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Original poster

Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

355 replies

RedflagGreenflag · 27/07/2026 17:50

I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

OP posts:
Aquamint · Today 08:37

RedflagGreenflag · 29/07/2026 14:52

Do others agree there was no mitigating the rape GIF even if, when he sent it, he was feeling annoyed with me or having doubts about us? I had not done anything more than calmly ask if we were ok after an arguement and a week apart. He seemed to view that as me questioning the relationship and was clearly irritated with me .

It seems like the rape gif was meant to hurt you emotionally so that was either incredibly unkind or abusive.

Some of his behaviour might have been down to nervousness, but that doesn't excuse it. Comments along the lines of "My annoying ex did ... " are definitely controlling and meant to manipulate you into changing your behaviour.

PetulaGordeno · Today 08:52

RedflagGreenflag · Today 08:08

@PetulaGordenothank you and I’m really pleased you met someone lovely. Do you
mind me asking what sort of volunteering you did? I understand if you don’t want to say.

I would rather not say if that’s okay but it as something local a friend invited me to do.
Not something I’d considered before.
It was a great experience anyway I met some lovely people.
One of my friends who was in a similar spot joined a community choir and met a really nice guy there.
I mean you can meet an arsehole anywhere, sometimes they get involved to ‘do good’ but you can spot one a mile off with a trained eye.
The minute one mentions childhood trauma then I’m off, and that’s not to say they don’t have it. But most people who have been through it have to really trust you to open up.
Ones who deliver it up like a day old sandwich three conversations in…. next!

Original poster
RedflagGreenflag · Today 09:56

@PetulaGordenothat is interesting re the early disclosure of childhood trauma. He mentioned it in very early messaging, before we had met. I’d asked if he was separated or divorced and he wrote quite a long explanation and chose to say he had left the mother of his child because they were arguing badly and, having grown up in a DV household, he didn’t want the child to see or hear anything. At the time, I did feel that was quite a big disclosure to a stranger. He could have simply said that the relationship wasn’t working so it was better for everyone for them to separate. He also said that he wears his heart on his sleeve so is just very open. Despite this, when shouting at me in bed right before dumping me, he yelled “There are things about me that my ex wife will never know and that you will never know…. and you won’t like that!” I thought this sounded overly dramatic and immature but it was very unpleasant to experience at the time. I had to get up and leave the room as it was overwhelming. So yes, I’ll be wary of over-sharers in future. It didn’t sit right with me but I told myself it was good that he was open and honest. And I felt for him too… that disclosure activated my nurturing side.

OP posts:
Beachlover1993 · Today 10:09

RedflagGreenflag · 27/07/2026 17:50

I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

After reading only a few lines, he sounds crude

category12 · Today 11:40

It didn’t sit right with me but I told myself it was good that he was open and honest. And I felt for him too… that disclosure activated my nurturing side.

Yes, this is the intended effect. Hard to question or reject someone who is seemingly vulnerable and putting trust in you.

Yet he probably plays the same tune with every potential partner.

It seems like you've been trying to talk yourself out of perfectly good instincts.

Women often have that internal and social expectation to be nice/sympathetic/nurturing, and to give men chanceto even when their gut is telling them otherwise.

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