Feel humiliated at what DH has said to others about me

[StrugglingAlong75]

I've name changed for this.

DH & I have been married 20+ years. We recently had a period of not getting on, during which he had an emotional affair with a work colleague. Their relationship fell apart after he told her he wanted to stay married to me and she turned on him fairly viciously, which was when I found out about it. They are no longer in contact and he has changed job.

He and I both want to stay married if we can make it work, and we are slowly working through the issues with some help from outside resources for couples in our situation.

During this period of us not getting on, he talked at length to numerous other people about how he was unhappy with our marriage. Think The Script. He did this with multiple friends and family members for months before he said anything to me about being unhappy in our relationship, and then continued to talk to them after he'd started talking to me about our relationship. Most of them took the view that he was a badly-treated victim, that I was in the wrong and that he should give me an ultimatum to change things and then leave if I didn't make those changes. Most of these friends/family knew he was friends with the work colleague but were not aware of the real nature of their relationship.

Then the EA fell apart, I found out about it and also found out that he'd been talking to others about our relationship. I asked him not to share with friends any problems he has with me that he's not shared with me first. As far as I'm aware, he's respected that, though I've not tried to "police" his interactions with others in any way. He now spends barely any time talking to friends and family compared with how much he did during the period of us not getting on (his choice - he says he doesn't feel the need to be constantly talking to others now, and has reverted to patterns of interaction that he had with people before our rough patch).

I am a very private person and find it really hard that all this information about our marital problems has been shared with other people. For various reasons I haven't yet had any contact since then with the people he talked to, but it is likely to happen sooner or later as some are family members, some are family friends.

My problem is that I feel utterly, utterly humiliated by the things he was discussing with them and the details of our relationship that he shared. I feel so humiliated that I can't face even being in the same place as these people, let alone talking to them, knowing all the negative things he said about me to them. How do I be polite and get on with these people, knowing they probably still see me as the problem and him as the victim in a dysfunctional marriage? I doubt very much that he's told them that actually he was having an emotional affair when he was moaning to them about my supposed lack of effort in the marriage. My guess is that they think I responded positively to his ultimatum of "change or I leave", and that that is why he's no longer complaining about me to them.

How do I move past these feelings of humiliation?

Edit for typo

Wow he's disloyal on every front isn't he?

I'm not sure I could forgive or forget an EA and slagging you off on top? Fuck that.
As a PP says funny how you two weren't getting along right around the time he had his EA. 🙄
Fuck him and his flying monkeys OP. How dare he land all this on your toes and make himself out to be the victim.

Either he cleans up his mess properly or you should be showing him the door.

How close are you to these people and can you avoid seeing them? xx

I don’t think everyone else knew about his relationship with the other woman - that would colour their view. And the OP seems quite a quiet introverted person - would she really be an evil bitch of a wife then stand over him to write this letter -that seems far fetched and would to the friends imv

I don’t think I could get past this. I’m also a very private person, and trash talking like this would feel like a bigger betrayal than the EA. I’m not saying that’s reasonable or rational but it is how I’d feel.

I’m sorry that’s not more helpful,

Sounds like he was unhappy and discussed it with other people, why is this different to what women do all the time when they tell their friends all about what a shit their husband is. It’s just venting. I bet you’ve said worse about him to your friends before and since you found out what was going on.

I am not sure if this is a cleanable mess. For me it wouldn't be. For me this would go so far beyond the line that the line would be invisisble in the far distance. I think I could get past an EA but blackening the OP to people she knows, that's not forgiveable.

I would say that it's a bit more than that... "He told me. He's also shown me some messages from them (eg a family member advising him to leave, a friend referring to our dysfunctional family life, another friend telling him he should have a clear conscience because he'd tried his best to make things work between us)."

Or did him getting limerant and moony over another woman cause him to behave differently at home? Did his poor behaviour create distance in the marriage as he rewrote the history of the marriage to justify him being YET ANOTHER cheaty middle aged cliche with a balding noggin?

This distance, created by Mr Cheaty, was then discussed with friends to ensure our limerant hero remained a good guy who only cheated due to his nasty, ‘controlling’ wife, who he had never really loved.

Basically was it the chicken or the egg that came first?

It’s hard for the average person to become a good liar overnight and look their spouse in the eye and lie to their loved ones day after day - knowing lies are wrong. So . They have to convince themselves it is justified - which means rewriting history rather than admitting they are a ten a penny cheat.

Aka The Script .

If you were really unhappy surely you would leave with your integrity intact? So when you are asked by a lovely lady on a date ‘did you ever cheat on your ex wife’ you are not faced with

A) lying and starting a new relationship on a lie with the chance you will be found out later. Destroying your nice guy persona.

b) telling the truth and accepting you can only date women who are okay dating men who cheated on their wife. This will narrow his dating pool as some women will not date cheats/liars. (I would exit the date immediately as life is just too short to spend time with a man with such different values).

I think he needs to read the book ‘Not just friends’ by Glass. Then come to you with a suggestion in how he will fix this. Maybe by giving his relatives a copy of the book, saying he really fucked up and pointing out the sections which highlight what mistakes he made and how he rewrote history to justify it.

But the fact is you are on here worrying, why worrying is he doing? What research is he doing? Etc

It’s just such an odd thing to write. Who would write something like that.

I’m not sure I fully understand. If you don’t know whay he’s told them how do you feel humiliated by it? It could just have been factual?

I think we should all teach our children that loose lips sink ships - no fucking need to discuss it with real life people - there are wonderful forums, like MN, where people can talk anonymously. If no desire to talk on forums, then maybe a psychologist? But don't talk to real life people - friends, parents, colleagues. They won't be able to help anyway, just meddle or even gloat? I.e. 'i told you'.

Leave this man. You’re humiliating yourself by staying. He’ll do it again.

It absolutely wasn't factual, just a boring part of The Script. As others have said, please look back and work out when your marriage started to have issues. Was it perchance when he first noticed the OW? Again, the lies he has told other people are part of this - he was convincing himself as much as them that he had a bad marriage, and therefore looking elsewhere was justified. Every time a friend told him 'you've tried; you should get out' it gave him a pat on the back and allowed him to rationalise behaviour that deep down he knew was wrong.

He might be showing you these messages in a spirit of openness, but it is now up to him to make things right. He needs to work through a list of people he chatted shit to and tell them he lied about you.

I think there are two things to consider - what he said about you and what your relationship was like with these people beforehand.

Generally speaking if your relationship with his friends and family was ok and his complaints about you were the generic always moaning / criticising me, takes me for granted type of thing then I suspect they would just be saying what they thought he wanted to hear and they probably think it was exactly what it was, a rough patch where there are two sides to every story.

However, if he has told them things that are not true ie. you had an affair, spent all his money, emotionally abused him etc then he needs to set the record straight.

Of course if the friends and family have always disliked you then it doesn’t make any difference as they’d always think the worst of you and in that instance I’d just limit my time with them.

They were lies. You need to change those feeling of humiliation into what they should be. Furious rage. He told bare-faced lies to everybody. Go round the whole lot of them and tell them what he was really doing instead.

By the way, I don't think your relationship can ever recover from this betrayal. To be honest, I think it is far worse than the EA.

What now, she doesn’t know what he said, so how do you know they were lies, even she thinks they were not.

I was in your situation over 20 years ago, but his affair wasn't just emotional. It was actually encouraged by his mother and sister, based on how I was such a terrible person. Of course all of the stories shared were one-sided.
I felt like you do, knowing that everyone he worked with knew of the affair, his family knew and encouraged it, his family's friends knew of it and the reasons why (again, because I was such a terrible person!).
Believe it or not, we are still together, over 30 years now. He moved on to a new job, his parents passed away, and we kept distance from his sister and their family friends for many years. I wish I could say that he openly repented to all of these people, but I don't think he did. I just chose to focus on my marriage and the well-being of my children. It took many, many years for him to understand my hurt but ultimately I think that we've done the right thing staying together.
Good luck to you.

It wouldn't be cleanable for me either.

The betrayal of an EA and then slagging her off on top? Death knell.

OP I think talking to. him about it and asking what he's told these people since is good. I'm spilt on whether you should ask him to correct the impression he gave them (as PP said, it might come across as less believable and forced if it's just before you all meet up). But on a more generally level, as an approach that will work regardless of what he's said - can you cultivate a more secure belief in yourself?

By this I mean not caring what they think. Ask yourself what does it matter to you what these people think? You clearly rarely see them, they are not your friends. they obviously don't really know you. Any judgement they do hold (also remember, lots of friends and family say supportive things even when they don't really think them) is fallacious because they've not heard your side of it and, in any case, so what? You can think whatever you like about other people but if you aren't saying or doing anything to them it has no real impact on them.

So think of yourself, remember that you've acted with integrity despite your DH's actions, that their opinions, good or bad, are based on lies, and hold your head up.

Look down on them a bit for falling for his narrative if it helps. Though I think that's not really in the spirit of believing in yourself, does less for you over all in terms of developing a strong sense of self and may hurt reconciliation in the longer term, but it might be a first step that helps if you find it difficult to just accept how things are straight off the bat.

If someone actually says something to you (or there are pointed looks or frostiness) then I think that's a bit different and is worth having a line or two in your back pocket along the lines of, "DH said he'd talked to some of you about our marriage, but I think it was probably quite one sided."

Here’s my suggestion- having been in a somewhat similar situation- you get some couples therapy with someone who works to calm the nervous system. You repair your communication and make promises to each other.
You work on your marriage. It will be a new marriage after such a lot of upheaval. And it might be a better one.
Also (and I mean this really kindly) although it maybe hard try to care less about what people think. What really matters is you and your husband and your relationship.

He's a shit. That's another betrayal.

theres 2 separate things here and you’re trying to connect them

Surely you know if you have not been putting effort into your relationship? And you know if you’ve done things that are unacceptable?
are you ashamed because these things are really horrid/ aggressive/ manipulative? Have you lied or wracked-up debt?

his EA.

how bad are the things you’ve done?

do you seek for their seriousness to be lessened because he had an EA?

Are you annoyed people have heard “the truth” about your character.
you need to be accountable for you’re actions. He needs to be accountable for his.

stop controlling the narrative.

Sadly, I agree with this assessment.

You and your spouse are supposed to be a team, pulling together amd having eavh othrts' back.

Telling people outside the marriage that your spouse is behaving badly - especially when it is you who is behaving badly - is quite the betrayal.

And he has poisoned these relationships because there is no way you can put them right that isn't awkward; and you'll always wonder whether they believed you.

If you do split, then you can tell them that your marriage never survived his affair (although he will.liecabout that, too - it is an integral.part of The Scrip that the wife was at fault).

Sorry.

You tell them he had an affair and tried to paint you as the bad guy to justify it

Firstly people dont care they really dont and its good he had a space to talk, it sounds like you find it difficult to communicate with him and maybe by talking to another woman he was being heard, if you want to stay married you maybe need to work on being able to be more open , people have emitional affairs because their emotional needs are not being met