Unreasonable to feel uneasy about staying with new partner's friends?

[Seajaye]

How do you feel being invited by a new partner to stay with his friends ( another couple,) whom you've never met before.

I'm uncomfortable with doing this because I don't really enjoy staying in other people's homes, and certainly not more than a night, I need to be good friends with them first , I have dietary requirements so I like to take stuff with me and for them to be comfortable with making own breakfast etc, and finally new partner seems to have habit of freeloading no matter how inconvenient, and as far as I'm aware has never made a reciprocal invitation ever I.e before I knew him, for his friends to come and stay with him

I have made two suggestions which haven't gone down that well

1. He invites his friends to stay with him so I can meet them first.
2. We stay in self catering accommodation close to where his friends live and meet his friends for meal out or a day out somewhere together but do our own thing most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable?

I wouldn't go even if he gave an return invitation, which he probably won't anyway, that would cost money!

You would still feel awkward and you wouldn't enjoy yourself or relax, well I'm putting myself in your shoes, and it would be one of my worst nightmares TBH.

Yes, shut it down immediately. You will not be going if he insists on staying with his friends. Right??

Your posts suggest you are thinking a lot about his likes and preferences, but there's no evidence that this is mutual.
Are you not comfortable being assertive with him?
I also wonder what your friends and family would think about him if they knew these things.

I wouldn’t be comfortable and don’t think most polite people would under the circumstances you’ve described.

Why are you uncomfortable saying “No, I’m not going to do that. It doesn’t work for me.”?

I have said that and explained my reasons for feeling uncomfortable with such a visit arrangement. . It's just the topic is being revisited again as an possible option rather than proper consideration of my alternatives. I just need to put rmore weight on my own discomfort over his preferences.

I guess I'm not comfortable not being listened to as to my reasons why I don't want to stay with his friends,. Raising as a an option first time was OK, but not second and third times ( different friends but similar ' invitation') . He does at least preface the repeat question with, ' I know you are not really keen, but....)

So he contacted friends he's not seen for many years and asked if he could stay with them? Why?

Is this his way of trying to get a cheap holiday? Would he go on holiday somewhere else and stump up for a hotel or accomodation?

What would happen if next time you were out with him, you ordered a large glass of wine (or, God forbid, sparkling water)?! Have you talked to him about his meanness? It sounds awful I think.

Never understand the eagerness to refer to a new boyfriend as a ‘partner’, when fundamental differences like this exist between a couple. He’s a boyfriend, you’re deciding if he’s partner material. And it sounds like he isn’t. Throw him back.

I think it's weird you won't stay with his friends

He’s just impossibly awful. I can’t see the point of considering myself in any kind of relationship with someone like that. He’s selfish to the bone. He exploits his friends. He is ungenerous because he is aggressively self centered not because he had an impoverished childhood. One can be frugal without being stingy or a freeloader.

The mystery is why you bother to make suggestions like “ask your friends to come stay so I can get to know them.” Obviously he will never consider a suggestion that will cost him money and you and your wants and needs don’t even cone into his mind as significant. You are speaking a foreign language to him. He will not entertain any of your udeas because its all about the money, honey. He is incapable of doing more than pretend to care about your wants and needs.

He never tips?!

Not of his own accord, if it's his turn to pay.

I usually add a cash tip if we've had a nice meal, particularly if it's somewhere we might go again.
I'm not fussed about tipping if it a self service coffee shop, but like to tip if it's a proper restaurant with table service as I know waiting staff generally expect it

The whole point of dating is to see whether you are compatible or not and you clearly aren’t with this man.

Don’t go and end it already.

Yes, it would be mainly to get a cheap holiday, but I think he would like to see his friends and spend time with them. He doesn't seem keen however to go on his own.

He'd be fine with me ordering wine if it's my turn to pay. When it's his turn, he usually asks for a jug of tap water to be brought to the table at the outset before the wine menu has been brought . I suppose I could order a glass of wine anyway, but as I'm normally driving, I wouldn't usually do so. He knows that, hence the 'jug' is ordered rather than just a glass.

I haven't talked about his overall thriftiness. It only becomes and issue because of him trying to advance the dating relationship into partner status.

He has always been careful with money in all the years I have known him. It is part and parcel.of who he is, and being extremely careful.witjobeu is how he has accumulated his relative wealth, by not spending more that he has to, and also divorcing his wife after she had inherited some money from her mother, to optimise the settlement in his favour. He saw nothing in wrong in exploiting that, he just sees it as protecting his interests.

How old is he? I'm wondering if he's keen for you to move in together so he can be looked after in old age.

OMG !!

What attracted you to this guy?

He is late 60s, same as me although many people think I look younger than him . He knows moving in together is not going to happen. At my age, I would see moving in together without security of marriage as a foolish thing to do, all the burdens and none of the benefits. That's not happening. I don't like his more recent use of the words partners living apart either.

What's to stop him divorcing you and claiming his share of your assets? I wouldn't be marrying him for this reason as well as his general 'thriftiness'. He sounds grabby.

How on earth can you be comfortable being in a relationship with someone who has told you he strategically divorced only once his partner had their inheritance?!?!

The man is bloody horrible. And the measly mean jug of tap water brought to the table when it’s his turn to pay. I cringe for you having to be with someone who treats you like this.

I'd be giving Ebenezer the boot, personally. It won't get better and you don't exactly sound struck by him anyway.

I hate adult sleep overs.

I don't want to do it.
I will pay to stay anywhere than in someone's house.

Stick to you guns OP.

X

Just go and have fun. If you don't like it don't do it again. You will learn a lot about him and his friends.

It doesn't sound like he ever listens to you, not really.
He isnt interested in your point of view, your thoughts or feelings.
Only in getting you to come around to his way of thinking.

All the time you are with him, are missed times and opportunities that could be spent with other friends or meeting someone new!!

And kindly, dont stay with him because you pity him being more lonely than you.
That's not fair on either of you.

It might be difficult, but it sounds like this difference of opinion is the catalyst to end things.

Girl, stop using so many unnecessary words and just tell him flat out "you inviting yourself to stay at people's homes and forcing them to host and entertain you comes across as a leech. I do not want to get into that habit and I refuse to burden anyone while I have a holiday. Unless we go and set up our own accommodations and just spend time with them here and there, I am not going. Period." You need to get into the habit of having strong boundaries and saying NO! without apology.

But his nickel and diming behavior would turn me off so much I would have dumped him already.

It's fine. Inheritances are not community property anyway. Thats what we call it here in the US - in the UK you refer to it as non-matrimonial (separate) property. Same thing. So even if he did wait unless she was just generous and gave him some, he wasn't entitled to even a half pence. hahaha

He divorced his wife after she inherited some money in order to get his hands on part of it, and he actually told you this? Ye Gods, has the man no shame?

The poor friends he likes to foist himself on under the guise of invitations, and he's now inviting you as well as inviting himself, yet he never reciprocates. He drinks beer when you're paying, and water when he is, and never tips.

There's being as tight as a crab's arse and then there's this.