Would you date a recovering addict?

[SerenDipity37]

I met a man a year ago.
We went on several dates and it has honestly been the hardest thing not to fall straight head over heels for this man.

He has consistently shown himself to be hilariously funny, intellectually curious and extremely smart, conscientious of others, artistic, creative, kind, honest, and driven to expand and grow into his skills and passions.
We get along beautifully and have spent many long hours in endlessly inspired conversation. We seem to fit unlike anyone I've met previous.
And I've never met someone with whom I feel so seen, understood and respected.

However...
He opened up early about his past addiction. He explained that it was important to him that I know that about this past before we take any steps towards relationship together.
He didn't initiate any intimacy until we had a long talk about this.
He struggled in active addiction for almost 10 years...
Heavy alcohol use for several years.
Followed by cocaine, various pain killers, speed, and eventually IV heroin use.

He got clean almost 10 years ago (10 years this year) and regularly attends recovery groups like NA and AA.
He is consistent with their programmes and fulfills all the things like inventory, total abstinence, etc.
He says he still gets thoughts about drugs, but no longer gets craving.
He describes himself as a "recovering" addict, as opposed to "recovered" and explains this is to never become complacent.

After he explained this, I did take a step back and we have kept our connection to a friendship so far. But the entire time, I have been feeling more and more that I want to connect deeper and follow the original attraction that is still really strong for us both.

Side note: I'm still unsure on whether I want children or not. I have wanted to be a Mum since I was a child, but the world is a bit too insane at the moment for me to be confident to bring a child here.
But if that changes and I decide to have children, the thought of having children with someone who may relapse is mildly terrifying.
He is 10 years clean and very consistent and careful... But the thought worries me. It seems such an influential decision, for my children, who their father will be....which is my responsibility to choose.

From anyone with more life experience (I'm barely 30), or especially anyone with experience around addiction, would you pursue this?
I don't want to disregard him purely because he had struggles that he has since overcome!
Does the children/no children question influence your advice?

~ TLDR
Met an incredible man, many green flags personality/lifestyle/compatibility-wise. He is 10 years clean from hard drug addiction.
Would you pursue a relationship?
What if there was a future desire of children?
Any personal experience stories?

Hmm actually yes I think in your shoes I would. I initially thought no way at your title, but it’s 10 years which is fantastic and as long as he continues to stay self aware and committed to maintaining his recovery then yes. People can and do change and he deserves every chance of happiness as do you.

Oh and children do bring stress, yup- so if you have time together and decide you’d like children I would just be very open to discussing everything and have contingency plans for stress management for both of you. I feel it sounds like a lot of his work on himself has made him self aware which is a huge help.

Yes.

No I don’t think I would.

I met a man who was one year sober he had been to rehab and was engaged in his aftercare, married him. Been together 20 years three kids, he’s never looked back, we have made a lovely life together.

As an ex addict, 18 years clean, no I wouldn’t risk it, especially as you want children. The fact he still feels he needs NA & AA. The fact he still thinks about drugs and the fact he says he’s “recovering” would all make me worry even more.
Becoming a parent is destabilising, stressful, exhausting, expensive, scary. All things that could cause a relapse.

I would invoke Clare's Law. So often drug dependency results in criminal activity of a violent nature. I would want to know about this before embarking on a relationship, particularly if children might be on the cards at some point.

Married to a man who is 25 years clean. We met at 5 years clean. He still refers to himself as a cocaine addict for the same reasons your man describes himself as recovering rather than recovered.

I made it very clear from the start that drugs of any form would be a hard no. One instance and I would be gone, there would be no discussion, no second chances-I would just up and leave. That is still the case to this day, he understands it’s an ongoing hard limit.

You could have a wonderful relationship with him, so try it, set your limits and see where it takes you.

no

Ive personally had issues with drugs in my past and would say that this guy sounds like he's self aware and has and is doing all the right things. However I would ask him if he's been through any testing times in the last 10 years of recovery that might have triggered a relapse and how he's got through those without turning back to drugs or alcohol. Staying clean through adversity is the biggest test so it'll be how he's handled these stress points that I'd be judging his future potential on.

Yes . My SIL is ex addict and he has been clean for 8 years . He is the most amazing father to the children and a very caring considerate husband to my daughter.
They have had a few challenges with the children and he has remained supportive and not been even remotely tempted back to his old life.
He has a good job working in finance now and has reclaimed his life. I have absolutely no doubts that he will be clean forever. He runs NA groups and has inspired many young people. He has too much to loose. Love him so much.

I’m the one in my relationship who is still a recovering addict, for all the reasons that your potential partner is and always will be ‘recovering’.

6 years clean and sober and I’ve: built a successful business, learnt to drive, bought a house and had a baby.

Everyone has a past and at 10 years clean I’d give him a chance.

I dated a recovering alcoholic who was all of those wonderful things and more. The AA encourages the use of ‘recovering’ as an addict is always considered to be at risk of losing their recovery and absolutely must maintain regular attendance at meetings, etc. He went to meetings diligently and told me about all of this, and I did my own research. Unfortunately, he was also a narcissist and, as he courted and charmed everyone in my circle, he lied to and about me consistently. I learned that, as a recovering alcoholic, he was not available for a relationship. When I ended it, he left me in a state of anxiety and in debt. On the advice of a friend, I contacted his last ex on socials- she said he’d done the same to her, including the amazing proposal and the debt - “he should come with a health warning” stuck with me. So, yes, everyone deserves a second chance but I’m not sure about a third or fourth. I hope that, whatever way you decide, it works out well. Apols for long message 🙄

Honestly not - but I was married to an addict. An alcoholic - we are now divorced - he chose alcohol - I chose my daughter and our sanity /lives and left him

he will die from drinking. He has lost his family , friends. Children , marriage, home ,job and even health

yet still drinks as soon as he gets money

he wasn’t like this 15yrs ago when we met

im very wary starting a new relationship incase goes the same way

I couldn’t run the risk esp due to dd. She has seen and heard too much

I wouldn’t /couldnt run the risk of having kids with him

he may be an amazing person and well done to him for getting clean

but I would always worry about a relapse

and I know that’s not healthy for a relationship

but that’s due to my ex and making sure dd is ok - and I reliese my/his past has an impact on my views

My partner is 20+ years sober. A recovering alcoholic and drug user.

It's honestly fine. But only because he's so careful. He doesn't mind me drinking (I'm not a big drinker, if I was it definitely wouldn't work).

He goes to at least one AA mtg a week. We went on a cruise and he found a secret meeting they have and went to that - he says he goes just as much to support others, and on the cruise he met a mother and son who were in recovery and on the cruise having lost the husband to alcohol addiction. They were grateful to hear his long experience.

He's currently sponsoring someone (which is getting on my nerves because it takes up a lot of time and the guy keeps cancelling!).

He knows though - any suggestion that he goes back to it, we're through. It's not a threat, it's a boundary I've set down. It would not work for me if he went back to drinking (and definitely not drugs, I am very anti drugs).

It took me a while to get the hang of it. He's very open about it, about his feelings etc, the history. He's had to learn to talk about his feelings. And I can, and do, ask him anything.

I think if I met someone who had been clean for 10 years I would consider it … has he got a home, good job? What are his connections and friends /family like? Was he involved in crime?
I must admit I would be very anxious about Iv heroin as more links to criminality.

My sister has been with her ex addict partner ( alcohol and cocaine) for 20years. He moved across country and cut all connections with his party lifestyle friends. His addiction was a result of traveling with his job and partying hard at weekends.

He did relapse on alcohol in first 2 years but he has stayed clean for 18 years.
He has a good management level job and very well respected, they have a child together and a lovely home and lifestyle.

If you really like him then just take your time, develop the friendship.. and see how it goes.Time will show you who he is… any doubts or suspicions, then listen to your gut .
Any signs of relapse … let him go !
good luck x

Yeah this wouldn't bother me at all with it being 10 years

How old is he? I’d be wary

My first instinct too … must be significantly older than you? How did you meet? You sound bamboozled and irrationally ecstatic if that’s even a thing. I’m getting grooming, love-bombing vibes. Hope I’m wrong. I would be very concerned about future health issues with someone who has a significant past with addiction if you had children. I know of 6 men in my circle who have died in their 40s with prior coke addiction - the problematic drinkers last longer into their 60s.

Im curious as to why his identity is so wrapped up in this given the time frames as PP has suggested Narc and/or self absorbed ‘saviour complex’ dynamics could be at play.

What has niggled you to seek clarity / write this post? When it seems you are already besotted and have all the excuses / explanations (not saying they are disingenuous - just interesting in what’s bothering you)

This is a hard one..
My partner died due to a drink and cocaine addiction. It was the lies that killed our relationship more than the addiction. It made me paranoid and I don't think I can trust anyone now who's got an addiction because they can become really good liars . They lie to themselves very easily.

I think you have to look at it in both ways... He's been honest and told you from the off and you could meet someone next who's doing this stuff undercover and isn't open about it. It feels like addiction is everywhere these days.
But it could also kill your own mental health looking "for signs", questioning yourself if you believe he's sober.

I think you need to take it VERY slowly. A lot slower than you first thought you would. Your gut will tell you, listen to it if you feel red flags. . But I don't think you should necessarily walk away til he's given you a reason to if you like him.
Good Luck 🥰

Was it IV heroin? I’d be worried about hepatitis if it was, can be asymptomatic for years.

I would never willingly bring that living hell into my home.

I was trapped living with an addict as a child. Never again.

Not if I knew he was in recovery. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, who had done various drugs including heroin before meeting my father. Alcohol was the resl struggle though, and she had periods of many years without a drink.

It's great he's been dry for 10 years, but it will always be there. How does he handle stress and anger and things like that?

Exactly this ^^

No. Because the number that say all the right things about being in recovery (especially when there's the opportunity for sex and somewhere to live) vastly outweigh the number that are actually in recovery. And of the far smaller number, only a tiny proportion of those never, ever use or take advantage of all the manipulative tools they developed in order to feed their habits. Plus hepatitis, HIV and all the horrible things they did to others in the process.