Husband has resigned again without a plan and I feel unsafe

[Bewildered13]

I would like some input please but would beg kindness as I am in tears a lot right now. My husband has resigned before without a plan and I don’t trust him (he has bought several sports cars secretly). He wanted to talk about his job but the conversation made me feel unsafe as he wants to scream “it is toxic” (btw he is only 70% FTE) until I say “fine leave then”. So I have - hands up I admit it - avoided talking about it because it panics me - patterns repeating. Last night I found out that he resigned twice in the last year. He has no job from the end of September. He is nearly 60. His plan is to start selling our meagre asset pool (retirement pot) until he can find a job. (I work by the way - I have a ridiculous work ethic.)

There are many other factors playing into the marriage but I wanted input on the resignations alone. Be kind please!

My ex was financially abusive too. Things are much calmer now. Why do you feel unsafe? Is it financial uncertainty or physically unsafe?

He shouldn't be spending your retirement funds if he's not retired. Has he sold the cars? They're the first things to go if not. He really should be working if you only have meagre funds.

Hopefully, your solicitor visit will clarify next steps for you (which should probably be directed away from your husband).

It doesn't matter a damn whether his work is toxic or not, you have kids & a home that you need to continue earning wages to fund.

It's selfish and irresponsible to simply say 'Fuck it, I'm done!' and leave a job when you have a family who depends on your wages.

I'd actually be telling him that if he's not prepared to continue working until retirement age, you're getting a divorce so that the pension pot will be split accordingly, so that he can't deplete your share of it...

But if you think that's not what you'd want to do, then I'd be tempted to say to him 'You don't get to live off our joint savings/pension pot just because you don't like your bloody job! So either you get your old job back, get a new job pronto, otherwise I think we'll BOTH just jack in working until the retirement pot is empty, because I'll be damned if I'm going to carry on working while you drain our pension pot lazing about doing bugger all. We'll BOTH do bugger all until it's gone!'

Seriously, why the hell would he think it's ok for him to drain the pension pot, whilst benefiting from no working, but he thinks that you should keep working and not benefit from the pension pot at all??(because he'll have drained it by the time you're due to retire ffs!)

If it's good enough for him to do, it's good enough for you to do too.

@Bewildered13 Please don't go for joint counselling. It is a seriously bad idea when one partner is abusing the other.

It would be better for you to go by yourself, so you can freely talk to the counsellor about everything, and how you feel about it all, without him then being able to use it as a stick to beat you with at home.

He yells and sulks - I am pathetic and end up appeasing him. I have FINALLY realised I have options and am completely overwhelmed by them. The assets would keep him going about 10 years and then he will have no retirement pot at the age of 70. Last night - in our fight - I asked what is the problem at work and he just repeated that someone had been put in his job and he was told to work for them and it’s toxic. And boring.

@Bewildered13

I'm glad you have a solicitor's appt. But you need to separate your assets right away. You telling him 'don't' obviously isn't going to stop him selling them if he can and wants to.

Another thing, if he's routinely able to 'bully you down' until you give in to what he wants then you need to realize he's going to do this wrt selling any assets that require your signature. You need to toughen up on that right away!

If you were my DD I would be telling you to seek a divorce.

THIS!!!

I know someone who makes out they left their last 4 jobs, when after speaking to people who also worked in those places (small area), they were told to go due to behavior.

They’re not her assets though are they ? They’ll be marital assets.

I asked what is the problem at work and he just repeated that someone had been put in his job and he was told to work for them

So he's been demoted then?

Your language is very emotive ? All this be kind and unsafe . What are the issues , do you not have money for bills or is it he just wants to retire ? . You are working and you have assets , so am I missing something here .

Divorce him..

Yes, I know. I am not giving a lot of context because I wanted an opinion on these facts alone. Even if that opinion was “grow up woman, you asked for it”. There’s other stuff - it’s been a long marriage - that has surfaced so I am feeling overcome by everything. He has given me the silent treatment for a month for example.

Are you in the Uk?

@Bewildered13

Sounds to me as if the job issue is perhaps the tip of a very big iceberg. As far as I'm concerned him quitting a job and wanting to liquidate assets to pay his way until his pensions kick in is enough of a reason to divorce, if for financial reasons only. Because IMHO he has no intention of getting and/or keeping another job.

The problem with a spouse who suddenly decides to 'retire' without a good and thorough financial discussion with the other spouse to be sure they can afford it that is that the spouse who is working when this happens is the one who really suffers. In the end they are the ones who will have to keep working until the 'die at the switch' to keep things afloat whilst the one who retired lives their merry leisure life.

Is divorce an option?

You seem to be overreacting. He’s quit a toxic job your post is very emotional. Take a few days to do something normal don’t put pressure on him then calmly talk about the future.

@Bewildered13 Looks like he's checked out of working and any commitment to you OP. You'd be better off getting a divorce. Otherwise you'll be supporting an obviously very selfish man from the age of 70 until you die. Sorry to be harsh, but it's the way things will go.

He's given you the silent treatment for a month??!! Get divorced and live your life exactly as you want to, op.

If my husband was buying sports cars “secretly” and refusing to work resulting in a loss of joint assets I would leave before their are no assets to split.

He's resigned twice in the last year and secretly bought several expensive sports cars. He's now 60 (so jobs aren't exactly going to fall into his lap) and he plans to live on his "meagre" pension pot which will only last 10 years at best. So at the age of 70 he will be skint and the OP will have to support him, and she won't be young herself. I wouldn't exactly call that an overreaction.

@Bewildered13 do you want to spend a possible 20/30 years tip going around this man, ignoring his incompetence, sulking, moods and frittering away your assets?

what would life feel like in 5 years time if you started divorce proceedings this year?

how would you feel, how would your life change when the divorce is behind you? All done and dusted…

good luck. I can well understand why you feel absolutely beaten down and passive due to his moods and emotional and verbal abuse.

Either talk to him about everything, or leave him be.

If you're going to divorce him then I'd do it now, before he sells off all the assets (has he drawn down his own private pension to buy the sports cars?) If you wait it out until the assets are gone, he'll then be able to come after half of your pension in the divorce. Better to do it while the finances are more balanced.

Thank you to the people who have been supportive. And to the ones who queried me, also thank you because I wanted a balanced view. There is more (obviously): he was unfaithful in the past (and just blamed it on alcohol) and I think I am processing only now - now that the kids are older - how my body is holding onto all the grief and shame (no-one knows IRL) and sadness. I just feel so sad but I can’t go telling people about past trauma so I was hoping that this resignation thing was enough of an explanation I guess. Please don’t come for me. This is the worst thing ever

I feel for you OP.im also in a very long time marriage that is far from perfect.
How old are you ?
Do you have a realistic idea for retirement.
I say this as myself and dh have slogged away all our life and scrimped a lot.He is due to retire as he is much older than me.We did our sums and technically there is more in the pot than we realized.
I wasn't aiming for a luxury retirement anyway.
Could you retire yourself or is he being a selfish arse.?