Would you date a recovering addict?

[SerenDipity37]

I met a man a year ago.
We went on several dates and it has honestly been the hardest thing not to fall straight head over heels for this man.

He has consistently shown himself to be hilariously funny, intellectually curious and extremely smart, conscientious of others, artistic, creative, kind, honest, and driven to expand and grow into his skills and passions.
We get along beautifully and have spent many long hours in endlessly inspired conversation. We seem to fit unlike anyone I've met previous.
And I've never met someone with whom I feel so seen, understood and respected.

However...
He opened up early about his past addiction. He explained that it was important to him that I know that about this past before we take any steps towards relationship together.
He didn't initiate any intimacy until we had a long talk about this.
He struggled in active addiction for almost 10 years...
Heavy alcohol use for several years.
Followed by cocaine, various pain killers, speed, and eventually IV heroin use.

He got clean almost 10 years ago (10 years this year) and regularly attends recovery groups like NA and AA.
He is consistent with their programmes and fulfills all the things like inventory, total abstinence, etc.
He says he still gets thoughts about drugs, but no longer gets craving.
He describes himself as a "recovering" addict, as opposed to "recovered" and explains this is to never become complacent.

After he explained this, I did take a step back and we have kept our connection to a friendship so far. But the entire time, I have been feeling more and more that I want to connect deeper and follow the original attraction that is still really strong for us both.

Side note: I'm still unsure on whether I want children or not. I have wanted to be a Mum since I was a child, but the world is a bit too insane at the moment for me to be confident to bring a child here.
But if that changes and I decide to have children, the thought of having children with someone who may relapse is mildly terrifying.
He is 10 years clean and very consistent and careful... But the thought worries me. It seems such an influential decision, for my children, who their father will be....which is my responsibility to choose.

From anyone with more life experience (I'm barely 30), or especially anyone with experience around addiction, would you pursue this?
I don't want to disregard him purely because he had struggles that he has since overcome!
Does the children/no children question influence your advice?

~ TLDR
Met an incredible man, many green flags personality/lifestyle/compatibility-wise. He is 10 years clean from hard drug addiction.
Would you pursue a relationship?
What if there was a future desire of children?
Any personal experience stories?

The thing is op, no one, not even he himself can tell you what will happen in thy future. He may well relapse. You might decide to not pursue things and marry someone else who isn't an addict but becomes one. You might marry this guy and be one of the people like the pps on this thread who have never looked back.

I do have personal experience. My dh was a chronic alcoholic and never got sober. I'm also an ex addict myself (alcohol but mainly painkillers).

From everything you've written about him I would say he sounds like he's put in the work, recognises it'll be work for the rest of his life, he's not shying away from that and I'm my view those are all excellent signs.

Lots of alcoholics in my family AND recovering alcoholics. Those that are recovering have been clean for 20 odd years. They have totally turned their lives around and they are so open about their addiction. I am very confident they will never drink again.

I also know someone who is an addiction counsellor and through them I have come to understand it is very possible to control an addiction.

I would be more interested in why they used drugs and alcohol. Lots of people self medicate with alcohol and or drugs.

I also have a friend who was an alcoholic and hasn't drunk in about 20 years but not they are a workaholic. I think they substitute alcohol with work.

I used to work in this area. And yes I would. I couldn’t have more respect for recovered addicts, his commitment is commendable as well.

I’d make one promise to yourself and him one relapse and your gone, your immediately out.

But ultimately anyone could fall into addiction- gambling, alcohol, prescription drugs, I even met a guy whose addiction to cough medicine had ruined his life.

Hmm

I personally wouldnt, and I am not trying to sound glib, because wouldnt give up alcohol.

Concerns:
Youre 29? Hes 40?
You say youre unsure about kids - i would conclude that you want them then and proceed on that basis.
He is abstinent? How long has he been that for then?
Are you in eachothers lives properly? Do you know his friends and family? Whats his support system? They will prop him up should you have kids
What do you need from a man? I personally need someone strong and a leader and protector - i dont think you'd get that here, not that thats what you want ofc

Pros
He has been very honest which not all men do. This shows how serious he takes himself and his sobriety
He has done amazingly and should be so proud

Xx

No. Having had far too much experience of being in a relationship with an addict, it would be a total deal breaker for me, even with someone who says they've been sober 10 years. I'd always be waiting for the day he succumbed again.
There are other men who are just as nice without the baggage and closer in age to you, throw this one back, he is too much of risk to gamble your future happiness on.

I’m in a relationship and have children with someone with a history of addiction. I hadn’t ever managed to fall in love with anyone else, so I took the risk. So far it’s worth it, he’s the kindest most interesting person I know. But it’s a stress, and it’s a particularly wearing kind of stress that something completely outside your control could upend everything in your life. So.. I would, I did. But if you let this man go then you might have a much easier happier life. And yes the age gap does make it sound even more of a risk.

Heroin, no I’m afraid I wouldn’t because it’s very difficult never to relapse. Bitter experience. I lost what had been a good relationship because my partner had a relapse back on to heroin. It’s extremely addictive and one little life blip can cause the person to be hooked again.

I lived with two addicts before I left home at seventeen to get away. My dad is an alcoholic, now in recovery, and my sister started to do drink and do drugs at twelve. She went into rehab at eighteen and has been clean/ sober since. My dad got sober without AA or any support really. My sister still goes to NA/ AA.
There are no words to express how damaging it was for me living with addicts. Some of my worst memories of them were years and even decades into their recovery.
Sometimes addiction is just one symptom or facet of some very deep seated issues. I know many people in recovery who can talk the talk very very well but behind closed doors, it’s a very different story.
So, no, under no circumstances would I date someone like you have described.
You sound too young and naive. I would be very concerned that he’s not giving you an accurate picture of himself. The list of things he’s been addicted to is worrying, especially the heroin.
Ho did you meet him?

Honestly no. I have seen with close family how difficult it can be

I know several people in long term recovery (20+ years) who still attend meetings. Your personal experience may be that you don’t want to, but continued attendance isn’t automatically at risk of relapse. Almost every person I know in recovery also describes themselves as recovering rather than recovered. Some people would argue that it not attending makes you more at risk of relapsing. Personally I don’t think either are true, people are different.

10 years ... He's got it under control. But be very clear that if he slipped that would be it for you

It is not that simple. My partner had been clean for more than 10 years and he relapsed. It took me a very long time to realise. He hid it from me. Deception is part of the disease. You wouldn’t believe the lies they come up with. The whole thing envelopes you as well as the addict. He was hiding drugs in my house.

The other thing for me was the underworld of people they get involved with via drug addiction (dealers) which is an everyday part of the thing. That is not pleasant.

Now, imagine what would happen if all of this stuff was going on and you had children?

This.

You’re not even 30 and you’re entertaining a relationship with a middle-aged ex-addict?

Do you have self-esteem issues / a history of trauma? It’s pretty unusual to have such low self-worth that you would think this is in any way a suitable relationship.

I didnt see the 11 year age gap, completely missed that. Tbh no i wouldnt go there. Especially as you would like children. Sorry op, move on. Youre so young

I think it might be good to listen to pp's saying that addicts have a way with words and manipulation. I fell for it, didn't listen, well I didn't want to know really, I wanted to prove them wrong. He proved them right. He was still using, drinking, lying. We proceeded to have a child. Eventually he put both (me and child) our lives in danger, when because of the long term drug use he became psychotic and paranoid. It is hell on earth, having bought a house with this person, having a toddler together, and him blaming me for made up things. Having to escape my house, with our child, letting him stay there, completely destroying our house, because he couldn't see reality.
Your new man probably is different, as he does recognize his issues and knows he needs to work on them, which sounds like a green flag.
But it might also be a little truth, to hide a big lie. Make you soft for him, want to help him, be proud of him. And then he will use your feelings to get you where he wants to.
What worries me deeply is why he decided to stick a needle in his arm, with heroin. This is such a leep, such a different world, what is it in him that made him decide to yes I'll do it, and again. It is a step beyond drink, lsd, coke, speed, up the nose, throat. Heroïn can be smoked, but he used a needle. I really want to know what more experienced posters think of this? Am I off in thinking this way?

@Ventosauris I don’t think you’re wrong. I think there is a big difference between having gotten sober after problematic use of a single substance and problematic use of a range of different substances with escalating intensity.

Lots of people can get into a pattern of drinking more than is good for them, relying on pot to relax or getting into a pattern of taking painklllers.

I don’t move in circles where cocaine is readily available so to me a past cocaine addiction would be a level of substance use that would be an instant no. Someone who had been into IV drug use is so far outside what I consider a normal and healthy way of living that there’s no way I’d ever go there.

I would also add that all addicts have pretty compelling sob stories and / or hero stories. It is part of the package.

Also, I might disagree with "making him very clear if he relapses you are done". Addiction has nothing to do with you, rules like this will probably make him lie to you when something does happen

What worries me deeply is why he decided to stick a needle in his arm, with heroin. This is such a leep, such a different world, what is it in him that made him decide to yes I'll do it, and again.

Is it? Plenty of people choose to use weight loss injections. Obviously an entirely different purpose, and legal, but it's still sticking a needle in yourself. Plus some people like insulin dependent diabetics, people going through fertility treatment have to inject themselves. I'm not sure it's that big a leap.

Of course it is. Heroin addicts often share needles. I had to have an HIV test after discovering my partner was using again. The reason they share needles is that they reach a point where they don’t actually care about anything other than using. All concerns about their health and relationships go out of the window. Nothing matters except scoring the next hit.

Please don’t try to minimise the utter devastation of heroin addiction by comparing it to people using weight loss injections.

This is a nonsense argument. You might was well say that plenty of people drink fluids like an alcoholic drinks alcohol!

I’m still wondering if he is in full time employment with a solid work history as that would go some way to demonstrating if he is likely to stay clean or not.

I’m on the fence as it’s such a mix of substances but also a long time clean
i am in a relationship with an alcoholic, he’s 5 years sober and working FT and goes to meetings 3 times a week which I don’t ever interrupt, we plan stuff around his meetings. But I am very aware he could relapse at any time

No.

Never.

No. My ex was a former addict, and although he never relapsed with drugs or alcohol, he replaced them with other addictions, in his case it was video games and porn.