Husband has resigned again without a plan and I feel unsafe

[Bewildered13]

I would like some input please but would beg kindness as I am in tears a lot right now. My husband has resigned before without a plan and I don’t trust him (he has bought several sports cars secretly). He wanted to talk about his job but the conversation made me feel unsafe as he wants to scream “it is toxic” (btw he is only 70% FTE) until I say “fine leave then”. So I have - hands up I admit it - avoided talking about it because it panics me - patterns repeating. Last night I found out that he resigned twice in the last year. He has no job from the end of September. He is nearly 60. His plan is to start selling our meagre asset pool (retirement pot) until he can find a job. (I work by the way - I have a ridiculous work ethic.)

There are many other factors playing into the marriage but I wanted input on the resignations alone. Be kind please!

More context is needed

Well, what's your 'asset pool'? If it's rental properties, you're probably fine; if it's his collection of toby jugs, probably not so much.

Surely he can sell the several sports cars to tide him over. Was it the job that was toxic? Why don't you want to talk about it?

As he’s nearly 60 is early retirement an
option. Getting a new job at 60 will be hard

We are similar except DH was retrenched after a short contract.
DH had complained about work for years and left previous job quickly.
He is now ‘semi retired’ and despite saying he is open to working, I know he won’t.
like you I have a strong work ethic and a healthier pension pot as I have prioritised saving in recent years.
We saw a financial advisor who laid out out financial situation and, if we are careful, we can afford for him to retire.
This has given me peace of mind and I am not as stressed about him finding a job as I have been in the past.
I will continue to work as long as I can physically (manual job).
I suggest seeing a financial adviser together to see what your situation is and what you both need to do to retire ( and when you can afford to).
Good luck

What do you mean by ‘unsafe’?

So hes wanted to speak to you about the job before now, youve refused and now are upset that hes made a decision without your input?

There is nothing keeping you in this relationship if you feel unsafe. You need to protect yourself and your own assets before he bleeds you dry.

I took that to mean financially unsafe.

If he's resigned twice already this year and walked straight into new jobs at age 60, then I think he's done extremely well. It took DH 6 months to find new work when he got made redundant at that age.

What are you looking for from this thread? Relationship advice, solidarity, a robust plan?

Depending on your financial situation it's not unreasonable for his to retire at 60 if he isn't getting on with work. How would it affect you?

If you file for divorce his spending will come out of his split.

If you can't talk then you have little influence. You can't force him to work.

If this will have significant financial impact on you I'd divorce. I'd probably have gone for it when the first sports car appeared.

Get urgent legal advice about how you can protect your asset pool if you separate. Isn’t it better to walk away with half of what you have now than have him asset strip your future? I’ve been there in a repeating pattern of financial insecurity with an exH and you will probably be financially better off without someone sabotaging you and even if you are worse off having total financial control is still worth a lot in peace of mind. It’s uncanny how drifters and dreamers always end up married to someone sensible and hardworking and never another drifter or dreamer.

He's secretly been buying sports cars. The OP doesn't trust him. Who's to say he's even telling the truth about finding new jobs when she's only just found out he's resigned twice in the last year. He also appears to have a tendency to scream 'toxic!' at the OP, who panics whenever she tries to talk to him about finances.

You want input into the resignation alone - fair enough.
my view is that he’s behaved selfishly, but that it’s not new behaviour. At least he tried to talk about it with you, although you shut him down.

if you want an opinion on wider matters, it seems as though you have mismatched retirement plans and a serious difficulty in communicating as a partnership. Are you prepared to commit to the rest of your life in a relationship which doesn’t meet your own financial security needs?

You need to leave if being around him makes you feel unsafe.

He sounds like my dad. I don’t know how my poor step mum put up with him. My dad actually had some fantastic jobs but over time he fucked up or couldn’t cope with having someone over him and kept resigning. Over and over till he ended up in a crap job and is now on the sick.

They lost their house because of it and now live with my step mums mum
in her council house.

No accountability or responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault.

My step mum won’t leave him and she’s terrified as her mum is elderly and they will booted out of the house when she passes away - making them homeless in their late 60s. She had her own house when she met him.

Freeze your accounts and divorce him before takes the lot

Thank you everyone! There are many more marital factors but I wanted input on this one thing. I totally agree that I should have been open to talk about the job unhappiness but - as he said about the cars - “I don’t ask your opinions as you always dismiss me and say no”. I have already seen a lawyer, am lining up a counsellor for myself and asked him for couples counselling because I don’t trust him. He agreed. We can’t afford for him to give up work - we have kids in University and using up a decent chunk of our retirement pot every year is irresponsible. Whilst I carry on slugging away.

OP in his head - he’s finished with work. Prepare yourself.

On a side note why are paying for kids in Uni when you can’t afford it?

Time to separate your finances.

Depends on the sector and how marketable his skills are. Some sectors rife with age discrimination, others not so much. However, he should at least be trying to get some kind of work. Him retiring early because he won’t make the effort is not fair on OP.

So he thinks resigning without clear reason (i didnt pick up on a reason from your post) and starting to sell off whatever assets you have is a good way forward.

He is a liability. I feel for you. I got
divorced because my ex’s financial irresponsibility was making me lose sleep. I can understand how you feel.

Are you sure he resigned and wasn’t sacked?

Surely he has to give notice, and in the meantime looks for another job,

And if dragging his feet he needs to sell the cars, end of,

Can you elaborate on feeling unsafe? That seems an extreme reaction to your husband wanting to talk about being unhappy at work?

What are your assets, realistically how long will they keep you going if he starts selling them? Tell him to start with the sports cars.

Can he access a pension pot? It is unlikey he is going to just walk into another job. Did he have genuine reasons for resigning? I would hate for my husband to be unhappy at work.

How long do you have left until retirement?

Your husband is creating a serious financial risk.

There is no sensible justification for owning several sports cars.

I would not continue working while he spends irresponsibly on assets that lose value the moment they leave the forecourt.