Unreasonable to feel uneasy about staying with new partner's friends?

[Seajaye]

How do you feel being invited by a new partner to stay with his friends ( another couple,) whom you've never met before.

I'm uncomfortable with doing this because I don't really enjoy staying in other people's homes, and certainly not more than a night, I need to be good friends with them first , I have dietary requirements so I like to take stuff with me and for them to be comfortable with making own breakfast etc, and finally new partner seems to have habit of freeloading no matter how inconvenient, and as far as I'm aware has never made a reciprocal invitation ever I.e before I knew him, for his friends to come and stay with him

I have made two suggestions which haven't gone down that well

1. He invites his friends to stay with him so I can meet them first.
2. We stay in self catering accommodation close to where his friends live and meet his friends for meal out or a day out somewhere together but do our own thing most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable?

I wouldn’t go unless I could stay somewhere else. They didn’t even ask you so I certainly wouldn’t plonk myself in their house for X amount of days.
But if you’re paying to stay somewhere else do you even want to spend that much time in that area? You could have a nice break somewhere you want to go to

Yes, he told me about his divorce. And No he didn't divorce her to get his hands on her inheritance , he did it because of certain issues with her behaviour but instigated it at the time he did so he could claim the full.matrimonial home for himself instead by offsetting the money against other assets .. He paid her a fairly low sum to buy her out as she had been enriched from her inheritance. He didn't directly touch her money. Just didn't give her a bigger share of the matrimonial house because she had received money during the marriage which she still had in the bank and which she used to buy herself a small house to live in and one to let out as an income as she worked in low paid profession. . She apparently agreed to this ssetlementvbut I think she was short changed as his elderly parent were still alive, and he stood to get an inheritance the not too distance future. In fact he got his 2 years after their divorce..

Other than my modest home, which I own outright, I don't have much by way of assets. He has mentioned living together but never marriage . Which is not a problem as I'm.doing neither.

I might consider marriage to a more generous minded man if I really liked them wanted to spend loads of time with them, , felt valued and respected and if it gave me more security, but I'm doing ok as I am

Despite having some shared interest we don't have shared values, which is at the heart of the matter. I don't expect much by way of romance at my time of life

Never tips?
That would give the immediate ick.
I used to waitress.

You can tell a lot about people by how they treat wait and other staff.

And no. I would never stay with people I've never met, definately not in a foreign country.
I need my own autonomy.

Op, that isn't freeloading, that's friends being friends.

Life's too short to waste on someone like this? Not tipping waiters, manipulating timing of his divorce to make sure his wife got a worse deal, not generous at all. He sounds no fun at all.

What do you get out of this, other than occasional companionship?

It's mainly some companionship after being own for quite a while . The frugality I can tolerate as part of a decades long friendship, but not from ' a partner' ..If I need a partner at all, and I'm not sure I do, I would expect there to be am overlap of at least some shared values. I don't judge him.om his divorce as most disintegrating marriages don't stand up to too much scrutiny.in terms of fairness . Exploiting your ex's financial position is a bit beneath the belt but other men do this all the time. It doesn't make it right though . . His ex wife still has to work as she didn't claim.amy of his pension but the rent she gets in on her rental.property from her inheritance to top.up.her state pension seems to be rather paltry compared to his pension and his asset wealth.

Unfortunately shared interests isn't enough - I've plenty of other friends with shared interests - it's the values that need to be closer to my wavelength..

You deserve better than this, you really do. Be fair and end it ASAP. Better to be alone making do with an incompatible andmean spirited person. How about a new hobby and widening your circle?

I can understand where you’re coming from but you sound too interesting and together to be wasting time on this man. Friendship is one thing but more than that, giving your mental and emotional energy, should be for someone worth it. And you absolutely should expect romance at ‘your time of life’ as you put it. Romance is just another type of joy, why shouldn’t you have as much of that as you can squeeze into your life?

He would like me to move to his city.

I bet he would!

That's not happening, even if I could afford it. I have a lovely but relatively modest house that I'm slowly renovating. I like to visit his city ( my elder daughter coincidentally lives there) but I wouldn't want to live in an expensive tiny flat, which would be all I could afford, as his city is considered a desirable place to live, with associated high prices.

And I definitely would not move in with him, even if he had space, which he doesn't . He's a big collector of stuff and his house is neatly packed to the gunnels with his books, CDs, dvds, a huge wardrobe stuffed full of clothes, lots of furniture, antiquities, glass and ceramics collection. It's ironic that he doesn't however possess a decent set of wine glasses. Probably because he never entertains.

Its been useful having this exchange with strangers. Quite a few think it's ok to stay with his friends and don't consider it freeloading. I'm still very uncomfortable with that in these circumstances.

I know I need to back pedal on the relationship, as he clearly thinks it's going somewhere as some kind of joint retirement, when it's not. Just got to plan the conversation and accept it may probably mean the end of a 40 year friendship. Deep down, it might be a relief in the longer term given the recent pressure to advance the relationship into ' partners living apart ' status.

It is interesting that he’s bloody tight and yet his house is stuffed full of belongings which he clearly treats himself to.
Won’t leave a tip but has wardrobes full of clothes? I wouldn’t even want a friend like this. Selfish and mean, to be frank.

It wouldn’t matter if everyone here thought it was OK. What matters is that you don’t and so it can be guaranteed that you would feel awkward. Who needs that on a holiday?

Sounds a bit like a hoarder, doesn't it? Some hoarders can be really stingy as well, especially if their hoarding is driven by fear of scarcity. Which could be the case with this guy.

And hoarders can also "spread their hoard" over others, meaning they try to absorb the belongings and assets of others into their hoard. It sounds a bit like this guy was trying to do that to OP.

That is a harsh way of getting the point across especially as in the opinion of some people it is normal to go and stay with his friends without meeting them first. Hence my original question.

But I guess I need to be much more direct about my reasons and shut down this option. Staying with his friends n might be his idea of cheap option for a holiday but it comes at a price to me of not being able to totally relax and enjoy the visit, and who wants to be penny pinching on holiday.

If you’re splitting the bill why can’t you order what you want ie wine ? It sounds more like companionship to me OP and by your own admission you’re only with him as it’s better than being alone. Just tell him you don’t want to stay with them.

What is? You haven't quoted the post you're replying to.

“The bills for our iutings are split or taken in turns. He keeps notes of what he spends 'to keep it fair' in his words.”

Keep it fair? Oh dear. This does cross the line between careful and stingy. As does inviting himself to stay with people, but having them stay in a hotel when they come to see him, and not offering them even a meal or cup of tea.

I’m with OP on this one. She’s never met these friends, and her DP hasn’t seen them for years. Then out of the blue he calls them up and asks if he and his new partner—who they’ve never met either.....can come and stay. That’s pretty cheeky if you ask me!