How do you interpret what’s happening?

[Gonegirl0825]

Me and a guy have known each other for a few years. We were never officially together, but we had a close emotional and sexual relationship before he got a girlfriend. When they started dating, I distanced myself, although he’d periodically reach out there entire relationship. He’s now engaged. Recently, he reached out again wanting to reconnect. He said he still wants me in his life and even invited me to his engagement. During the same conversation, he told me he’s still attracted to me and shared doubts about aspects of his engagement, including compatibility around “that” area. Whenever we’ve reconnected over the years, I’ve tried to move things toward a normal friendship, but he continues to bring attraction into the dynamic. I’m struggling to understand what space he expects me to have in his life now. Being asked to celebrate his engagement while also hearing about his doubts and his ongoing attraction to me feels like being pulled in opposite directions.
How would you interpret this? Thanks

He doesn't sound like much of a friend to you. What friendship does he offer you?

It sounds like it is all on his terms and he would like to get engaged but keep you as a friend with benefits. Does his fiance know about the arrangement?

I think you'll be better off cutting ties with him. He is a user.

Don't over analyse it, it's really not that deep. You are the fall back girl whenever he wants some extra attention and /or sex.Take control and end this so called friendship, he is not your friend.
I feel sorry for his fiancee.

Wait so, all this just comes down to him wanting a fall back? I fell for the whole ‘I care for you, friendship’ thing. But you might be right honestly

He doesn’t really offer much friendship, I mean he invited me to his engagement but even then, I still don’t know what for.
and idk what his fiancé knows, she’s likely just been told I’m a friend, but when he interacts with me he’s always taking it to more intimate places

i didn’t know what to do when he got a gf, but I had chosen to distance myself and he just kept reaching out, still initiating contact
you’re right though, I think I need to be less passive

I just dont see what you get out of it...

I'd run for the hills OP.

I'm not someone who thinks it's impossible to just be friends with men, I think it's impossible with this particular man though.

He does not care about you (or his fiancée). He’s keeping you on the hook for when it falls apart or just to keep on the side for sex and an ego boost while his future wife has no idea. I would probably tell the fiancée. She won’t believe you now but she may do in time.

He tells you about their so-called ‘incompatibility’ and his doubts to make you feel like a trusted confidante. That’s also a lie.

His poor bloody fiancé.

You sound quite naive, OP, although I’m sure this thread has opened your eyes quite a bit.

Please get him out of your life - he has no respect for his fiancé or you.

It is not a friendship. It’s an arrangement where this man gets to get engaged and then sleep with someone he fancies.
He doesn’t care about his fiancée or you

Yeah I can’t tell her bc I have a feeling it’ll just put me in the crossfire and she’ll likely just believe him.
I also haven’t been sure what his actions actually mean, he tells me we’re friends but constantly tries to be intimate with me, and it just gets confusing for me. But what you’re saying makes sense

My head has been spinning, I really didn’t know what to make of what he’s doing
but everyone is saying the same thing, that it’s a setup

He wants every sweet in the shop and doesn't care who gets hurt in the process

Why do you say this particular man? Bc I kind of wanted to believe we could be friends, he’s obviously been resistant to letting the attraction part go, but I wouldn’t have minded a normal friendship (not straight away but after some time)

Am I naive? I feel like I might be. Or maybe he’s messed with my head so bad I don’t know what’s what.
this thread has been clarifying
thank you

I'd be completely repulsed that a man thought I was stupid enough to believe the drivel he was spouting trying to line up a mistress to keep on the back burner.

It's not confusing. Believe mens actions. Not the words that are easy to say, but their actions.

Work on your standards and self esteem so much that trash like this man are far below your radar.

Because his morals are clearly in the gutter. It's better to have friends who are good people.

I also agree with PP, it's not right but if his fiancé gets any inkling as to what's going on he won't hesitate to pain you as the bad guy. You won't come out of this well even if you behave well. It's not worth the drama.

Is it that straightforward? why have I been confused this whole time 😕
So you basically think he’s just using me too then

You can't trust him to be a friend.

A friend, you should be able to be around without fending off sexual advances.

Ask yourself this? What if you find a partner who you want to spend the rest of your life with . Would that partner be happy for your arrangement with this guy? I think you’d know the answer . The poor fiancé , why is he marrying her ? Is it an arranged marriage by any chance? What is the reason you haven’t found someone yourself? Is it low self esteem, no confidence in yourself ? You really need some help or maybe some counselling , I get the feeling there are reasons you are even considering staying friends with such a loser . He is not a good man , please concentrate on yourself, you don’t need him in your life at all .

So his behaviour tells you he wants a mistress on the back burner?
I probably gave too much weight to him saying ‘I value our friendship’ then coz I thought maybe we’d have a normal friendship
Thanks

You remind me of me when I was younger op. I had a naive belief that I was ‘friends’ with men but it was only ever just sex.

Ask yourself if you were in hospital, would he come and visit? If your car broke down and you were stranded 2 hours from home would he come and rescue you? If you were feeling sad, would he sit and listen to your problems?

Like others have said, he wants you on the back burner to cheat on his fiancé. He’s not a good man and you should cut it off. I guarantee you won’t see him for dust if he thinks sex is off the table. He’s no friend.

No I wouldn’t be happy if my partner was contacting people he has history with and still keeping them in his life, esp if there’s any blurred boundaries.
&They’re not arranged, he’s chosen it.
And why he continues to reach out to me, idk
but everyone is saying it’s because he wants some kind of benefits, which has been clarifying
thanks for your advice, and maybe I will seek out therapy just bc my head is spun

Thank you for your insight
& you’re probably right, everyone is saying the same things so it’s gotta be true, he’s probably only after some kind of back-burner mistress thing, that might explain why he keeps reaching out to me
I’ve tried so hard to make things platonic, and he keeps taking it there, but maybe i just need to cut him off for good.

NO.

He doesn't want your friendship. He wants an
all- in-one sex talk recipient, willing side-piece and therapist to hear all his "complaints about his fiancé 🤢

You deserve better. Cut him off for your own sake.