Husband has resigned again without a plan and I feel unsafe

[Bewildered13]

I would like some input please but would beg kindness as I am in tears a lot right now. My husband has resigned before without a plan and I don’t trust him (he has bought several sports cars secretly). He wanted to talk about his job but the conversation made me feel unsafe as he wants to scream “it is toxic” (btw he is only 70% FTE) until I say “fine leave then”. So I have - hands up I admit it - avoided talking about it because it panics me - patterns repeating. Last night I found out that he resigned twice in the last year. He has no job from the end of September. He is nearly 60. His plan is to start selling our meagre asset pool (retirement pot) until he can find a job. (I work by the way - I have a ridiculous work ethic.)

There are many other factors playing into the marriage but I wanted input on the resignations alone. Be kind please!

Does he show you he loves you?

It wasn’t that long ago that white collar workers would have retired with their gold watch at 60. What else is going on in your lives, have you recently suffered bereavements or sick / declining parents? Before you consider couples counselling I would get some counselling on your own.

and what job do you do to support the family?

You probably should have left a long time ago. You can still go. Don’t waste any more time OP.

Honestly? Just divorce him and his shitty pension ideas and live somewhere else with your own pension

"His plan is to start selling our meagre asset pool (retirement pot) until he can find a job."
Are these assets protected in any way, e.g. he would need your signature to sell them? If it's cash in a savings account, can you transfer it to an account in your sole name to protect it?

"he has bought several sports cars secretly"
Does he still own them? Obviously they'd be sellable, although probably at a substantial loss to what he paid for them. Only rare cars holds their value.

As the suffragette banner says: deeds not words.

Words are cheap and easy to fake. His "I love you" is cheap and easy to fake.

His actions:

• He cheated on you.
• He is happy to spend family money on sports cars.
• He is happy to spend your retirement money, endangering your financial security in old age.
• He is happy to flounce out of his job and leave you the sole earner.

This man is not invested in your marriage. He is not invested in you. His actions tell you this.

She works, it's in the OP.

I dont understand the post. But you don't need permission to leave him if that's what you want to do.

Theres Only one person in your marriage that’s important and that’s HIM
Its all been what he wants
An affair
sportscars
quitting his job
spending your joint retirement fund
giving you silent treatment

And I bet there’s more ?
If you have no children young what are you hanging around a selfish man like him for

We only get one life

Im afraid Id be starting divorce proceedings OP.

This. I increasingly hear about men resigning without an alternative income and assuming their wives/partners will keep them.

I have to say, one of the joys of being single is that there is no lazy selfish man assuming he can freeload for the last 10 working years of his life.

Don't these men have any work ethic? Or any shame?

He’s part of my history and interwoven into our children’s happiness. It’s messy. I think I’m grieving what marriage should be and remain hopeful that I can turn this around. He says he loves me. Is that enough?

Do you love him? Or are you just afraid to throw a grenade into your dc' lives? The latter is not so bad because your dc are at uni and will soon have their own lives apart from you and dh. This is prime time for divorce. So many of these so-called 'empty nest' or silver divorces happen around this time, usually initiated by the wife.

It sounds cold but I have always worked hard to save for a retirement and give the children a financial leg up. If someone (including my dh) jeopardised that and was intending to parasite off my work ethic, I would get rid of the deadweight that is dragging me down. A marriage is if each party pulls their own weight at least, taking turns if necessary to support the other through difficult periods. Here, he created the difficult patch and is actively destroying your retirement and your dcs' financial security.

A divorce will be difficult financially but better to do it before he drains your assets. At least you get to keep half in a divorce. Maybe your lawyer can enable you keep more. He gets to keep his cars of course.

This is head over heart. A very difficult decision but you know you have to do it sooner rather than later, unless you are resigned for him to leech off you, drain you financially and steal from your dcs. If anything, do it for your dcs. They can still visit him.

He sounds like a blood sucker who has got you where he wants you.

Sorry OP, I agree
although you had me at "secretly buying several sports cars."

Not talking to for a month is horrible. Screaming at you that his job is toxic, is a very good reason for you not discussing it with him. It sounds like the two of you cannot properly discuss things and that his behaviour is becoming very difficult. Could he be having some kind of breakdown.

The talk of selling your joint assets from someone who buys big ticket items with family funds secretly is worrying. Could he have run up debts?

I think you need three things, a counsellor for yourself (at least initially), a financial advisor - for yourself and a lawyer - for yourself... so that you can get a clear picture of where you stand and what your options are. And in particular whether you can stop the assets sale until its been properly considered so he doesn't just blow it all on more sports cars. His behaviour seems very unpredictable which is concerning because he seems to be in charge of everything, but as he has now resigned and plans to retire, it will be you working to keep the house running with no say in how the finances are managed and you could be in real trouble if your assets will only last until you are both in your 70s.

You seem to be regretting leaving behind the past, when your children were small and so on, which is more than understandable.. but times change, things move on and particularly now the children are at uni and will soon fly the nest There will be no buffers. You need to consider whether you can put up with this behaviour for another 15 or more years. Sorry OP.

Oh OP, it sounds like something switched internally and now the floodgates have come crashing open spilling everything you've been suppressing.

I just wanted to say, there are no medals or rewards for staying in a marriage just because it's been a long one. I'm not advocating divorce, I just think you're hoodwinking yourself.

Be honest with yourself, when was the last time you felt truly happy in your marriage?

Your children are presumably young adults soon to enter the world of jobs and relationships - they will lead their lives. That isn't dependant on you staying with their dad.

Love in a long term relationship is, above all else, reciprocal. It’s feelings supported and appreciated, appreciating and wanting to support your partner. Feeling like you’re on the same team and can compromise to find goals you’re both really happy with. Still having a twinkle in your eye when you look at each other - not necessarily sexual, but at least romantic. Wanting to spend time together.

My exH used to resign with no clear plan. He hated working with or for other people, all of whom he was convinced were moronic, lazy, and liars. One of the worst resignations happened when I was newly pg and experiencing bleeding after several miscarriages. A few months after we bought our house and had a mortgage to pay, he again started whining about his colleagues and boss, and soon he had resigned, with a cockeyed idea of setting up his own professional practice, with no clients, no office, and no cushion saved so we could pay the mortgage, feed us, keep the house warm, or afford any of the inevitable surprise repairs that were needed.

He specialised in creating chaos in our lives. If it wasn't financial chaos, it was unpredictable bouts of rage. He had at least one affair (m2m) and had signed on to casual encounter sites.

He loved driving manual shift cars and spent a gift from his parents on a zippy little car for himself while at the same time chiding me for not sticking strictly to a list when I did the grocery shopping.

My advice to you is to divorce your H. Claim your half of the marital assets. Keep working as long as you possibly can.

So basically the problem is his ego.

(And it is likely too that he has actually been fired - this was what happened once to my exH).

The extreme stress you're feeling right now is definitely going to make you feel unsafe

Please do not do couples counseling with this man. As pps have said, the relationship is abusive. Nothing good can come of counseling with an abuser.

Get counseling for yourself, and get the best solicitor you can afford

You are not compatible- he is 60 and not going to change, he is clearly not responsible with money- if i were you I would leave now with as much intact as i could, otherwise you will be living in poverty with no income unable to retire, but you sound tied in , definitely never allow to use the retirement pot, what pension do you have , you should look to that asap.

Have you taken YOUR share of the assets and put them where he cannot touch them? Let him sell his sports cars.

Did he outearn you so much that he could help support the house (50%) and STILL buy many sports cars?

Why are you still married to him when he has done this over and over?