Feel humiliated at what DH has said to others about me

[StrugglingAlong75]

I've name changed for this.

DH & I have been married 20+ years. We recently had a period of not getting on, during which he had an emotional affair with a work colleague. Their relationship fell apart after he told her he wanted to stay married to me and she turned on him fairly viciously, which was when I found out about it. They are no longer in contact and he has changed job.

He and I both want to stay married if we can make it work, and we are slowly working through the issues with some help from outside resources for couples in our situation.

During this period of us not getting on, he talked at length to numerous other people about how he was unhappy with our marriage. Think The Script. He did this with multiple friends and family members for months before he said anything to me about being unhappy in our relationship, and then continued to talk to them after he'd started talking to me about our relationship. Most of them took the view that he was a badly-treated victim, that I was in the wrong and that he should give me an ultimatum to change things and then leave if I didn't make those changes. Most of these friends/family knew he was friends with the work colleague but were not aware of the real nature of their relationship.

Then the EA fell apart, I found out about it and also found out that he'd been talking to others about our relationship. I asked him not to share with friends any problems he has with me that he's not shared with me first. As far as I'm aware, he's respected that, though I've not tried to "police" his interactions with others in any way. He now spends barely any time talking to friends and family compared with how much he did during the period of us not getting on (his choice - he says he doesn't feel the need to be constantly talking to others now, and has reverted to patterns of interaction that he had with people before our rough patch).

I am a very private person and find it really hard that all this information about our marital problems has been shared with other people. For various reasons I haven't yet had any contact since then with the people he talked to, but it is likely to happen sooner or later as some are family members, some are family friends.

My problem is that I feel utterly, utterly humiliated by the things he was discussing with them and the details of our relationship that he shared. I feel so humiliated that I can't face even being in the same place as these people, let alone talking to them, knowing all the negative things he said about me to them. How do I be polite and get on with these people, knowing they probably still see me as the problem and him as the victim in a dysfunctional marriage? I doubt very much that he's told them that actually he was having an emotional affair when he was moaning to them about my supposed lack of effort in the marriage. My guess is that they think I responded positively to his ultimatum of "change or I leave", and that that is why he's no longer complaining about me to them.

How do I move past these feelings of humiliation?

Edit for typo

How do you know what he said, what they think and which ones he spoke to?

Make him tell them the truth! I wouldn’t just crack on and hang out with his family and friends knowing he had told them a pack of lies to cover an emotional affair….

This is on him to fix. He needs to tell them the truth.

Otherwise he is a coward and who wants to be with a coward who doesn’t give a shit about his wife’s feelings.

If he tells people the truth, they’ll just think you’ve made him lie.

Not sure how you can move forward. I think this is going to be the issue that
destroys the remains of your marriage tbh.

Make sure you have support around you, tell them the truth of what has happened.

He told me. He's also shown me some messages from them (eg a family member advising him to leave, a friend referring to our dysfunctional family life, another friend telling him he should have a clear conscience because he'd tried his best to make things work between us).

Do you really want to be with him after that?

I would feel the same as you OP, it's a very difficult one and coupled with the affair I am not sure how you move past it.

Was there any elements of truth to what he said or was it outright lies?

The reality is that your marriage was in a bad place and it caused emotional distance between you. I dont think it is healthy or wise to pretend he didnt mean the things he said and I think it's fine to vent to your friends and family about any aspect of your life.

There is hope and a way forwards, but you can't deny where you have been.

1 think its up to him to decide how he can support you in this. He blabbed, gave a very distorted view of what was happening, and he needs to explain himself to them and to you.

It seems like he has delibratly made family and friends believe that you were the cause of the marriage problems when infact, he has caused an even bigger problem by having an affair.

It is up to you if you feel you can trust him again, despite the fact he has offloaded a lot of extremly personal information to others because he did not have the balls to speak to you.

This can cause the more ignorant people to treat you badly and with disdain, when it is his fault for having an affair and then broadcasting your marriage problems to family and friends.

You need to decide if you can trust him again and if what is left of the marriage is worth saving.

You also need to let him know that he is responsible for any prejudice you recieve as a result of his big mouth as he needs to carry the shame and not you.

Also remember, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, it is not just up to you alone to put this right.

This really looks unsalvageable to me.

My exH cheated on me, and as if that wasn't bad enough, told all sorts of lies about me and revealed private information about our marriage to the OW and other people at his workplace.
It made me feel violated and humiliated.
Divorce was the only answer and separating from him as quickly as possible.

I would suggest you do the same OP. Sorry x

Do your "outside resources for couples" include couples counseling, or can you access that? This situation seems like a good thing to discuss in that kind of setting to help him tell you clearly whatever you feel you need to know about what's been said, you to decide what would need to happen to make you feel comfortable/normal, and him to understand and be held accountable for doing what's needed, if anything. Don't take all of this on yourself; he created this problem and he should be doing a large share of solving it. Rebuilding trust when cheating is really hard work for both people; don't be afraid or ashamed to take your time figuring out what you need, and to ask for it and make sure you get it once you know what it is.

I'd be inclined to say cut most of these people out completely if you don't have your own meaningful relationships with them and if it turns out that they were willing to believe the worst of you based on someone else's word. He can either distance himself from them or see them on his own if there's no way for him to correct the misinformation he has given them.

firstly you shouldn't feel ashamed, If he has been giving a false representation of your relationship to people then he should be the one who makes the effort to set this straight. What he did was wrong and I'd also urge you to stop trying to justify you asking him to stop oversharing. You aren't being unreasonable for asking him to respect your privacy as a unit.

On the other side I would try not to worry about their opinions. People are usually more discerning than you realise, they might be making all the right noises of support to his face but thinking - I know you are a lazy prick and probably half the problem.
If they are so easily swayed on their opinion of you and not willing to give you the benefit of the doubt then they are the type of people who were never going to be won over anyway

if no one is asking how you both are doing,the likelihood is they are not really bothered...You know the truth so hold your head up high and if you are both happy then move on,however if it remains a problem for you ask him to explain to friends and family what happened and outcome ye both agreed to (if they ask)Emotional affairs happen when communication is poor with a OH,and everyone advises you speak to friends /family when your not happy,that's exactly what he did...but ye have overcome this,so move on.you don't need to explain to anyone.people can see ye are happy again,they probably don't give it much taught..

So there are 2 ‘crimes’ then - having an emotional affair (was it really ‘emotional’? Also, what a coincidence you had a period of ‘not getting on’ at exactly the time his head was turned - almost like the one caused the other) and secondly, lying about you (aka preparing his story as ‘the victim’).
He has allegedly fixed the first crime, although I suspect you would never have found out had not the spurned lover forced his hand. What has he done to put the second right? He wants to set the record straight doesn’t he? He wouldn’t expect you to carry on in this marriage when all friends and family believe a lie about you? That would hardly scream undying love for you would it? Ask him what he intends to do to put it right.

It's another betrayal isn't it, on top of the emotional affair. I think I would expect him to go back and tell them that he hadn't been entirely honest with them and that he'd been having an affair at the time you were going through this (is the emotional part supposed to make it better? It doesn't imo.)

I think ultimately it's going to be difficult to move past any of it without some good couples therapy though.

I don't see how you get past this double betrayal.OP..

Justifying his affair with his colleague by blackening your name to friends and family is absolutely the epitome of self interest and hateful behaviour towards you.

Either he bends over backwards to convince these people that what he said was to justify his affair and not true or else you are better to end the marriage now. I feel quite angry on your behalf that you are the one feeling humiliated when he is the one who betrayed his marriage vows.

Why you want to remain married to a man who has proved himself to be a snake is a mystery to me.

I don't think he lied to people about our problems as such. I think he just gave the impression that I was at fault and not him/both of us. I don't think it was until the relationship with his colleague had ended that he had any real understanding of how involved he'd become with his colleague. When they first fell out and I found out about it, he offered to let me read all their messages, telling me that I'd be able to see them was nothing inappropriate there. For various reasons I didn't look at the messages then, and only did so maybe a week later - and it was immediately obvious that it was really inappropriate (not sexual or flirting, but really over-involved/enmeshed).

He has told his friends who I have the closest relationship with about the emotional affair and they have been very supportive and impartial even though they know him a lot better than they know me.

Why do you have to see any of them again? I wouldn’t want anything to do with anyone who spoke about me like that and I’d make sure they knew why.
They are his friends and on his side so he can spend time with them and his family on his own.

He has made things awkward not you.

I have no idea what he's said to others since it all came out. I should probably ask!

The last sentence is all you need OP. And his reply to this will tell you very quickly wheter you stay with him or leave him.

Why is he showing you these messages and telling you what he said? Is it because he is trying to convince you that the situation he described to friends and family was in fact real - ie, he is still trying to put the blame on you, and putting his ea to one side? If he is, I think there is no hope for you to be happy with him

The only thing you can do is LTB. Seriously he’s completely humiliated you and you want to stay with him? Have some self respect.

That's awful but I bet a lot of them were smelling a rat at the time if it was extreme stuff he was saying.
It's normal to complain to friends and family about a spouse, whatever the reason behind it. Within reason obviously.
If you can't get past it, it's going to be hard to stay together even if you're over the affair itself. I can see why it would feel shaming. Entirely his fault. Also he shouldn't have told you about what they said. He's broken their confidence as well as yours by showing you the messages.

And him telling you he feels no need to speak to his friends and family as much anymore.
I am sorry, but what a twat he is. Of course he doesn’t. He has off loaded his crap and let you take the blame. Now you are back, and it doesn’t even seem to occur to you that this is his shit to fix and not yours. His life remains basically the same.

Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.