“You have to be happy on your own first”

[HappyJust]

I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t date until I’m 100% happy with myself and completely content with my life. But honestly, I don’t really understand that advice.
If someone was genuinely 100% happy and completely content with their life alone, why would they actively go looking for a relationship?
I’m specifically talking about online dating. You have to deliberately decide to join, make a profile, swipe, message people and put yourself through the whole dating process. If you were truly completely content being alone, why would you do any of that?
I’m not saying people who date are unhappy with themselves. I just think wanting a relationship obviously means you want something you don’t currently have. Otherwise, you’d just be happy staying single.
I think it’s different if you meet someone naturally in real life. You can be perfectly happy on your own, meet someone, hit it off and then decide you want a relationship with them. You weren’t necessarily searching for anything.
But actively going onto a dating app and searching for a partner? Surely that does mean, in some sense, that you’re not completely content with being alone.
Maybe I’m looking at it completely wrong, but I’ve never understood the “be 100% happy alone before you date” argument when the whole point of dating is that you want someone to share your life with.

What's wrong with these suggestions?

Surely, mixing with large groups of people is going to make it more likely you meet someone compatible. There is no "magic formula" to meeting the right person as if there were, then everyone would meet their partner in the exact same way and thats clearly not the case. Some people find love online and many find it completely demoralising. Not sure what else you are expecting people to say 🤷‍♀️

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Your childish responses to anyone who disagrees with you show that you aren't mature enough to be dating.

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@HappyJusti totally get what you mean. I always think it and just think it’s pointless bollocks, and it only seems to get trotted out for us women who have maybe been divorced, single mums, long term single. No one else seems to be held to this random high standard of only having an amazing life before thinking of starting up a relationship.

People are flawed, no one is perfect and it’s about finding someone who you can mesh well with, compromise and their faults are not deal breakers.

I just feel it’s patronising to women, just say you don’t have to tolerate shit relationships. Pisses me off. More than I can really explain why.

I don't think it has to be amazing, it just has to be enough.

I've seen threads where a single mum comes on and says something like "what man will want me now? Who's going to take us on?" And it's just so negative about herself (and her dc) that it seems desperate and as if he sees her kids as a burden and she'd accept any man at any cost.

I think that's when it tends to get wheeled out that you need to value yourself and make a happy life for yourself.

Maybe it's not the best way of putting it but I think it's a bit of hyperbole to say it has to be 100% happy or amazing.

Exactly. The frustrating thing is that people are now saying this never happens and that I’m being too literal, when I’ve literally seen it said on multiple threads. Women are regularly told they need to be 100% happy with themselves and completely content with their lives before they even consider looking for a partner.
That’s the whole reason I raised the point in the first place. I’m not making up some argument nobody has ever made 😂.
At this point I honestly can’t be bothered responding anymore because I feel like people are arguing with me about something I’ve actually seen repeatedly. If you don’t agree with the advice, fine, but saying it doesn’t happen at all is just not true.

I have never seen such a monumentally pissed-off OP trying so hard to be breezily nonchalant.

Either engage with what people are saying to understand why, or explain your point in some other way if you think everyone has missed it; or just leave the thread entirely. Continuously replying to say that you aren't replying is not exactly bearing witness to how much you don't care.

FWIW, I have never heard it said that you must be categorically 100% happy as all get-out before (specifically) online dating (not real life). Just happy enough that you don't need another person to validate you. They will add the cherry on top of an already good cake. Maybe you are reading mild exaggeration as cast-iron fact?

It keeps being bumped up on my feed but yes time to unfollow

I do get what you mean.
I think the advice should really be you will be happiest in a relationship when you’ve sorted out your own shit to be the best of your ability and understand a partner cannot rewrite your past, solve current issues you have, and assure your future.
Most of us have baggage. But I did repeat the same mistakes over again and kept blaming the arsehole in question.
And after a gallery of arseholes I did think, I need a break and I need to change things.
We do pick up issues during childhood even in seemingly happy homes, and we often try to fix them in a relationship, or we try to get the other person to fix it for us.
It is not healthy to do this and is a cause of pain.
I have learned to be more accepting of my failures, understand that my other half being a bit of a twit on occasion doesn’t make him the same of past arseholes, and that true love doesn’t always mean a lasting relationship.
It is love, trust, respect, self respect, boundaries, independence, the ability to be separate entities and also…. forgiveness and a sense of humour!
If only I’d known any of this at 20. Three times that age now… getting there!

I agree with you that you don't need to have 'fixed' yourself. But be living a good life. Someone who wants or needs to lose a fair bit of weight but is already on the journey, enjoying keeping fit and cooking healthily is more attractive than someone who doesn't love themselves enough to do those things unless a man already shows interest.

And I don't understand why anyone would put off having an interesting life until they meet a man. Why not study towards better qualifications, or travel to a place you have always wanted to visit. You might prefer to be there with a partner, but better to actually be there than not at all.

I think it's nonsense. I was utterly miserable when I met my now husband. We've just celebrated our 9 year anniversary.

Can you link to some of these posts OP, as I've not noticed anyone say you have to be 100% happy? I've certainly seen things along the lines of what almost every PP has mentioned, about being happy and content in your own skin. As you seem adamant that we're all wrong and you're right I'm just curious to see examples.

But @Winederlustare many of us content and happy in our skin? We all have our flaws, hang ups, worries etc that’s just life.

I think as long you’re not seeking people out to deliberately hurt them then it’s just part of life looking for relationships.
meeting someone can happen at anytime sometimes when you’re in a great place sometimes the opposite.
Ive read on here and in real life people getting in relationships following divorce, bereavement, job loss etc there’s often no perfect time for it happen and it can be down to sheer luck and timing.
No one I know is also perfectly happy and confident in their own skin although im sure there’s people out there who are but most of us have things we dislike about ourselves.

The main reasons people I think get in to relationships is for closeness, intimacy and companionship a lot of which cannot be replaced by friends and family. I have great family and friends but a partner is something wholly different and I think it’s valid to want that no matter what stage of life you’re in and if you’re feeling less than happy with your life. It’s again asking the impossible of women in general. You MUST be happy being on your own (?) before looking for a partner. To me it makes no sense.

It just means you shouldn't have any major issues you're looking for someone to fix-as in if you're terrified to sort things out on your own/go out without someone else, then you might want to work on that so you're not just reliant. Like if you don't want to work/drive etc and are effectively looking for a parent,not partner.

While no doubt there are exceptions, most people do want a partner, and you don't have to be perfect first.

I think it is more that you should be capable of making yourself happy under your own steam. Not that you have to be skipping through the daisies all day, every day.

If you are not capable of ever being content by your own abilities, then searching for someone to fulfil that for you is a hiding to nothing.

Being 100% content with your life doesn't mean staying still and never trying to see what else there is or to expand it further.

I'm content with my life (and it truly took work to get to that place), what I've seen and where I've been, the friends I've made, what I've achieved. Doesn't mean I'm not up for new experiences, new destinations, new books, meeting new people, new skills, new career branches.

I was content when I was single and indeed wasn't looking for a relationship before I met DH. I think one of the reasons it's been a great relationship is because I truly didn't need it for its own sake - I carried on with it because he kept making my life even better.

I agree with the sentiment, but some people take it too literally.

It means more like.. if you're trying to be with someone to cover up your own issues, it won't work.

So, if you want to be with someone because you need attention, company, love, etc to feel valued, that's not right.

You should be happy with yourself as an individual first and foremost, before looking for someone to share your life with.

Errr because I’m a single parent and don’t have the free time/childcare to do these things, as I said in my post you are quoting. You’ve literally proved my point!

I agree. I’m completely content with my lovely life so I am not looking to add a man to it. I think that would detract from current happiness.

Is it possible you are looking for reasons for this to be wrong because you don’t know how to be happy on your own?

I really recommend a book called The unexpected joy of being single. I read it after my divorce and a flurry of bad dating choices. It was excellent at helping me understand exactly why I wanted, rather than needed to date. And that is really what you have been told. Love yourself enough that you know your value. That you don’t settle. That you choose someone who brings extra rather than takes it from your life.