Would you date a recovering addict?

[SerenDipity37]

I met a man a year ago.
We went on several dates and it has honestly been the hardest thing not to fall straight head over heels for this man.

He has consistently shown himself to be hilariously funny, intellectually curious and extremely smart, conscientious of others, artistic, creative, kind, honest, and driven to expand and grow into his skills and passions.
We get along beautifully and have spent many long hours in endlessly inspired conversation. We seem to fit unlike anyone I've met previous.
And I've never met someone with whom I feel so seen, understood and respected.

However...
He opened up early about his past addiction. He explained that it was important to him that I know that about this past before we take any steps towards relationship together.
He didn't initiate any intimacy until we had a long talk about this.
He struggled in active addiction for almost 10 years...
Heavy alcohol use for several years.
Followed by cocaine, various pain killers, speed, and eventually IV heroin use.

He got clean almost 10 years ago (10 years this year) and regularly attends recovery groups like NA and AA.
He is consistent with their programmes and fulfills all the things like inventory, total abstinence, etc.
He says he still gets thoughts about drugs, but no longer gets craving.
He describes himself as a "recovering" addict, as opposed to "recovered" and explains this is to never become complacent.

After he explained this, I did take a step back and we have kept our connection to a friendship so far. But the entire time, I have been feeling more and more that I want to connect deeper and follow the original attraction that is still really strong for us both.

Side note: I'm still unsure on whether I want children or not. I have wanted to be a Mum since I was a child, but the world is a bit too insane at the moment for me to be confident to bring a child here.
But if that changes and I decide to have children, the thought of having children with someone who may relapse is mildly terrifying.
He is 10 years clean and very consistent and careful... But the thought worries me. It seems such an influential decision, for my children, who their father will be....which is my responsibility to choose.

From anyone with more life experience (I'm barely 30), or especially anyone with experience around addiction, would you pursue this?
I don't want to disregard him purely because he had struggles that he has since overcome!
Does the children/no children question influence your advice?

~ TLDR
Met an incredible man, many green flags personality/lifestyle/compatibility-wise. He is 10 years clean from hard drug addiction.
Would you pursue a relationship?
What if there was a future desire of children?
Any personal experience stories?

I used to work in rehab and so the answer for me is: it depends.

'Early doors' recovery (ie the first five years) no. But people who have shown they're in it for the long haul, who are committed to stabilising their life, working on their stuff...quite possibly. There are plenty of people out there who are abusive, manipulative, and all-round dickheads without any addiction problems (see half the divorce threads on here). Everyone is just a person at the end of the day.

For me it would also depend on what type of addiction they were dealing with. Drugs and alcohol, yes with caveats. Gambling no way in hell. in hell

Nope

No.

Nope. If I'm looking for a partner, I'm looking for someone who will make my life better, that will make life easier, not harder. Someone who will be able to share the load, not make me need to worry more.

As a result I'm going to be risk averse. No addictions, no big health conditions, no past cheating etc.

Obviously, there's no guarantee that life's going to be perfect either way. DP has a chronic health condition, that if she'd had it when I met her I'd probably have taken a swerve. I'm not going to leave her now she does have it though, because by the point it surfaced I'd already fallen in love and built a life and family with her.

It would be the same with addiction. Had she been a recovering addict when I met her, hard avoid. Had she developed an addiction 10 years into our relationship, and then kicked it, no I'm not likely to leave her over it.

Please don’t do it - I have had several addictions and it is hard work. Many people think they can help or cure the addict in some dimension, they are on a hiding to hell.
You sound a lovely, intelligent and empathetic lady. Get out there and meet someone who will truly lift you up. Good luck and don’t be disheartened by our largely negative response
s

Does he have a job and what is his employment history like?
Does he have a ‘proper’ home?
Does it mean you won’t be able to enjoy a glass of wine occasionally or have to swerve social events where alchohol is served?

@SerenDipity37

yes I did continue to date him and have now been married for 30 years with a family that are now adults of our own.

I won’t lie and say there wernt stressful times especially when the dc were little and non sleepers and stresses with finances with a young family however we worked through that together and he still now attends one meeting every few months just because when we first got together one of my provisos was he was to always continue to keep them channels open and to this day thirty years later he still goes.

i absolutely love him more with each year that passes and am very happy.

we know each other inside and out and are very connected and have always had our lines of communication between us very open.

he’s an amazing parent and grandparent and an amazing husband.

Apologies, I just hadn't the time to form a full reply on this thread.
He is 11 years older than I am.
And he himself has struggled with this aspect of it, and been sure to check in regularly if I feel like we are on the same page/am I comfortable with this.

10yrs clean and if he’s all the things you describe, yes i’d give him a chance. Far better that than someone who is hiding issues. Sounds like he is doing really well in his recovery. Shit happens to people, but sounds like he’s done so well in recovering and rebuilding his life.

Although there are good points in what you wrote, in all honesty the age gap and multi-substance addiction history combined would write this one off for me.

Age gaps bring their own challenges, moreso over time and what seems fine now may take a decade to show impacts, especially if kids are introduced into the mix several years in.

The fact he told you is a green flag but I would agree with the suggestion of doing Claire’s law on him

Along with the fact he's 11 years older than you. This has major red flags. Talk is cheap in love bombing. He sounds skilled at saying all the right things to establish a strong emotional connection. On the surface of it, him being so open about his addictions sounds endearing. But he is painting himself as a victim and this could be strategic.

This comment worries me:

We get along beautifully and have spent many long hours in endlessly inspired conversation. We seem to fit unlike anyone I've met previous.
And I've never met someone with whom I feel so seen, understood and respected.

Does he have a strong friendship group, get on well with his family? Does he have a stable job and his own home?

Run if he doesn't have a good relationship with friends and his family. This will also speak volumes.
In summary, you can do much better than a man 11 years too old, with a parade of red flags and addiction issues.

I think using the word ‘recovering’ is a fairly standard thing in AA or NA circles as it helps the person to remember that you’re never really ‘cured’ as such.

I wouldn’t date someone who was actively working through this but 10 years clean, yes I would. The fact that he was honest about it from the start is a hugely positive thing. Everyone deserves a second chance and it sounds as though he’s made some massive changes in his life.

Up into you mentioning wanting children with him I was on the fence.

With potential children involved absolutely not.

11 year age gap - that’s a no on its own!

Yes, I would. Ten years is great work.

Personally they may be a good person but id still run

The addiction on its own or the age gap on its own would be ok. The two together does give me pause. Or it would if I were you.

As someone from a family of alcoholics some of them are the nicest, most charming people in the world. But they do have a very dark side which is horrible to see when it comes out. I wouldn't say an absolute no, but I would think twice

No, I grew up with a parent who has drink issues. It’s an illness but it affects everyone who loves them.
I couldn’t personally take the risk in case of a relapse it may never happen but I would never want to love another addict.

@SerenDipity37 No I wouldn’t. Not only has been addicted to alcohol, he’s also been addicted to numerous drugs including heroin. He still thinks about drugs and feels the need to attend meetings 10 years on. I suspect he has likely had some relapses in these last 10 years but even if he hasn’t it would still not be worth the risk to me. I personally wouldn’t go near anyone who has touched heroin either. I’ve also previously been in a relationship with a functioning alcoholic, which didn’t come to light until we were living together, and I would never ever date anyone with any history of addiction again. Some people may take the risk if they haven’t been through it before but having been with someone with addiction, I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone and most definitely couldn’t do it again, And in your case he’s given you forewarning, you aren’t serious or tied to together. You could easily walk away.

This is my experience too. In fact, all the work he put in means that he has a greater emotional depth and vocabulary than others I've dated or had relationships with. He takes nothing for granted and is appreciative of small, medium and greatly life enhancing things because of where he's been.

Ten years is great. He sounds on the ball and emotionally aware. I would just say that if you plan to have kids maybe have a fund for some good psychotherapy for him at that point to help him process the overwhelm that comes with parenting. It can bring up a lot from your own childhood and addiction doesn't come from nowhere. It may be that the work he's done is enough, but he may also need a top up in those stressful years and you can have a plan for it.

My experience has been positive, with someone who got used to talking about their vulnerabilities and having help for it

No

My neighbour is 20 years sober with his partner and I am a year into dating the BEST guy he’s 3 years sober. we started slow and we weren’t intimate until he had told me, it was nice to date slower and I’ve never regretted it

I suppose if he’s genuinely trying which 10 years suggests he really is, then yes, my only concern for the future would be what it would take for him to relapse, if he has a high tolerance level it might not be a problem but if small problems tend to rattle him then it would be a risk i’d want to consider.

In the situation you describe, not a chance. 11 year age gap, plus he spent fully one third of your lifespan on hard drugs, you’re barely 30, clearly totally lovestruck and hero worshipping and want kids?