Unreasonable to feel uneasy about staying with new partner's friends?

[Seajaye]

How do you feel being invited by a new partner to stay with his friends ( another couple,) whom you've never met before.

I'm uncomfortable with doing this because I don't really enjoy staying in other people's homes, and certainly not more than a night, I need to be good friends with them first , I have dietary requirements so I like to take stuff with me and for them to be comfortable with making own breakfast etc, and finally new partner seems to have habit of freeloading no matter how inconvenient, and as far as I'm aware has never made a reciprocal invitation ever I.e before I knew him, for his friends to come and stay with him

I have made two suggestions which haven't gone down that well

1. He invites his friends to stay with him so I can meet them first.
2. We stay in self catering accommodation close to where his friends live and meet his friends for meal out or a day out somewhere together but do our own thing most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think you are unreasonable staying with someone who is tight fisted. It never gets better.

I would be much more comfortable with your 2nd suggestion than his suggestion to stay with them. Tbh if he’s tight about stuff like this I’d question whether the relationship going to survive anyway? Your comfort and peace of mind are worth the cost of an air bnb for the night.

Can you explain more of this freeloading?

Or do you just feel uncomfortable with the fact that this is a norm in his social circle?

No of course you aren’t. Why are you with a freeloader though?

The history of freeloading would not go down well with me!

Why on earth are you partnering up with someone you is an inconsiderate freeloader? What about that seems like good partnership material?

I’m thinking the same

@Seajaye enlighten us….

Why do you have need of a stingy man?

I wouldn’t mind staying with a partners friends, I would mind being with a freeloader. We all have different boundaries I guess

Just that he has mentioned several.times that he has several friends who live abroad who would offer free accommodation if we were to visit. I don't mind sharing holiday costs but don't want to stay with his friends and be restricted as to what I can do. I don't think his friends are in a different social circle.

Okay that isnt freeloading.

Have you explained to him about feeling uncomfortable? If so, is he not listening to you? So early in the relationship that would make me wonder if it was going to go anywhere long term.

I think you are being unreasonable - what he has suggested is just normal adult socialising. You could ask for their phone numbers and call to discuss your diet needs ahead of time, a perfect ice breaker.

You can learn lots about someone by the type of friends they keep.

If he has been offered a chance to go abroad and stay with friends, the evidently like his company. I would not call that freeloading, that sounds like a solid relationship with friends.

It’s not freeloading to stay with friends. I certainly don’t consider having my friends to stay cheeky. It’s an opportunity to spend more time together. Bringing your preferred breakfast would be fine. It’s all part of getting to know them (and your partner).

But if you already view him as a freeloader then maybe you aren’t that keen on him. No point forcing a relationship if it doesn’t work for you.

Yes, I don't see this as freeloading either. I have close friends abroad who would love to have me (and my partner) come to stay. Just as I would if they were to come to my town. And, yes, we/they would take that into account when considering whether we could afford a holiday, but it is entirely reciprocal, and we would obviously be generous and considerate guests when we are there. Also, we would often go to visit some friends. This sounds more like a different social culture (perhaps warmer and more intimate) than freeloading.

Well several people have made have a point there.. why am I with him.?

I have been on own for 8 years. He does provide companionship for outings etc. I'm.just uncomfortable with the suggestion of going to stay with his friends . I doubt I would ever invite him to spend much time with my friends, let alone go and stay with them.

I' d rather he had more generous nature, but he is simply very cautious with his money as he grew up with very little. Careful rather than out and out stingy. I've known him for over 40 years although not seen much of each other for about 20 of those years when we were married to other people and had young families. We met up by accident after many years when we were both coincidentally working in the same town. He has had a reasonable successful career , owns a £800k + house, but drives an old car.. He's only comfortably off because he spends the bare minimum, e.g only ever orders one course and maybe one side, never tips. Asks for tap water, Buys reduced price supermarket flowers. That type of thing..

The bills for our iutings are split or taken in turns. He keeps notes of what he spends 'to keep it fair' in his words.

So it's never going to be a living together relationship and I'm not sure about the suggested stay to visit his friends, or indeed whether I want this type of relationship with him. I don't want to hurt his feelings , as he is lonely, more so than me, but clearly his idea of the future of our relationship it's not what I really want.

If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. Perhaps staying elsewhere and visiting their house in the day js a good compromise, then next time you could stay with them. I don’t think staying with friends abroad js freeloading, assuming they’ve made a genuine offer! Him being so unnecessarily tight would be a massive deal breaker though

Oof the freeloading would bother me a lot! I know you have answered that comment already.

I would feel uncomfortable participating in his freeloading. So yanbu to feel that way!

Yes, he is aware I'm uncomfortable with the idea of turning up at his friends house without meeting them.first. He has stayed with these friends several when he was married. He had never invited them to stay at his house. I know that because I asked him.

The bills for our outings are split or taken in turns. He keeps notes of what he spends 'to keep it fair' in his words.

Lord a mercy. What a prince. Maybe it's time for a rethink, OP.

I don't think his friends made the offer, he just contacted them to ask them if we could visit, and I felt he may have put them on the spot . He has known some of these friends from his university days.

This does put a different complexion on things, and your updates taken in context, suggest this isn't the relationship for you (wouldn't work for me for someone to be this 'careful')!

Yes, he is aware, in a generalised way, that I don't like staying with strangers or staying more than a night with friends.

He isn't aware that I might be more comfortable with this if I knew he had invited them to stay with and had been
a generous host and if I'd met them beforehand.

. I have met one of his old university couple friends when they came to visit him . They stayed in an hotel. He did not invite them to stay with him or even come to his house for a meal. Just a cup.of tea , then we went to a restaurant for a meal. When the bill came I was expecting him to split it given his nature, but no, he let them pick up the entire tab. I felt awkward about that and told him so. He just said they were comfortably off and could afford it.

I agree with this.

Of course, you finding it 'tight' that he "only ever orders one course and maybe one side, never tips. Asks for tap water, Buys reduced price supermarket flowers. That type of thing.." is a difference between you.

Picking that apart - I personally choose to have water with my meal because I like drinking water with a meal, not as a money saver. I will normally order one course, as, since I've got older, I don't eat as much as I did when I was young.

But if you are choosing to look down on him for those things then I am not sure why you are even talking about spending time abroad together, as you are clearly not really compatible.