Feel humiliated at what DH has said to others about me

[StrugglingAlong75]

I've name changed for this.

DH & I have been married 20+ years. We recently had a period of not getting on, during which he had an emotional affair with a work colleague. Their relationship fell apart after he told her he wanted to stay married to me and she turned on him fairly viciously, which was when I found out about it. They are no longer in contact and he has changed job.

He and I both want to stay married if we can make it work, and we are slowly working through the issues with some help from outside resources for couples in our situation.

During this period of us not getting on, he talked at length to numerous other people about how he was unhappy with our marriage. Think The Script. He did this with multiple friends and family members for months before he said anything to me about being unhappy in our relationship, and then continued to talk to them after he'd started talking to me about our relationship. Most of them took the view that he was a badly-treated victim, that I was in the wrong and that he should give me an ultimatum to change things and then leave if I didn't make those changes. Most of these friends/family knew he was friends with the work colleague but were not aware of the real nature of their relationship.

Then the EA fell apart, I found out about it and also found out that he'd been talking to others about our relationship. I asked him not to share with friends any problems he has with me that he's not shared with me first. As far as I'm aware, he's respected that, though I've not tried to "police" his interactions with others in any way. He now spends barely any time talking to friends and family compared with how much he did during the period of us not getting on (his choice - he says he doesn't feel the need to be constantly talking to others now, and has reverted to patterns of interaction that he had with people before our rough patch).

I am a very private person and find it really hard that all this information about our marital problems has been shared with other people. For various reasons I haven't yet had any contact since then with the people he talked to, but it is likely to happen sooner or later as some are family members, some are family friends.

My problem is that I feel utterly, utterly humiliated by the things he was discussing with them and the details of our relationship that he shared. I feel so humiliated that I can't face even being in the same place as these people, let alone talking to them, knowing all the negative things he said about me to them. How do I be polite and get on with these people, knowing they probably still see me as the problem and him as the victim in a dysfunctional marriage? I doubt very much that he's told them that actually he was having an emotional affair when he was moaning to them about my supposed lack of effort in the marriage. My guess is that they think I responded positively to his ultimatum of "change or I leave", and that that is why he's no longer complaining about me to them.

How do I move past these feelings of humiliation?

Edit for typo

If my friend or family member sent me a card to tell me that I’d think they were a bit odd- and I’d feel a very uncomfortable. if they have something very personal to tell me, do it face to face or on the phone. I’d find it uncomfortable to be put back in the middle of your relationship difficulties by having one partner self-flagellating all their wrongs in writing, like sort of formal notification thst I had to know what they had done- like some sort of public trial. Is OP going to do the same in the interest of fairness/truth (because if she doesn’t, he is now taking all the blame for their relationship difficulties which isn’t accurate)?

I also think it is ok to vent/moan to a close friend or family member about marriage difficulties. I think most people in the middle of this type of difficulty are not very good at stepping back and be perfectly unbiased, able to very fairly identify the balance of fault/wrong-doing- we do present it from our perspective and I think most people understand that. I honestly think OP is over thinking the whole thing.

@Waytoohothot "people have emitional affairs because their emotional needs are not being met".

If that is true then the first person to raise the issue with should be the spouse. Maybe the husband should be able to articulate his needs better ? Why just jump to the conclusion that the wife isn't listening ?

There are too many assumptions in your post.

The bigger question is why would you want to still be with him after doing that?

Op when people have relationship issues they talk to people - that’s life- I have opinions on my friends’ partners and they’ll have judged the shit out of my dh in the same way his friends will think I’m a b and he thinks his friends have been hard done by too. Of course his friends and family will believe his version and of course they’ll take his side. If you’re going to stay with him that’s one of the irritating things you’ll have to accept

Are you having counselling? I would discuss it there and try and jointly find a way forward on this issue with the expert in the room. Good luck op. It sounds tough.

I thought you were unreasonable expecting him to not be able to talk to family and friends when he needs advice and emotional support. This comment changes my opinion, he is bringing them into your relationship, it's like he's using them and their opinions to influence you. Like having back up to make you think you're the problem. Possibly even a part of coercive control, I've seen a man use this tactic to abuse a woman.

JLou08

I thought you were unreasonable expecting him to not be able to talk to family and friends when he needs advice and emotional support. This comment changes my opinion, he is bringing them into your relationship, it's like he's using them and their opinions to influence you. Like having back up to make you think you're the problem. Possibly even a part of coercive control, I've seen a man use this tactic to abuse a woman.

When couples start trusting/ liking each other again they tell each other things that happened when they weren’t getting on, it’s more likely he’s doing this than trying to manipulate everything

wow where did that come from?

They’re questions, not statements

Thanks for all the helpful comments and especially to those who shared their personal experiences.

I have found a couples' counsellor I like, but money is tight at the moment so on his advice, we're doing his DIY affair repair programme and then will see if we can manage any proper sessions to deal with other issues arising. I'm clear that we need to work out how to build a new and different relationship, ot just shuffle this under the carpet.

We've had far more than our fair share of challenges over the years and it's clear in hindsight that neither of us had the tools to be able to meet those challenges as a proper team. From DH's point of view, I have been prioritising the DC and failing to give him time or attention. From my point of view, I have been generally struggling with life and stuck in survival mode from day to day, and simply unable to give any more.

I don't think he should be unable to talk to his friends & family about things. But I don't think it's right to spend months discussing the issue of "should I leave my wife?" with friends when your wife has absolutely no idea there's anything wrong because you've not ever told her about being unhappy - so she's had no opportunityto work on things being different. And obviously getting over-involved emotionally with a work colleague is even less okay. Because I'm a really private person, it's almost physically painful to think of what I see as our private business being discussed by others. DH is generally an over-sharer about everything, which has caused upset with the DC in the past.

Yes, that's spot on about him telling me things about what happened dduring the rough patch because we are now getting on better than we were. Him showing me messages etc has been in this spirit and definitely not a power play.

Maybe 3 weeks before the EA fell apart he wrote me an email telling me the things he was unhappy about in our marriage, that he couldn't go on like this and that "people close to him" agreed that it was serious and that I was at fault. That was the first I knew of any particular problems, though it had been clear from his bad mood and withdrawal from family life that things weren't operating as they should.

He later told me that he had told some friends that he was going to send the email and had got several others to read it through before he sent it. I think his intention was to make sure he was being reasonable in what he said. But it meant that even before I found out about the EA, I discovered that all these other people had been advising him about whether or not he should leave me, when I knew absolutely nothing about any concerns he had.

Sorry @StrugglingAlong75 he sounds a right arse and I'd be asking myself how much effort and time I wated to put in to saving the marraige. He’s highly selective as an over-sharer, perfectly hapnpy to broadcast your shortcomings while hiding his own, let alone not telling you he's supposedly unhappy. He's clearly not got your back. I suspect part of the reason he has distanced himself from most of his friends and family is that he lacks the backbone to defend you and doesn't want to admit to his own behaviour or his emotional affair when they inevitably start criticising you. I've worded this quite clumsily but hopefully it makes sense.

From DH's point of view, I have been prioritising the DC and failing to give him time or attention

Don’t fall for that crap OP. Of course you prioritise your DC.
He sounds like a covert narcissist. Don’t go to couples counselling with him, he’ll twist everything

I can't believe the number of replies asking OP what she did wrong and excusing the H for seeking refuge with friends and an an affair partner!

friend telling him he should have a clear conscience because he'd tried his best to make things work between us

He tried his best by cheating? Come on.

The reason he's pared back contact with everyone is that he's lied to all of them, too. There is no sensible way to answer concerned queries about his home life unless he's got the massive emotional depth and integrity to say "I misrepresented my wife because I was having an affair and told myself it was her fault. It was really unfair of me and I created an embarrassing situation with all of you. I'm sorry I did that."

He's already shown he doesn't have this integrity. When he's ready to repair his relationships, he'll have to make up a whole load more bullshit about how you've changed, etc - and he'll need you to collude in that, painting yourself as a remorseful harridan.

Since you asked for our stories: My ex went away for several weeks while we were separating. He told me that all his friends had urged him to put his much-loved vehicle into storage, as the wife he'd described to them would vandalise it as soon as his back was turned. He said I wouldn't do anything like that - and they were mystified. I honestly felt he expected me to be grateful that he did know who I really was! But of course he always knew: he'd deliberately chosen to lie about me, piling fiction on fiction, because it was convenient for him.

Like others, I don't see how you can come back from this. Not least because, as you rebuild, he will want you to to play the role he's created for you. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, but if my DH did this to me, I would make his wish come true and leave him.
He has completely controlled the narrative and by emailing you like he did, blindsided you with something that all his friends and family had already been told.
Not acceptable behaviour and not true.
Why would you want to be with someone who would treat you like that?

Are you able to give some examples of things he told his family and friends about you so we can understand the situation a little bit better? It seems so strange to me that telling people you prioritise your DC and aren't giving him attention would prompt them to say he should leave you. Any normal person would say to speak to you about it and that you're probably exhausted. There must be a lot more to what he said to prompt their reactions?

Similarly can you give some examples of things he said to his emotional affair partner? If he truly thought the messages were innocent and you'd be happy to read them there's a big disconnect there also. I definitely believe you by the way and the other woman's reaction proves you're right I just don't get why he was thinking the messages were ok. I guess he's painted himself as the victim so much that he just can't see the situation any other way?

This sounds awful and like he was potentially ‘feathering his own nest’ just in case you ended up splitting. The period of not getting on coincides with his affair so it almost feels like he contrived the whole thing - I can totally see why you’d feel it is unjust and unfair. Maybe you could try to talk to some of the people he spoke to to set the record straight, (if you’re going to attempt to make it work) but it sounds like you would also benefit from some serious counselling too x

I think he was setting the scene so if he left you for this woman, he wouldn't suffer social consequences from the people he valued. He wouldn't be the Bad Guy, you'd be the one who drove him to it.

I don't think it's a separate betrayal, I think it's the same betrayal.

I think this is something that cannot be fixed without drawing a lot more attention to it. So for that reason and given you have decided to work on the marriage i’d leave it. It cant be undone. I appreciate that is very unfair. BUT…..

Give people some credit, in reality noone is that invested or interested in someone else’s relationship issues. they may be polite or reply to someone what they want someone to hear but the reality is that they turned to their partner and said ‘theres more to this then meets the eye, this doesnt sound like X at all’.

The best way to unpick someone’s narrative is to not try too hard. Turn up to that family gathering and be your usual badass charming friendly self and join in. That will sow the seed of doubt in the story they have been sold more then anything else you can do. And this will blow over.

But you do need this additional pain acknowledged by DH.

@StrugglingAlong75 some of the comments on here are absolute nonsense. Of course he shouldn’t be going to multiple friends and family and moaning about the state of your marriage to feather his nest for his affair partner. It’s a shockingly manipulative and shady thing to do. He literally destroyed the walls around your marriage by doing this and made your personal relationship the subject of gossip and his narrative driving. And he needs to declare this to these friends and family for you to truly feel safe with him.

But I am really concerned that you believe in some way it was the state if your marriage (which sounds pretty bulk standard fwiw) for what he did. Blaming the marriage for the affair is a very dangerous thing to do. Can you just clarify where you are at on your reconciliation journey?

During this period of us not getting on, he talked at length to numerous other people about how he was unhappy with our marriage. Think The Script. He did this with multiple friends and family members for months before he said anything to me about being unhappy in our relationship, and then continued to talk to them after he'd started talking to me about our relationship. Most of them took the view that he was a badly-treated victim, that I was in the wrong and that he should give me an ultimatum to change things and then leave if I didn't make those changes. Most of these friends/family knew he was friends with the work colleague but were not aware of the real nature of their relationship

How do you know this?

For him to keep saying this to multiple other people, he must really not like you. There is no moving forward with this, you need to break up. Let him be happy and more importantly you deserve better than this. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences. He cannot keep saying these things about you yet stay with you.

I agree with this tbh. Plus I also think friends and family who are sounding boards aren’t stupid enough not to realise they’re only getting a one sided view. A relationship takes two people, it’s not a monologue, but a person is always free to share their own feelings with whom they choose.

Personally when people say “I’m a private person” I see that as a form of control.

That you have brought your marriage back from a bad place together is a thing to be proud of. You have nothing to be ashamed of seeing these people. Unless they ask you directly or you want to tell them yourself, your side of the story is not their business.

I’m sorry he’s done this. it’s totally understandable that you feel humiliated and betrayed.

He’s your husband who is meant to be on your side and he has shown the exact opposite.

Someone asked me when ex’D’H and I were on a ‘trial separation’ (aka he was an abusive shit and this was another way of controlling me and I had no self esteem / confidence or anything at that point):

Why do you actually want to make it work?
What do you get from the marriage?