJust]

I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t date until I’m 100% happy with myself and completely content with my life. But honestly, I don’t really understand that advice.
If someone was genuinely 100% happy and completely content with their life alone, why would they actively go looking for a relationship?
I’m specifically talking about online dating. You have to deliberately decide to join, make a profile, swipe, message people and put yourself through the whole dating process. If you were truly completely content being alone, why would you do any of that?
I’m not saying people who date are unhappy with themselves. I just think wanting a relationship obviously means you want something you don’t currently have. Otherwise, you’d just be happy staying single.
I think it’s different if you meet someone naturally in real life. You can be perfectly happy on your own, meet someone, hit it off and then decide you want a relationship with them. You weren’t necessarily searching for anything.
But actively going onto a dating app and searching for a partner? Surely that does mean, in some sense, that you’re not completely content with being alone.
Maybe I’m looking at it completely wrong, but I’ve never understood the “be 100% happy alone before you date” argument when the whole point of dating is that you want someone to share your life with.

It is definitely one those pointless sayings with a little point hidden inside.

If you go into OLD thinking anything but a long term partner is a failure, then you will put far too much pressure on yourself and others to be that person. If you have other things in your life but would like to enhance your life by meeting new people, then you are likely to have a better experience and be more desirable to the people you do meet.

I think this advice means that you need to know how to love yourself before you can love someone else op and know how to be happy ( ie it's down to you, not dependent on other people or other things). Not that everything needs to be 100% perfect. There's no such thing and that's one of the things you need to understand to be happy. At least that's my take.

It's very difficult to know without the context.
I had a friend who always seemed very happy, but she was never without a boyfriend; although they never seemed very good for her. At one point she ended up without a boyfriend for about a year. When she did get together with someone, he was completely different to her previous boyfriends, and they have been together for over 20 years.
She admits that the time spent 'single' was a time when she found herself as an individual, not just someone's girlfriend.
Could this be what the other person was telling you?

Thats another saying that I don’t think is true tbh

I don't think it means 100% happy as that's impossible anyway.

I think it is shorthand for being happy enough on your own and in yourself that if there was a choice between badly treated by (or sacrificing a big part of yourself to be with) a man, you'd choose to be on your own instead.

There's two aspects of it -

It's sensible advice for a woman in particular to be be as content as possible because it makes you less vulnerable to stay with unsuitable men. Not catastrophising the concept of being alone, at least finding it ok helps with that.

However, I have seen a lot of talk around this topic that is not centred around that point, and veers instead almost towards a purity culture amongst women - that you must be practically perfect and totally content with your life before even thinking about getting into a relationship.

I don't think that level of purity culture exists amongst men in quite the same way, nd I think it's because men don't hold themselves generally to as high as standard before getting into a relationship. I think many kind of assume that the woman they're with will be a net benefit / additive to their lives, and so in that context it's ok to embark on having a relationship when you're not 100% happy with your life.

It's ok and perfectly normal to be unhappy being single. it makes you vulnerable in some ways, but coupling up is a strong reproductive drive, for one thing.

The point is, to me at least, is that a partner should add to your life. They shouldn't be there to fill an emptiness or whatever. It's not fair to ask that of another person, or for someone else to ask that of you.

I think it’s great advice. Maybe don’t take it quite so literally as 100%! It just gives you freedom to leave shit relationships. And we all know there are far too many people who stay in relationships that are terrible for them.

YANBU - i often thought this when friends were dating.

Also can confirm that being happy on your own doesnt lead to a relationship. Happily single with a full and busy life, pets, hobbies, work etc for 19 years. Very content and excited about life as is but would be delighted if a nice man turned up.

I eye roll so hard at "enjoy your life and someone will turn up!" 🫠🤣 usually said by someone whi met their other half after 18 months of being single.

Perhaps the magic number is be happy for 20. The 20th year 😂

Hmmm. I liked being single and was perfectly happy on my own. I actively enjoyed dating and saw it as an enjoyable thing to do, rather than a slog towards ‘completion’, with the ultimate prize being a long term relationship.

I met DH, fell in love, and my life with him is excellent, but my life before him was also excellent. Just different.

Precisely this.

I think you need to be in a place where a partner only enhances your already very good life. You’re not looking for someone to be your everything. Just someone to make your already brilliant life even more brilliant.

You're taking it extremely literally.

You can happy with your life but want a partner to make it a little happier.

If you're basically happy on your own, then you tend to not leap in too quickly, get very emotionally invested and then get hurt if it doesn't work out. You're thinking - fine if this works out, also fine if it doesn't. Which puts you in a much better frame of mind for online dating (or any dating) and stops you being too needy.

Not taking it literally, my point is a small part of you obviously isnt as happy as you claim to be if you join online dating (as I said this doesnt apply to people who met someone irl)

I think you're being overly literal.

If you have a sense of self worth, can enjoy your own company, invest in your own wants, aspirations and peace of mind,you aren't likely to enter a relationship for the many, many damaging reasons people do.

If you find a partner helps you feel better about yourself, you will accept sub par relationships because they validate you.
If you don't like being alone you'll stay in poor relationships to avoid loneliness.
If you believe in external status rather than your intrinsic self worth, you will tolerate crap from men in your life.

Working on yourself, loving yourself doesn't mean every single aspect of your life is unimprovable. It means any relationship you engage in will be more healthy and enhance your life.

This applies for OLD for a bit of fun as much as IRL interactions.

I think it's making the distinction between feeling like you want a partner because you have a great life, friends, hobbies, adventures and you'd love to share it with someone; maybe even have children with that someone to share it with one day.

And needing a partner because you're lonely, you feel unfulfilled in life, youre unhappy and think that, one some level, havojg a partner would remove those feelings.

The reason is that people tend to make better choices and accept less shit when they date so they are less likely to overlook red flags or put up with a crap partner who brings them down when their lives are generally positive. They tend to think, "Fuck this shit!" And wak away.

When someone dates to 'fix' their life, worries about how they'd cope alone, what if they never meet anyone else? It's not a worse kind of shit its just different but at least they have someome to do life with, they're more likely to put up with a crap partner who adds nothing to their life and just brings them down.

People who are happy on their own tend to make better partner choices than people who aren't. And you can see that in the majority of threads on MN, tbh.

You are totally misunderstanding this and taking it literally. I am totally happy on my own, totally. No one is 100% happy 100% of the time, and if you think that’s an option, that will only lead to disappointment. There are rare occasions when I think ‘oooh I’d quite like to go to a movie tonight with a bloke’, but if I then dated and they showed even the tiniest red flag, I’d be off, secure in the knowledge that I’ll be happy single again. If you’re not ‘100% happy single’ then you let that red flag go, then the next. Etc

But I think that’s exactly what I’m questioning 😂. I’m not being literal about someone having to be smiling 24/7. I mean the actual idea that you need to be completely content with your life as it is before you start looking for a partner.
If you genuinely were completely content being single, why would you actively go onto a dating app and search for someone? You wouldn’t. You’d just carry on happily with your life.
I understand that you can still have a good life and be happy within yourself, but if you’re actively looking for a relationship, then clearly there’s something you want that you don’t currently have.
And that’s why I think it’s different when you meet someone naturally. You weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship, you met someone and something developed.
So I don’t think I’m being too literal. I think I’m questioning whether the advice itself actually makes sense when applied specifically to online dating.

Exactly this. I certainly don't want to fill someone's 'gap'.

You’re not engaging with what anyone is saying, just repeating yourself.

Oh, I agree.

I posted a thread a while back regarding DP, who I met IRL.

So many replies telling me to end things with him, to heal and to learn to love myself before I allowed myself to date again.

What a load of tosh! We, and I, were good. We both just had to learn how to be in a relationship again after having been married to someone else for a very very long time.

You are being overly literal, though. If I take up skydiving, it doesn’t mean my life was incomplete or lacking without skydiving.

I just see it as being content to be single means you are far less inclined to tolerate poor male behaviour as it’s better than being ‘alone’.

Ok im being literal guess theres not much else to say since no one seems to actually want a discussion other than to tell me im being literal