Unreasonable to feel uneasy about staying with new partner's friends?

[Seajaye]

How do you feel being invited by a new partner to stay with his friends ( another couple,) whom you've never met before.

I'm uncomfortable with doing this because I don't really enjoy staying in other people's homes, and certainly not more than a night, I need to be good friends with them first , I have dietary requirements so I like to take stuff with me and for them to be comfortable with making own breakfast etc, and finally new partner seems to have habit of freeloading no matter how inconvenient, and as far as I'm aware has never made a reciprocal invitation ever I.e before I knew him, for his friends to come and stay with him

I have made two suggestions which haven't gone down that well

1. He invites his friends to stay with him so I can meet them first.
2. We stay in self catering accommodation close to where his friends live and meet his friends for meal out or a day out somewhere together but do our own thing most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable?

Isn’t it normal to stay with friends? We live near an airport and friends often stay with us before or after flights. We often stay with friends abroad. Isn’t it just what people do?

I would not be comfortable with his freeloading nature either. If you don't have a similar attitude towards money I would suggest you are incompatible and consider your future.

God I would be so embarassed fo be with someone like that, but I’m not seeing you being better, why didn’t you pick up the tab. You are criticising him but you sat and took from strangers.

we went to a restaurant for a meal. When the bill came I was expecting him to split it given his nature, but no, he let them pick up the entire tab. I felt awkward about that and told him so. He just said they were comfortably off and could afford it

id be beyond mortified, the pair of you sitting there free loading, and yours worse as at least he knew them.

The more you update about this man, the more dreadful he sounds! I wouldn't be going anywhere with him!

I don't have a problem him ordering tap water with his meal but I'd quite like a glass of wine which I don't feel I can order when he is tallying up the bill.. I'm not a big alcohol drinker so tend to have a glass of wine with for meal out, but not if I'm driving. As I usually do the driving I usually have to settle for tap water , or occasionally a soft drink.
He usually orders a beer when we go out for an Indian meal if I'm driving.
.

He hasn't been offered the chance to go abroad. He has contacted his friends that he not seen for many years to ask them if we can visit them , and I think put them on the spot about staying with them so yes they ' offered' but not until they were asked. That's probably why it doesn't feel like an invitation to me
Id rather stay elsewhere, preferable self catering where I can accommodate my dietary requirements more easily. I would have to use my annual leave to go and I'd rather have a shared cost holiday than a ' free' stay with his friends with just flights to pay for., and just meet up with his friends for meal/ coffee . .

Why haven't you ever had this conversation? Sounds like he's not the one for you for a few reasons, one being the communication between you is shit.

Not sure "I have been on own for 8 years. He does provide companionship for outings etc." is the romance of the century that justifies being with Ebeneezer Scrooge.

I have met one of his old university couple friends when they came to visit him . They stayed in an hotel. He did not invite them to stay with him or even come to his house for a meal. Just a cup.of tea , then we went to a restaurant for a meal. When the bill came I was expecting him to split it given his nature, but no, he let them pick up the entire tab. I felt awkward about that and told him so. He just said they were comfortably off and could afford it.

What on earth ? And this is him at the start of a relationship, when he's at his best?
🤔

I previously said..

You can tell lots about someone by the company they keep.

That line is still true, however, it now sounds like his company might include him taking hostages...

'He's only comfortably off because he spends the bare minimum, e.g only ever orders one course and maybe one side, never tips. Asks for tap water, Buys reduced price supermarket flowers. That type of thing..

The bills for our iutings are split or taken in turns. He keeps notes of what he spends 'to keep it fair' in his words.

Dump him. Takes care of both matters, the visit and his mean nature.'

I think.that is likely outcome. Just trying to do it kindly .

I'm not exactly flush with cash so I actually don't mind some economising some of the time , but I feel its a bit extreme to be constantly counting the pennies and what appears to be attempts to avoiding paying the going rate for a reasonable place to stay when going away when he is aware of my reticence in staying with his friends who are not even introduced to me first.

Option 3. Don't go.

He can stay with them alone until you know the people better.

I think its a good idea to meet his friends if the relationship is that serious. The problem is in your choices. He has to compromise and be willing to sort the problem out not you.

The more I read the posts the more he sounds like my mil who is always inviting herself to people’s places and expecting overnight stays but has never ever invited anyone back. My dh wants us to stay with her ‘so she’s not upset’ but all she wants is to visit me, my parents, my sisters instead and will never make an effort to host her own son and grandson properly.
Yep - freeloading.
Op, tell him you’re staying put. Keep the relationship as a ‘companionship’ until it makes You happy, not because he’s lonely.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I can tolerate his money saving measures as part of companionship as it is part and parcel of how he has always been over last 40 years, and I really don't mind sharing costs of days out activities etc. when we are out and about. I enjoy his company if I set aside this particular trait as we have common interests in current affairs, history and the arts etc .

I just know that I wouldn't ever be comfortable with accepting free hospitality from his friends and never reciprocating. If he wants to go and stay with his friends himself, he can, just not with me in tow..

Do you think you could go back to just being friends?

So to me, this sounds like an issue of you not speaking up for yourself and your needs. So what if he orders a tap water? Nothing stopping you ordering a coke. If you don’t want to stay with people you don’t know (it’s a totally normal thing to do, people ask to come stay with us all the time), that’s fine, just say, I’d rather we get our own accommodation or I’ll just meet them whenever they next come to stay. You have to stop being afraid to express your needs or take up space. That said, if you can’t do that, this probably isn’t the relationship for you.

Not sure. I think he will be upset as I think his suggestion we go and stay with his friends was to put the relationship onto to a longer term footing and to pressure me a bit into accepting his way of doing things is Ok way of doing things. .

But I'm happy to continue on a less frequent friendship only basis if that is what he prefers to do but not sure that will work.long term or that it's kind to give false impression that I might change my mind.in the future.

He has always known that moving towards a closer /living together relationship was never on the cards as we live in different cities/ towns over a hour away but more recently he has hinted at moving closer to each other. He would like me to move to his city. But even if I wanted too it's not practical or affordable for me, since it is an expensive city and my life is established closer to my grown up children and grandchildren. Who are just 10 to 16 mins away from where I live.

His family is not close, although he has sisters and cousins . None live close to him - his daughters are younger than mine in their early 20s, but do not live with him so he is lonely, and he misses them, although he does have work colleagues friends , and longer term friends further away. ..

I don't think you're BU. Your second option sounds a good idea. Stay in self-catering and enjoy yourself on your own terms. DH will not stay with anyone in their house, not even his own sister. He always sorts out his own accommodation. Like others, I am concerned about the freeloading.

No, some of us just can't hack it. Always sort out my own accommodation.

So he's basically invited himself. His friends are probably really fed up with him. Please be careful of how much investment you put into this man. And just order what you want at a restaurant. Why is he dictating what you eat and drink? Please start calling some shots.

They are not your friends (yet). I would feel exactly the same as you do, and my response would be no, I don't feel right staying there this time, but if and when I get to know them a bit more, we'll see at another time.

Honestly, if he doesn't want to spend the money on a compromise where you share the cost of a self catered place instead, I just wouldn't go. I would feel so bloody awkward, and I drool on the pillows and get up in the night for the loo. Too restricted and uncomfortable. Nope.

Don't go OP. See where the land lies after you say no. You will know then.

Yes, I agree. I've told him why I don't want to stay with his friends - he listens but still raises it as a possibility. I need to shut it down completely until he decides of his own volition to make reciprocal invitations to his friends. Which I doubt he will.