Husband has resigned again without a plan and I feel unsafe

[Bewildered13]

I would like some input please but would beg kindness as I am in tears a lot right now. My husband has resigned before without a plan and I don’t trust him (he has bought several sports cars secretly). He wanted to talk about his job but the conversation made me feel unsafe as he wants to scream “it is toxic” (btw he is only 70% FTE) until I say “fine leave then”. So I have - hands up I admit it - avoided talking about it because it panics me - patterns repeating. Last night I found out that he resigned twice in the last year. He has no job from the end of September. He is nearly 60. His plan is to start selling our meagre asset pool (retirement pot) until he can find a job. (I work by the way - I have a ridiculous work ethic.)

There are many other factors playing into the marriage but I wanted input on the resignations alone. Be kind please!

Based on just the “he’s resigned at 60 and has a retirement pot he intends to lean on that will last 10 years” I would say - It’s not like you have kids that he needs to support (unless I’ve completely misread the situation) so resigning because he hates his job, if he have enough to keep him going for a while isn’t the wisest financial choice but it’s not a totally unreasonable one. It sounds like you need to decide whether you’re prepared to subsidise him or not. If not, get out ASAP as the later you leave it, the more of your assets will get used to even things up when you do split.

But it sounds like there is more to it than that. If he’s been difficult all these years and had you wondering about the relationship I’m assuming the idea of divorce and the unknown is really scary to you. So I would suggest thinking carefully about whether he will bring joy to your life if he doesn’t have to work in a job he hates and whether that’s something you could decide is worth the financial cost. Maybe downsize early so your expenses are lower and come up with a plan to make both your lives more enjoyable but less costly. If he’s doesn’t bring joy to your life then I think you need to bite the bullet and realise making a life on your own is exceedingly unlikely to worse and quite likely to be an awful lot better.

Do you even like him.anymore?
If no, cut your losses.

Ypu Sound so sad, OP, this is no way to live.
I think divorce might be an option worth considering, but get proper legal advice before making any decisions.
The financial stuff is bad enough, but add in adultery and the current silent treatment, and it points to your husband being wrapped up in himself and his interests at your expense. And he’s not even nice to you.
When you go to see a solicitor, give them as much detail about the financial situation as you can, values of pension funds etc. You might have to take a financial hit to be shot of him, but it might be worth it, especially if you are younger than him and can continue to build your own pension.

Do you want to break free from this pathetic lightweight?

Thank you ♥️. No I can’t retire. This all depends on me working for another 10 years

Teamrabbit
He sounds like my dad. I don’t know how my poor step mum put up with him. My dad actually had some fantastic jobs but over time he fucked up or couldn’t cope with having someone over him and kept resigning. Over and over till he ended up in a crap job and is now on the sick.
They lost their house because of it and now live with my step mums mum
in her council house.
No accountability or responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault.

I listen to friends who are very good at their job and they will never get how hard it is to drown in a job. Drowning while having to deal with everyday family life is a million times harder because of the weight of expectations to provide

Where has he got the money to buy several secret sports cars? Is it from joint savings or assets? If it was and he didn't discuss it with you first I'd divorce him. As you get older you need financial security and I imagine it would be very scary if one partner started secretly making very large purchases from joint assets. Honestly I'd divorce whilst there are assets left to split.

Thank you. In all the emotion of the last few days, this is a quiet reminder. No I don’t like who we have become together during the last 20 odd years. I like myself away from him but I don’t like who I become around him. And the same for him. Hence all the grief. I’m scared this has one ending but I need to make sure that I don’t just finish this important relationship over something possibly relatively trivial that can be overcome.

Did the amount of loan for uni depend on his earnings op.
You say you're paying for uni, does this mean you think any ongoing top up will have to be from you?

There sounds like a lot of reasons you could and should end it, they're not trivial ones. You deserve a life where you feel happy and safe x

I can understand this uncertainty about future and day to day life impact

Just to give you a perspective, none of the things you’ve mentioned- infidelity, compulsive spending or reckless behaviour regarding his job- none of this is trivial. Each of these are 100% a valid reason to leave a relationship.

DH enjoying life

OP how are you ? Have you had time to think clearly.?

It's not trivial for a partner to throw in multiple jobs (or get booted) in a year and make big stupid purchases without agreement. Or to cheat on you, or give the silent treatment for a month, or shout you down, or probably any of the other things you haven't yet disclosed.

Do you really want you spend your old age with this bloke? Would he look after you kindly and patiently if your health deteriorates in future and you need care? Would you want to end up caring for him with all that entails if his health deteriorates?

Divorce him.

Get a nice little calm place of your own, and plan a nice retirement for yourself.

Thank you. I don’t honestly know - one minute I feel like I need to prioritise my kids and parents and just suck it up. The next I’m grieving. And then I’m angry. I’m hoping that time brings clarity and perspective. Meantime I have my stinky dog 🤣

'one minute I feel like I need to prioritise my kids and parents and just suck it up.'

It's time to prioritise yourself. You sound like you've been keeping everything going on your own for far too long now. 🫂

Is it prioritising your kids if your dh pisses away the retirement fund and their inheritance?

Get financial and legal advice (on your own!)
Find out what the financial future looks like with and without him.
Then decide if anything is worth staying with a man who abuses you in this way. (The silent treatment is abusive.)
And maybe get counselling and try and figure out why you've allowed this man to intimidate you into putting up with his shit for so long.
I'm so glad you've got a smelly dog to hug, OP. I wish I could give you a hug myself.

I think the time has come for you to say to yourself, ‘Fuck That Shit’.

And then live happily ever after.

Do you love him?

None of what you have described is trivial @Bewildered13 he sounds absolutely awful. I’d divorce him.

what is love in a long term relationship? I adore my kids to bits, I love my parents, I love my friends and I think my dogs are totally the bees knees. He’s part of my history and interwoven into our children’s happiness. It’s messy. I think I’m grieving what marriage should be and remain hopeful that I can turn this around. He says he loves me. Is that enough?

Nope.

How does his love manifest itself?

It's easy to say the words, but love is in actions.

Some people's version of love isn't worth shit.