“You have to be happy on your own first”

[HappyJust]

I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t date until I’m 100% happy with myself and completely content with my life. But honestly, I don’t really understand that advice.
If someone was genuinely 100% happy and completely content with their life alone, why would they actively go looking for a relationship?
I’m specifically talking about online dating. You have to deliberately decide to join, make a profile, swipe, message people and put yourself through the whole dating process. If you were truly completely content being alone, why would you do any of that?
I’m not saying people who date are unhappy with themselves. I just think wanting a relationship obviously means you want something you don’t currently have. Otherwise, you’d just be happy staying single.
I think it’s different if you meet someone naturally in real life. You can be perfectly happy on your own, meet someone, hit it off and then decide you want a relationship with them. You weren’t necessarily searching for anything.
But actively going onto a dating app and searching for a partner? Surely that does mean, in some sense, that you’re not completely content with being alone.
Maybe I’m looking at it completely wrong, but I’ve never understood the “be 100% happy alone before you date” argument when the whole point of dating is that you want someone to share your life with.

Thanks, cant be bothered to argue with these hypocrites anymore i see it on loads of threads that you need to be 100% happy with yourself before you consider dating.

My take too!

I agree with you. I was dreadful lonely when I was single and I amount of friends or family can fill the gap of a partner or children.

I think it is aimed at people who bounce from one relationship to another, almost having them planned out before one ends and then into another.

the other total nonsense is the “stop looking and you meet someone”

Finding your other half is mostly luck. But if you’re not happy in yourself and your life you’re a) more likely to accept someone who treats you badly and b) more likely to have issues that put off someone who could be a good match.

The early days are meant to be fun. If you bring heavy insecurity, jealousy, misery, etc in the early days people are more likely not to stick around. When you’ve been together a while accepting that stuff and helping someone overcome it is more normal.

So what people are saying is that if you’re miserable single why would a partner want to be around you?

This is a great way of explaining it. Do you understand it with an example op?

It means that you shouldn't be in the situation where you need to be in a relationship in order to feel like a whole person.

I don’t think it means you have to be 100% happy before you can have a relationship. Just that you should be largely content in yourself and not looking for someone to fill a void inside you. We’re all flawed but shouldn’t expect a partner to fix that for us. Basically, don’t be an emotional vampire to other people. Relationships are about supporting each other with hard times and character improvement. But if someone constantly needs to be placated, have problems solved for them or vent about situations that never change, it’s not fair on the partner.

Likewise, it protects you against abuse. If you’re mostly happy in yourself and working on your issues, you’re less likely to be a victim to cruel partners who play on your insecurities.

The problem, @HappyJust , is that your initial statement is hyperbolic nonsense.

until I’m 100% happy with myself and completely content with my life

Absolute guff. No one says "100% happy and completely content", because no human being is either of those things (unless they are a reality TV star who is 200% enthusiastic and a complete moron).

People do say you need to be healed, to love yourself and value yourself and enjoy your life. That doesn't mean every single aspect of your life is a glittering display of rainbows and unicorns. It means you know and like yourself, and you know she like your life.

@PointedFirs skydiving example is a good one.

Well people have responded to you, you're just choosing to only reply or engage with the people who have said you're being literal.

And that's your choice of course. But if those are the posts you engage woth, those are the people who are going to respond again.

I actually think it can be quite hard to be in a relationship again after you've been very happy alone!

I have a very lovely DH and tremendous little family, but I had 6 years as a single parent to DC1 and I definitely look back on it fondly.

I'd been through an awful relationship and divorce and was very happy to be single. I also enjoyed online dating - I used to use it as a way to meet new people and go for dinner in places I'd not been before. Eventually I met my now DH, but I hadn't been endlessly searching for a soulmate.

There wasn't some hole he filled, I wasn't unhappy as a single person/parent and there's a lot to be said for not having to consider another adult in your day-to-day decisions!

That being said, wouldn't change my choices, DH or subsequent DC2 for the world.

Nothing is as straightforward as complete or incomplete, we can grow further to incorporate more happiness.

I think it’s more about enjoying your own company, and being happy (enough) with your life . A life that a man would add to , rather than take from. Some people are desperate to be in a relationship with anyone just so that they aren’t alone. That tends to end badly. The advice is mostly aimed at those people.

As for contentment, no matter how good your life is or how satisfied you are , there can always be something that can make it that little bit better. Sometimes that something is a relationship. Surely you can see that?

I think what I'm trying to say is... Everything is a trade-off.

If you're happy alone then yes, there are some downsides to being in a relationship, of course there are. You have to compromise. But you make that decision yourself because you think it's worth it. It's not a matter of being 100% complete and that's as good as it gets you can't be 101% happy and contented.

You can also be very unhappy and date, then you might find you're trading-off overlooking some other things that cause you unhappiness for the sake of not wanting to be lonely.

I guess people are just trying to say that's not a great place to make decisions from.

This is a great way to patronise.

Do you understand that @arethereanyleftatall ?

Totally. It was deliberate after the op’s inability to understand any responses where her own narrative wasn’t simply repeated, followed by a twattish insult to those who tried to help her understand.

Then you're an unkind person. There is never a need to patronise. It's childish and bullying.

Plus I don't see what you see in OPs posts.

If you've not been on the end of this hyperbolic MN nonsense, you have no clue how ridiculous some posters can be about "love yourself 100% first before you seek any other pleasure in life"

I think that advice means - if you're unhappy with your life, bored, lonely, stuck in a rut, lack confidence in yourself etc, don't seek a relationship in the hope it will repair that damage or fill that hole. Because people who are needy and lack confidence are less attractive to others, and you are less likely to succeed.

First, ensure your life is really in good shape - you are fit and healthy, socialising, working towards some goals you really care about. Then when you start dating, you give off a positive energy, and you will set the bar high as you wouldn't let anyone in who might drag you down.

Everyone I know who has found love later in life has done so through pursuing some genuine interest which led them to meet a man with similar interests. They were all women who wanted to meet a good man but weren't specifically looking for love when they signed up to those workshops/courses/adventure holidays - those were things they genuinely wanted to do for themselves.

I agree OP. Also annoys me when people who have always been in a relationship claim they’d be totally happy single because I feel like… you just can’t know that? Loneliness is real and can be very painful.

I think the point of saying things like this ranges from “I don’t want to hear about your life so here’s a pointless saying to invalidate your feelings” through to a more reasonable “don’t base all your self worth on one persons opinion” and “try to find things you enjoy about life even if one aspect isn’t how you’d like”.

I see it in a similar way to “money doesn’t buy happiness”. Well… yeah… sort of. There’s some truth in that and it could be a useful point to make to someone who is becoming obsessed with money and luxuries. But saying it to a friend who is struggling to pay their rent every month really misses the fucking point. For most people, a bit more money does make life easier and happier.

I've known people who have kids and so think that they can't expect too much from a future partner as if they're not as good, so don't deserve as much. Or people who think they're not attractive and so they'd be lucky just to have anyone. Things like that. You need to be love yourself enough to realise that it doesn't make you less than. You're as deserving of love and not needing to settle as anybody else. People who don't think that they're good enough (often coming from poor relationships) tend to put up with things that they shouldn't to be in a relationship. Having a break after these types of relationships is important before entering another so that you don't repeat the same situation with the next person.

It's maybe not so much about "loving yourself", so much as knowing who you are, having respect for the person that you are, knowing that you are a catch and not settling because you think that in some area of your life you may be "less than".

A break between relationships can be really important in this regard to make sure that you are entering into a healthy relationship with a much higher chance of success and happiness.

I agree with most of what you’ve said but I sometimes feel uneasy about the idea you have to “fix” yourself before entering a relationship. It can be nice to grow with someone else as well, rather than thinking I have to be fit and good looking and super interesting before I’m ready to meet someone or worthy of love.

Op you have to do what you think is best.
I would never ever take love advice from MN.
I love being single and have been for many years but thats me, my choice.
You have to do your own thing.

This. Time on my own meant I became independent and knew what I wanted. I love my own company. Now I don’t put up with anything less than what I want. My relationship is a nice addition to my life.

1. You will never be happy if you rely on someone else to make you happy.
2. It's not fair to the other person to make them responsible for your happiness.
3. A woman endangers herself physically and mentally if she dates without first being comfortable single. Women who believe that they need a man to be complete are much more likely to ignore red flags and stay with abusers.

I think the point is you need to be OK and have made a good life on your own before you meet someone else. It’s fine to be a bit lonely and want a partner that’s a fundamental human need and why people go online dating. However if you don’t value yourself and have your own independence you’re easy prey for the red flag types.

Ok it’s ok im being too literal nothing more to say really

I agree with this.

I’m content enough being single, independent and doing my own thing. I genuinely wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t bring joy to my life.

One of my friends said to me recently that I should focus on being by myself for awhile and focus on my children. I’ve been single for nearly 6 years and have my children 80% of the time - I haven’t got much of a choice but to focus on them 😂 Same for the people who say “Oooh, if me and Brian split up I wouldn’t bother dating again!” implying that we shouldn’t bother either. So frustrating and always said by someone who has been happily partnered for many years.