Feel humiliated at what DH has said to others about me

[StrugglingAlong75]

I've name changed for this.

DH & I have been married 20+ years. We recently had a period of not getting on, during which he had an emotional affair with a work colleague. Their relationship fell apart after he told her he wanted to stay married to me and she turned on him fairly viciously, which was when I found out about it. They are no longer in contact and he has changed job.

He and I both want to stay married if we can make it work, and we are slowly working through the issues with some help from outside resources for couples in our situation.

During this period of us not getting on, he talked at length to numerous other people about how he was unhappy with our marriage. Think The Script. He did this with multiple friends and family members for months before he said anything to me about being unhappy in our relationship, and then continued to talk to them after he'd started talking to me about our relationship. Most of them took the view that he was a badly-treated victim, that I was in the wrong and that he should give me an ultimatum to change things and then leave if I didn't make those changes. Most of these friends/family knew he was friends with the work colleague but were not aware of the real nature of their relationship.

Then the EA fell apart, I found out about it and also found out that he'd been talking to others about our relationship. I asked him not to share with friends any problems he has with me that he's not shared with me first. As far as I'm aware, he's respected that, though I've not tried to "police" his interactions with others in any way. He now spends barely any time talking to friends and family compared with how much he did during the period of us not getting on (his choice - he says he doesn't feel the need to be constantly talking to others now, and has reverted to patterns of interaction that he had with people before our rough patch).

I am a very private person and find it really hard that all this information about our marital problems has been shared with other people. For various reasons I haven't yet had any contact since then with the people he talked to, but it is likely to happen sooner or later as some are family members, some are family friends.

My problem is that I feel utterly, utterly humiliated by the things he was discussing with them and the details of our relationship that he shared. I feel so humiliated that I can't face even being in the same place as these people, let alone talking to them, knowing all the negative things he said about me to them. How do I be polite and get on with these people, knowing they probably still see me as the problem and him as the victim in a dysfunctional marriage? I doubt very much that he's told them that actually he was having an emotional affair when he was moaning to them about my supposed lack of effort in the marriage. My guess is that they think I responded positively to his ultimatum of "change or I leave", and that that is why he's no longer complaining about me to them.

How do I move past these feelings of humiliation?

Edit for typo

He disclosed issues which the Op didn’t know about.

Whilst forging an emotional bond with someone else.

Yes, I’d hope his friends realised he was an unreliable source too.

The marriage cannot cause an affair btw. If it did everyone in bad marriages would cheat.

Personality traits and entitlement cause cheats. Him saying you didn’t have enough time for him is him blaming you for his lack of integrity.

How does it even make sense? You caused him to cheat? So you not cuddling him means his only solution is to find emotional kibbles from someone else. Pull the other one - what a crock of shit!

He is still in blame mode. He should be on here posting ‘I’ve fucked up, I’m a cheat who didn’t want to lose my life, how does I fix it?’. But I bet he was snoring his head off last night while you woke early with thoughts of his betrayal being the first thoughts of your waking day.

Did his friends/family know he was cheating?
How old are your kids op?
Hiw did you find out he was cheating?
What books have you read on cheating? (Cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell is worth a read).
Can you afford to divorce?
Why can’t you afford counselling? Is it you can’t afford it or you think the too much money?

Sack any ‘unmet needs’ counsellors you meet. It’s nonsense.

Your need for loyalty hasn’t been met. Your need not to be betrayed by the man you married has not been met. Your need not to be lied to has not been met.

How would you texting sweet nothings to a loyal, honest man tomorrow help your marriage? I mean your needs for honesty and loyalty would be met - does that make it acceptable? No human being will satisfy 100% of our ‘needs’ that’s life and why we have more than one person in it. A spouse who meets 70% is great - it’s just some people believe they deserve 100% from their spouse. It’s rubbish.

He has a but in his fidelity. He is a midlife cliche. Chasing the ladies to get the nice flattering words and the butterflies in the tummy. He’s a middle aged cheat. About as sexy as a portaloo on a Sunday at Glastonbury festival.

What us HE doing to fix this? What can he give up to pay for YOUR counselling (I think you need individual counselling). Can he give up a golf membership? Downgrade his car? Give up his monthly treats? Etc to pay for you to get real support?

I still think he needs to read the book I suggested up thread. A previous poster had a great line to tell his friends and family. Some of them will be aware he was using the script I can spot it a mile off now.

Have you considered they may well be laughing at the middle aged cliche and empathising with you?

Was he actually lying to those people? Perhaps he was giving them “his truth” or perspective? Are you bothered that he discussed personal issues with all and sundry or that he painted you in an unflattering light?

In my life I work on the basis that my marriage and its ups and downs are private and I discuss with no one. Your DH is a dick.

Also at present you are in shock and your emotional state needs calming, you want to ‘get back to normal’ (you won’t ever have your old normal again). If you are lucky you will get a great new normal.

Or In 3-5 years (when many betrayed leave their cheats) you will possibly just see him with pity. I mean who throws away a marriage they want (clearly he wants it as he has stayed and not left for Mrs ego boost) to get texts of sweet nothings from someone. Was she married too? Does he know her? If she worked with him has he changed jobs? If she is married let her husband know and don’t tell your husband you are telling him - you will then know if they are still in contact.

If he doesn’t do everything he can to fix this - you will see him as the loser he really is. You will lose respect for him. His flaws will now be magnified. You will notice the parts that allowed him to lie to get ego boosts. You may notice his desire for praise from strangers or the fact he lies to his boss or his friends. You may see he people pleases rather than saying truthfully how he feels. These parts may have once been overlooked by you but now they will jump out at you.

Once again - what website is he posting for advice on? Are you the only one researching, calling counsellors and trying to fix this mess he created? While he sleeps soundly at night?

I think I would help him draft an email that he can send to his friends setting out the role he played (and is playing) in your marriage. It should explain the EA, how he unfairly characterised you as the problem in the marriage and that he is trying his best to be a better husband.

The reason I suggest this approach is because:

• he clearly likes putting things in writing
• he needs help drafting an email
• it would mean that if you do bump into them they know everything and you are spared the awkwardness
• you can always refer to this email in future when he tries to tell a different story

I would also ask to be BCC into the emails.

Just a thought.

I can completely understand why you feel the bigger part of the betrayal was discussing the state of your marriage with others before discussing it with you. That is truly difficult to accept. You didn't know the extent of the problems largely because he didn't tell you about them. And he didn't tell you about them because he was getting the emotional support from someone else. Now he has done the right thing and laid it out for you. However a lot of damage has been done and it is ok to realise later on that you can't repair that damage even with the best will in the world. What I'm saying is, you can try your best, but you are also allowed to change your mind if you realise it is too tough.
From the family and friends perspective, if a guy came to me with a sob story about his marriage, my first question would be if he'd discussed it with his wife. And my inner question would be, who does he have on the side. Maybe it's time you also became an oversharer and gently tweaked the narrative back in your favour.

This shocked me. I mean, how is this not just plain betrayal and straight up cruel?

He was controlling the narrative. Making sure that if you two broke up he wouldn’t be seen as the bad guy.

to outsiders reading this thread this is so obvious . Non of the nuance matters. He was behaving badly. He was dishonest about this - to you and others. He made up a new narrative that left out his own bad behaviour.

if you stay with him op then match his energy. He is out for himself ! So in future keep something back - just for you. Put you and the kids first and don’t forget how he behaved and what he has shown you what he is capable of.

This is usually the other way around! Wives get together and moan about their husbands, obviously cherry picking what to tell, missing out their bad behaviour, and exaggerating as they go. Then ask for advice and the sisters come to support and back up the complainant. It's just unusual that it's the man who's done it this time.

Is it that the stuff he wrote is factually untrue or has he simply said things from his point or view /perspective. ? Sometimes the truth is not one dimensional or black and white. I know from my own marriage breakdown I’d talk to my friends and give my feelings /interpretations on things and how we’d ended up there, he could do the same and they “stories’ but would different but neither were right /wrong

talking to friends during marriage breakdown is not a crime and most of us do it. Again he’s open you’re private. Neither are wrong ways to handle it - just different

the main things are you’re relationship was breaking down /in trouble before his ‘emotional affair ‘ (whatever that means in reality) so you both need to address those issues openly and honestly if you’re going to move on and be together . Focus on that not what he said during that time or what people may /may not think

Not at all unusual for men to deliver the Script, unfortunately. This entirely predictable exercise in self-justification for atrociously entitled behaviour is a different creature from the everyday whinges and "What to do?" discussions that emerge around the second large glass of wine.

OP's Darling Husband is working his way through the main points quite efficiently. I've copied this list from one of many MN threads (and articles on the wider Web, plus books) on The Script:

I'm not happy, haven't been for a long time

🟩You've let yourself go

🟩You're not the girl I married

🟩You went off sex after having my baby / children

🟩Your body changed after having my baby / children

🟩You've let the house go, it's a tip

🟩We have nothing in common

🟩There's nobody else

🟩All you ever think about is the kids, they take all your time and attention

🟩You expect me to share housework and childcare when I want to cycle / play golf / go to football (add/delete as appropriate)

🟩No, I said there's nobody else

🟩You're making it up / imagining things / crazy

🟩You know what you're like

🟩We don't need a solicitor, we can do it ourselves

🟩Well, you stayed at home doing nothing (creating and nurturing x human beings and our home doesn't count) and I paid the mortgage so you're not entitled to the house, or anything really

🟩We only met recently. After you and I split up. Honest.

🟩You're not getting your hands on the house / my income / my savings / my pension.

🟩I'm having 50/50 with the kids, which I absolutely understand will entail me learning how to look after them and will step up and do it all, yes, definitely.

🟩She's crazy, look what I had to put up with.

🟩You know that 50/50 I was suddenly so insistent on, well I can't have the kids / do the school run / take them to their appointment after all because (insert and delete as appropriate).

🟩Is it too late for us, please can I come back? Her kids are doing my head in.

🟩 Why not? Why would you break up our family?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169069-the-script-what-would-you-add

He has no integrity, no loyalty and no respect.

There's a massive difference between speaking to one friend because he was upset, and slating you to everyone and his dog, without ever having had a conversation with you! That's absolutely disgusting behaviour - a couple in a marriage are supposed to be a unit and he's betrayed the sanctity of that on a huge scale.
I disagree with posters who say he has a right to talk to his friends about you - not when that compromises your own privacy. That's the thing with a marriage - one cannot behave as a single person and just please oneself. The fallout to the other person in the relationship deserves equal consideration, even at times when you aren't getting on!

So he was put out that as a mother your focus was on the children. Look what he did to you because he wasn't the sole focus of your attention! It's not like you gambled away all the family money or slept with his best friend! You were just busy and tired and he's trashes you publicly and cheated on you because of it.
Frankly, you shouldn't want to stay with him.
You also say his big gob oversharing has caused issues for your dc at times. He literally does as he pleases and fuck everyone else's feelings.

Honestly, I think you need counselling to help you recover your self esteem and self respect so you can extricate yourself because you've honestly done nothing terrible here and you didn't deserve what he's done.

Yep this. You said he didn’t lie, just vent and of course that will be distorted as no one portrays themself as the villain.

how much truth, honestly, is there is the things he says he was unhappy with?

This tactic also makes people think badly of you, so when he does leave they say, "well I don't blame him" and the blame is at your door. It also paves the way for the EA to turn into a relationship in my case, as she was there as a friendly ear that turned into more...The predictability is laughable!

As long as you know your truth, fuck what others think of you... My friend said to me those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.. So true!

This is spot on

It's one thing to chat to your friends because you are unhappy in your marriage, getting them to help you draft an email is another level.

I think it would be different if he had confided in a couple of friends about his feelings to try and work through the situation and for support, but it sounds like he was going on the offensive to try and ensure he was perceived as the victim ready for when your relationship ended, so he manipulated your circle into taking his side. He sounds calculating and cruel, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive that.

Manipulating friends and family into thinking you’re the victim when you’re having an affair is wild, and demonstrates his utter contempt for you. He will throw you under the bus again.

Yes but if people have been told she’s abusive then that letter comes across as if she’s forced him to write it. Even the most introverted people can be abusive. You don’t have to be an extrovert to be a nasty person.

He may of felt isolated at the time speaking to those others, if you can slowly work things out then you should try, maybe work on communication together to work through things slowly. People do change so most relationships do need work and commitment

You have understood that he was grooming everyone to support him having an affair because his wife was so awful?

It doesn't sound like he felt at all isolated, and was communicating very fully with many people. Just not the woman raising his kids and running his household; he was busy demonising her instead.

This! His behaviour shows he is happy to lie to his friends too. Assuming he didn’t tell them he’s getting emotional kibbles from Mary.

You clearly aren’t the only one he lies to (the betrayed rarely is).

Look closely at him. Think about the past. Is he a liar?

Lies to boss rather than saying I got up late.
Lies to ‘keep the peace’?
To family? Mates?

I think this is a good question.

If you're hearing only from him that everyone was supportive of him and swallowed his version of events, you are getting his narrative.

As my lecturer for critical thinking used to say, "consider the source".

It is very convenient for him if you to believe that everyone blindly accepted what he was saying about you, because it makes it harder for you to seek support and makes you feel insecure not just about him but about people you value. If you feel like everyone is going to be against you, it makes you feel that much more dependent on him and the relationship enduring than if you felt you would be externally supported. Very handy for him when he's cheated and trying to get you to stay.

Please bear in mind that :
a. He might not be telling the truth about their reactions
b. It may be that people said what they thought he wanted to hear but actually took it with a grain of salt or later on thought "hang on, that doesn't sound like our StrugglingAlong74 at all 🤔".

Although OP says she doesn't think he lied outright, the fact that he created narrative that painted her as the problem and then allowed them to believe the worst of her, is indefensible. If you allow someone to believe something that you know is not true, it is lying by omission.
As it happens, I too am a very private person and although there have been a few times when our marriage has not run smoothly, usually due to life pressures such as illness, bereavement, I would never discuss the state of my marriage with anyone before I discussed it with DH and if I felt the need to talk to someone else, it would have to be someone completely outside my family.or social circle.
The problem with sharing marriage issues with friends and family is that what you say cannot be unsaid. And it will colour their relationship with the non- confider just because " there's no smoke without fire.". For me, that would be a huge problem, another betrayal on top of the EA or whatever.
OP, I truly wish you luck, personally, I would not be able to get over the double betrayal and the effect on my relationships with people who knew, or thought they knew, the ins and outs of my marriage.