“You have to be happy on your own first”

[HappyJust]

I’ve been told before that I shouldn’t date until I’m 100% happy with myself and completely content with my life. But honestly, I don’t really understand that advice.
If someone was genuinely 100% happy and completely content with their life alone, why would they actively go looking for a relationship?
I’m specifically talking about online dating. You have to deliberately decide to join, make a profile, swipe, message people and put yourself through the whole dating process. If you were truly completely content being alone, why would you do any of that?
I’m not saying people who date are unhappy with themselves. I just think wanting a relationship obviously means you want something you don’t currently have. Otherwise, you’d just be happy staying single.
I think it’s different if you meet someone naturally in real life. You can be perfectly happy on your own, meet someone, hit it off and then decide you want a relationship with them. You weren’t necessarily searching for anything.
But actively going onto a dating app and searching for a partner? Surely that does mean, in some sense, that you’re not completely content with being alone.
Maybe I’m looking at it completely wrong, but I’ve never understood the “be 100% happy alone before you date” argument when the whole point of dating is that you want someone to share your life with.

Oh also! People who say to meet a man, “join a book club” “go do a hobby” “do CrossFit” etc etc. I’m a single parent, I don’t have infinite free time to do hobbies every night of the week.

I'm single and love m own space and not looking to share it with anyone. But every now and again I fancy a fuck. It's not that difficult to understand.

This!

I started dating after my marriage ended due to exH cheating. Was nowhere near ready and it was a car crash. I was vulnerable, needy, had anxious attachment.

got some therapy, waited a couple of years and dated again. I was in a much better place than the first experience. However I still thought I needed a relationship to be happy and it was my main focus. Took up far too much of my headspace and I was almost fixated on meeting someone. Risk is that you accept behaviour/treatment or overlook flaws in order to be in a relationship. Tbh I had some good experiences during this period and dated some lovely men too but nothing worked long term. I did learn a lot from the experience.

Now, 10 years post divorce I’m genuinely happy on my own and with the life I’ve built. Im open to dating someone if it would enhance an already full life and makes me even happier. However, as I’m perfectly happy on my own I’m not willing to settle. I also feel I know my worth and wouldn’t entertain the behaviour of half the men I dated 3 or 4 years ago.

I recently downloaded a dating app. Swiping right on far fewer men than I did previously. Not getting over invested earlier on. In fact, just last week I was ghosted by a guy I was supposed to be having a first date with this weekend. A few years ago I’d have been upset and it would’ve dented my self esteem. This time i realised that if he’s unreliable or believes ghosting is socially acceptable. I was much happier sitting in on my own with a glass of wine, my M&S snacks and having a good Netflix binge

Do you always have a strop when you don’t get the answers you want from something?

Nope but im being shut down repeatedly so really theres nothing more to add. Im agreeing :) end of discussion but you can discuss it between yourselves

I dont think people are shutting you down as much as disagreeing, which is fine!

If you feel that people collectively haven't understood the point you're trying to make, maybe try explaining it differently.

I don't think there's anything much for other people to discuss amongst themselves though given that everyone else seems to be pretty much in agreement in their understanding of the expression.

FWIW, no one thinks that people are being told they must be 100% happy before dating anyone because, as you say, if you were 100% happy with your life, why would you change it?

Just that the advice is to be generally content and happy enough that you're making good choices and don't end up dating the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

And no one is ever 100% happy with their life so it would be a ridiculous expectation anyway.

It’s not shutting you down to disagree with you 🫣

Well people are discussing it amongst themselves so thats fine but I have nothing more to add.

I have the opposite problem to you OP and it drives me mad!
Divorced last year, left him the year before so 2 years since marriage ended. Live alone, good friends, good social life, holidays etc.
Got talking to a nice guy on a day out. We texted over the weekend, lovely guy, polite respectful etc, however I felt myself getting a bit anxious and self conscious and called it off. I told him I was just not ready for any relationship and I’m not. However some of my friends are always telling me to get back out there! He was obviously not the one etc, it doesn’t matter what I say that I’m not ready etc they just continue saying what they want to believe.
Anyway that was a long post but my point is, ignore people’s (hopefully well meaning) advice, only you know yourself, just smile and take it with a pinch of salt and do what’s best for you x

I don’t think anyone is 100% happy with themselves or life

really ?????

Nobody is shutting you down.

You started a thread as there is a common saying you have said you don’t understand and were looking for advice.

We’ve all explained our understanding of it and you’ve shut us down. You obviously were hoping we’d all agree with you that the expression was bollocks.

Youre clearly not happy in yourself and want a relationship to fix it. Knock yourself out!

But don’t pretend to ask for advice on what something means when in reality all you’re looking for is people to agree with your opinion on something you don’t feel makes sense

I think it,s just one of the things coupled up people say to despairing singles. Like 'you're trying too hard', or ' you're not trying hard enough', or 'if you stopped trying it will happen by itself'. Coupled up people don't understand how single people are single, and singles don't understand how couples get together. When I was younger I asked couples how they met, as if there was a secret that I needed to discover and master. What struck me was the banality of the encounters. . There is no secret. They met and they got on. (I'm simplifying obvs).

This.

It just simply means that you should WANT to be with someone rather than NEED to be with someone.

So for people who go from relationship to relationship never single or only for a short time. People who dont like their own company, or need the status of a relationship, and this often make poor dating choices, lower boundaries and standards.

Guess we found out why you’re single 👀

I have to be fit and good looking and super interesting before I’m ready to meet someone or [be] worthy of love.

It's literally the opposite. No one thinks you have to change your physical appearance, become a sparkling conversationalist. You aren't being asked to improve yourself to earn a partner, fgs.

People are suggesting if you were happy in yourself and future relationships would be healthier and more rewarding. It's getting confident, being able to maintain healthy boundaries, mentally in a good place and resilient. Not instructions for a makeover.

I don't think k anyone will be happy 100% of the time. Even if you've built a great life, it doesn't mean you won't be sad if your cat dies of old age, you won't feel pain if you get toothache, or you won't feel annoyed if you drop your favourite mug. If you never feel any negative emotions, how would you even recognise happiness?

But I think people who are secure in themselves are the types who will enter a relationship to enhance their lives, rather than put up with being belittled, put down, treated as a servant, or whatever other behaviour because putting up with that is better than being single and feeling you're lesser than couples. Or, getting into a relationship so you can rescue them from drugs/drinking/lack of drive to do better at work, etc.

I live alone, I earn my own money,pay my own bills, go on holiday, have days out by myself. It doesn't mean I don't do things with friends, never holiday with others. But i do those things because I want to, not because I feel there's no other choice. If I have a relationship, it's going to be because it's someone who interests me and finds me interesting and we mutually fancy each other. But i don't need a relationship for my life not to be doing well anyway.

See you are all talking to yourselves im not reading any of it lol 😂

Why are you still responding then?

you want 1-2-1 discussions on a forum, is that what you're asking?

I do agree you need to be confident to be the real you. I like to think im happy with myself and my body. If your not confident this can lead to being with someone for the wrong reasons.
So yes if your confident and happy in yourself you will likely be with someone who compliments you rather than wanting something you may feel you need in life

Just find it funny this still going, like I said you are welcome to discuss between yourselves lol 😂

I didn’t see anyone shut down, just gave their opinion like you gave yours. It’s being literal if you keep repeating the 100% happy bit as most don’t take it to mean that. It’s about wanting and not needing someone in you’re life

Sure 👌