Would you date a recovering addict?

[SerenDipity37]

I met a man a year ago.
We went on several dates and it has honestly been the hardest thing not to fall straight head over heels for this man.

He has consistently shown himself to be hilariously funny, intellectually curious and extremely smart, conscientious of others, artistic, creative, kind, honest, and driven to expand and grow into his skills and passions.
We get along beautifully and have spent many long hours in endlessly inspired conversation. We seem to fit unlike anyone I've met previous.
And I've never met someone with whom I feel so seen, understood and respected.

However...
He opened up early about his past addiction. He explained that it was important to him that I know that about this past before we take any steps towards relationship together.
He didn't initiate any intimacy until we had a long talk about this.
He struggled in active addiction for almost 10 years...
Heavy alcohol use for several years.
Followed by cocaine, various pain killers, speed, and eventually IV heroin use.

He got clean almost 10 years ago (10 years this year) and regularly attends recovery groups like NA and AA.
He is consistent with their programmes and fulfills all the things like inventory, total abstinence, etc.
He says he still gets thoughts about drugs, but no longer gets craving.
He describes himself as a "recovering" addict, as opposed to "recovered" and explains this is to never become complacent.

After he explained this, I did take a step back and we have kept our connection to a friendship so far. But the entire time, I have been feeling more and more that I want to connect deeper and follow the original attraction that is still really strong for us both.

Side note: I'm still unsure on whether I want children or not. I have wanted to be a Mum since I was a child, but the world is a bit too insane at the moment for me to be confident to bring a child here.
But if that changes and I decide to have children, the thought of having children with someone who may relapse is mildly terrifying.
He is 10 years clean and very consistent and careful... But the thought worries me. It seems such an influential decision, for my children, who their father will be....which is my responsibility to choose.

From anyone with more life experience (I'm barely 30), or especially anyone with experience around addiction, would you pursue this?
I don't want to disregard him purely because he had struggles that he has since overcome!
Does the children/no children question influence your advice?

~ TLDR
Met an incredible man, many green flags personality/lifestyle/compatibility-wise. He is 10 years clean from hard drug addiction.
Would you pursue a relationship?
What if there was a future desire of children?
Any personal experience stories?

Thank you for the advice, especially coming from experience... I'm curious, as someone who knows this world better than I, why is it a negative that he still needs NA/AA?
My understanding was that their narrative is that you will be in the programme for life in some form and always 'an addict' ....

OP it is certainly not a negative that he still attends AA he wants to keep his sobriety and is doing the right thing there are many members with far more sobriety than him who still attend. The fact that he says he is still recovering is neither here nor there its just a term some use.
In my experience members of these fellowships are actually more well balanced than some on the outside.
Sober now for over 20 years so I have a little bit of experience I still attend where would the new comer be without experience in the rooms of long term sobriety.

No way.

No.

I was married to an alcoholic.

And the thing that FINALLY got me out of the marriage was the understanding that even if he did get sober, (he didn't, but if he did...) I would always have the threat hanging over me that one single drink could end everything we'd worked for.

I could be ten years down the line, believing I was happy, having brought kids up, and find a vodka bottle down the back of the sofa.

It isn't worth it. You have literally no control over another person's addiction, and wilfully basing your happiness on someone who has that history is too risky.

(Mine never hit rock bottom until he died.)

Did you miss the questions about how old he is ? 10 years active addiction plus 10 years clean… and you’re in your 20’s.

feels to me like he’s well practiced in love bombing and dishonesty - you seem very keen to forgive anything - good luck. You will need it.

Yes. As long as they weren't obsessed with therapy speak and tenets of rehab and wouldn't stop going on about their 'journey'. Like really self absorbed about the whole situation.

Other people's addiction stories aren't especially fascinating. And I wouldn't want them lecturing me about my own habits.

If I was are even considering ever having children, then I wouldn't pursue anything with this man. Its too much of a risk and children can make life stressful

If it were just me as I am now then I would continue it. But like any relationship I'd have now I'd probably not introduce him to my DD until she was an adult and definitely not move him in

Echoing the age questions. You say you're barely thirty and his addictions stretch back at least 20 years so there must be a significant age gap. I'd be wary about that, esp given the way you talk about him which doesn't sound like a mature equal relationship, more like you're in awe of him, maybe comparing him to younger men you've been out with who he seems to compare well to... apart from the IV drug use etc. Honestly given that you're young and want children and have the choice of all the fish in the sea, I wouldn't continue with this one.

I have a friend with a similar history to him and even though the substance addiction is gone, he's got a certain quality - which can be very appealing - but which makes him vulnerable to other intense/extreme behaviours out of the blue. He's recently become a born again Christian which can be quite trying. Obviously better than the drugs, but you'd always wonder what's coming next.

If children is what you want in the future, of all the genetic pool out there that there is to choose from, I would not knowingly create a child with an addict. Your child may inherit that genetic predisposition.

Also the stress of having a child, the sleeplessness, the boredom of caring for small children, the lack of free time to perhaps keep attending the meetings, all of that could push him to crave that excitement again of substances and lead to relapse.

I had a relationship with someone who had previously been in heroin. He’d been clean for ten years when I got together with him. He did smoke a lot of weed still, and I didn’t like that. He still had addictive tendencies and I think he always will. He also liked gambling. For this reason I never wanted to move in with him or share finances, as ultimately I didn’t trust him to be responsible.

He was a good man but definitely had demons that he still battled.

Does this man show many addictive tendencies in other ways?

I think the AA/NA meetings and culture would bother me most. The men that attend are constantly on the lookout for other sex partners. A sort of 6th form common room vibe.

I think someone who has been an addict, they are in recovery for the rest of their lives. You dont get to ten years and suddenly youve recovered.

i think hes been honest with you, if you really like him, id give it a chance.

This - all that she said.

there’s a personality type - they’ve a decade of lies at least behind them.

How old is he?
I have been in this situation. He was charming, hilarious, deeply intelligent, honest, or so I thought. He said he'd been clean for 5 years. Turned out that was a lie and he was still actively using when I moved in. He hid it from me. Unbeknownst to me the money I gave him towards rent went on drugs. Eventually the landlord evicted us and he ended up in a secure mental health ward on suicide watch. I ended up homeless. So no, I wouldn't do that again. I'm not saying that people can't kick the addiction for good, many people have. But go into it with eyes wide open.

I would not, from the wanting kids aspect, my mother was an addict, and even when technically "clean and sober" sometimes for years before falling off and doing all the right things, there are other addictive personality traits that often come out, which seem non-destructive on the surface, but actually are not. You will likely need to change your habits. Want a glass of wine? or need some strong painkillers in the house? What if thats a trigger for him.

Also as others have said the age gap question also comes into play.

And I've never met someone with whom I feel so seen, understood and respected.
A lot of addicts are the most people-y, outgoing people you can imagine before the wheels totally come off, who make you feel important at times, there is a level of manipulation that comes with a lot of functioning addicts and I think it can sometimes be a hard habit to drop, even after being sober, so tread with caution.

I think once an addict always an addict though so meetings and saying he's recovering is correct,he's not recovered and never will be.

I probably wouldn't OP because I wouldn't be able to cope with any relapses.

OP have you considered your own background? I found a recovering addict ex deeply attractive because I was codependent. It's a common dynamic. You may have rescuing tendencies you haven't explored yet. In my case it originated from trying to fix members of my family who also struggled with their mental health.

Echoing PPs who mentioned addictions outside of substances. Has your friend tackled these?l temptations? Sex, love, gambling, shopping, eating etc.

I did. It was dreadful.

No. Never.

Honestly? No. Not in any circumstances.

You see green flags. I see red, OP.
Having been married to one (clean 20 years) and having a brother who is a recovering addict (and truly, a beautiful personality in many ways but scratch the surface and the hot mess comes bubbling up), I would say NOPE. Don’t touch him with a barge pole unless he’s done serious work on the source of his addiction… I mean a shitload of therapy (trauma work, shadow work, ALL the work). He is an addict and yes, addicts can do the surface work. But going into the fire and confronting the real pain is too hard for most addicts, so they never fight that beast and invariably, their addictive behaviour shows up in other ways and bleeds into the relationship. Often sex addiction and just being fucked up about sex in general replaces the drugs/alcohol. It’s not fun. Trust me.

You become the ‘cure’ they need and when you don’t work, when they realise you’re only human and not their self prescribed miracle worker, resentment builds and out comes the true feelings. It gets ugly and there’s nothing recovered about ‘em when you see that ugliness. Ask me how I know. 5 years on since I last saw my ex husband and the pain is still real. Soul destroying experience. A total waste of the best years of my life. Don’t sign yourself up to say that last sentence years from now.

No, honestly I would not. I have an relative who is an addict (drink and not drugs). His spouse is still always on edge that he will have a relapse (he has tbf). I know there is always a risk of being with someone who can develop and addiction but no I would not knowingly date an addict particularly if I wanted kids.

At your age, no. Having an addictive personality is highly inheritable so I certainly wouldn’t want children with him. If you had both lived your lives and were seeking companionship in older life then maybe.

Good spot - not about the 10 years addiction, 10 years clean, OP only in her 20s etc but her denial / ignoring this Q that has come up several times. Any of us a bit older than OP know the score …. charismatic, love bomber in action.

Whats his relationship history OP?
Does he have children? What’s his relationship like with his parents and siblings?

This is just “mirroring” (the text in bold) - it’s a grooming / manipulation technique that you have fallen for. Very easy to snare anyone gullible who doesn’t suspect what’s happening. It’s not real. It’s a trap.

Even your user name is a red flag to your likely emotional disposition and vulnerability. What was your upbringing like?