Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

[RedflagGreenflag]

I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

RedflagGreenflag · 29/07/2026 14:52

Do others agree there was no mitigating the rape GIF even if, when he sent it, he was feeling annoyed with me or having doubts about us? I had not done anything more than calmly ask if we were ok after an arguement and a week apart. He seemed to view that as me questioning the relationship and was clearly irritated with me .

It seems like the rape gif was meant to hurt you emotionally so that was either incredibly unkind or abusive.

Some of his behaviour might have been down to nervousness, but that doesn't excuse it. Comments along the lines of "My annoying ex did ... " are definitely controlling and meant to manipulate you into changing your behaviour.

I would rather not say if that’s okay but it as something local a friend invited me to do.
Not something I’d considered before.
It was a great experience anyway I met some lovely people.
One of my friends who was in a similar spot joined a community choir and met a really nice guy there.
I mean you can meet an arsehole anywhere, sometimes they get involved to ‘do good’ but you can spot one a mile off with a trained eye.
The minute one mentions childhood trauma then I’m off, and that’s not to say they don’t have it. But most people who have been through it have to really trust you to open up.
Ones who deliver it up like a day old sandwich three conversations in…. next!

@PetulaGordenothat is interesting re the early disclosure of childhood trauma. He mentioned it in very early messaging, before we had met. I’d asked if he was separated or divorced and he wrote quite a long explanation and chose to say he had left the mother of his child because they were arguing badly and, having grown up in a DV household, he didn’t want the child to see or hear anything. At the time, I did feel that was quite a big disclosure to a stranger. He could have simply said that the relationship wasn’t working so it was better for everyone for them to separate. He also said that he wears his heart on his sleeve so is just very open. Despite this, when shouting at me in bed right before dumping me, he yelled “There are things about me that my ex wife will never know and that you will never know…. and you won’t like that!” I thought this sounded overly dramatic and immature but it was very unpleasant to experience at the time. I had to get up and leave the room as it was overwhelming. So yes, I’ll be wary of over-sharers in future. It didn’t sit right with me but I told myself it was good that he was open and honest. And I felt for him too… that disclosure activated my nurturing side.

After reading only a few lines, he sounds crude

It didn’t sit right with me but I told myself it was good that he was open and honest. And I felt for him too… that disclosure activated my nurturing side.

Yes, this is the intended effect. Hard to question or reject someone who is seemingly vulnerable and putting trust in you.

Yet he probably plays the same tune with every potential partner.

It seems like you've been trying to talk yourself out of perfectly good instincts.

Women often have that internal and social expectation to be nice/sympathetic/nurturing, and to give men chanceto even when their gut is telling them otherwise.

OP he really does sound awful. Constantly mentioning his ex-wife is just so lame. The rubbish really has taken itself out with this one. You have dodged a bullet

@PinkMagpieyes he mentioned her loads and I’m wondering if he was actually over her. He kind of rejected me sexually one evening when we hadn’t seen each other for two weeks and was quite cold. When I tried to calmly discuss it, I just got a court room argument stating that I had said I was tired after work and when his ex wife said that, it meant she did not want sex. Again, this conversation occurred in bed. He then randomly mentioned an actress he thought was beautiful which made me feel even worse. There was no attempt to understand that I might have felt a bit rejected. That is what triggered his annoyance and he ended up raising his voice at me whilst I was half naked in my own bed. Then he ended it in a very harsh way and left but made sure to have the last word as he went. It was a horrible experience and that was the day he had sent me the horrible GIF so I felt on edge before he even arrived.

Yes the mentioning celebs is all part of narcissistic triangulation. The same as mentioning his ex. All designed to make you feel not good enough or like you are somehow in competition with the other person for his affections.

Your entire thread has been you questioning what he did, how he behaved, whether he was reasonable or not…

Kindly OP, stop thinking about him and start looking in a mirror. This is fundamentally about you and your boundaries, your sense of self-worth. Somewhere along the line, somebody convinced you that this kind of dickhead was the best you could hope for in life.

It’s great that you’re doing therapy but I honestly don’t think you should be dating at all until you’ve learned to value yourself more. Any man who comes into your life should complement it, not be an emotional crutch for you. It sounds like you’re desperate to be loved and that’s causing you to make really poor choices.

I’d second the recommendation of the Freedom Programme.

@PinotPonythank you. I agree with the fact that I need to focus on me now. Also, I’m possibly misunderstanding this one point but I don’t think I used this man as an emotional crutch; if anything, it was usually me listening to his problems and offering support. Perhaps you mean that I shouldn’t get validation from a man which I agree with. I do struggle now with feeling hopeless about meeting someone better than this as it seems the pickings are so slim in your 40s. That is probably why I overlooked so much with him.

As I’ve said upthread, what I’ve struggled most with was feeling like it was my fault this brief relationship failed because he blamed me. So this thread was about getting outside opinions on some of his behaviours.

Completely agree!

It's a mistake to overlook things and lower your standards.

Better alone than badly accompanied. Always.

Otherwise you end up with situations where quite a dire, gross bloke has the opportunity to dump you, which only trashes your self-esteem further. I have a friend who gave a chance to someone she wouldn't normally go for, and it really backfired when he treated her abysmally.

Keep your standards high and don't give chances.

Just a little update.
I recently went to a sexual health clinic. I was asked whether there had been any non-consensual sex in my last relationship, and the question took me completely by surprise. I became upset and ended up mentioning what I detailed in this thread.
I was then encouraged to speak to a specialist nurse, who listened to me and has signposted me to some other organisations/services I can contact to discuss my options. I haven’t contacted them yet.
The two incidents are detailed earlier in this thread. The first was when he entered me without a condom the first time we had sex. At the time I explained it away as him genuinely being confused about what I wanted and making a very bad judgement in the moment. I still think this was confusion on his part but still not acceptable.
The second was when I was blackout drunk and have no memory of most of the sex. The next day he knew I didn’t remember what had happened, and he also knew that other people could potentially have seen us. He laughed about that afterwards. I explained that away too.

What has made me look back at both incidents differently is the rape GIF he sent me towards the end of the relationship, when he was annoyed with me. He knew about my previous experience of sexual assault, and I found the GIF deeply upsetting. Looking back at everything together has made me wonder whether I should have some of these incidents formally documented.

I want to be clear that I don’t want to make an official report against him, and I don’t want to destroy his career. His career means an enormous amount to him (he told me he was suicidal when his ex threatened to report him for financial abuse as he needs a perfect record for his job), and I’m very conflicted about the possibility that anything I do could have professional consequences for him. I also haven’t yet spoken to the organisations I’ve been signposted to, so I don’t really know what the options are or what “having something documented” would actually mean in practice.
I suppose what I’m struggling with is whether it would be wrong to have these incidents formally documented if there is any possibility that it could ultimately affect his career. I don’t want to punish him, but I also don’t want my fear of what might happen to him to mean that I don’t properly acknowledge what happened to me.
I’d be interested in people’s thoughts, particularly from anyone who has experience of the distinction between documenting something, seeking advice, and making a formal report.

I think your best bet would be to get trauma therapy which is based around you. You don’t owe this man anything he is a manipulative arsehole.
Stop worrying about documenting, you can still get help without naming him. I do understand as women we have a responsibility to other women so I hope another poster with experience around Claire’s Law can offer advice.
After my experiences I got help for myself without any contact or reference to the man in question.
The trauma therapy and EMDR was what helped.

@PetulaGordenothank you. The nurse mentioned a referral for some therapy around sexual violence. I’m glad you found it helpful.

I’m not sure if what he did is “bad enough” to be documented.

I say this every time: do Burned Haystacks Dating Method, join the Facebook group, you wouldn't even have bothered dating this man due to his red flags (mentioning sex before meeting when you are meeting to develop a relationship). It was all there pre the first date, you were just blind to it.

Honestly, if you don't do this you are destined to repeat this awfulness, and then you are wasting time with inappropriate, sleazy, weird men when you could be finding a much nicer guy to spend your time with.

I'm also sorry he did those things to you, he sounds totally inappropriate and at the very least sexually incontinent and at worst a rapist, please please do get support for this, and if you do decide to date, use BHDM as a pre-screen, I used it and it got rid of 95% of the dating pool, but the ones left were all appropriate, fun, friendly guys and I am in a long-term relationships with one of them.

Stop worrying about the word documented.
It is your experiences to explore at your own pace.
What he did was horrific believe me.
But it’s time for you to heal.
If you disclose anything in therapy it is confidential. All of my experiences will be in my therapists notes somewhere and that’s where they stay.
One thing I learned is to stop worrying about making a fuss, was it that bad, was it my fault, what about him?

Maybe my question is this: would it be morally wrong to go ahead with making a formal record of this if it could cost him his career?

@TheSunBeatsDown thanks. I have bought the BHDM book and read it now!
Glad the method worked for you. He would definitely have been a B2B before meeting for sexual jokes and asking for humility .

He knows what would jeopardise his career.
He did it anyway.
If he doesnt care enough about his career to not do things he knows might jeopardise it, then you dont need to worry about him losing it, do you? He clearly doesnt care enough to avoid doing the completely optional, shitty things that might cost him it.

Bare minimum human behaviour. Eww i got the ick reading the original op. He sounds like hes got a mental age of 15 years old. Whats the smallest dick youve seen? What instrument do you play- oh my pink oboe 🍆 and chatting about his ex whilst your shagging him???? Really 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes, I suppose the consequences are not for me to decide really.

I want to ask if you don’t mind why you are so worried about recording things?
Going to visit or have therapy from a specialist therapist is not the same as going to the police and reporting abuse and rape. The second would involve his name.
I think worrying about him and the consequences for him are stopping you in your tracks.
There have been a few threads on here recently two women who are being raped in the here and now and one has told her therapist. She has not gone to the police, she is just trying to cope.
Your relationship with this awful man is over. Personally I wouldn’t go to the police, not because he is worth saving, but because I would want to move forwards. I would not want him connected to me in any way.
A sexual trauma therapist will understand all of your worries and concerns and will reassure you more than any of us. They deal with such awful stories all day, every day.
They won’t judge, or force any issue, they are there to listen and help you reflect so that you can heal.
You can explore why you put up with some of this (I am not including assaults) and how you can rebuild your confidence and your in boundaries so you never go through this again.

OP, I was disgusted reading that list. I didn't even finish it.

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that

YES. God!!

It's natural to want to pair up, but having read that, I would caution you to not get into a relationship with a man. I don't think you're able to keep yourself safe because you have such little faith in your own intuition or aversion that you need to come here to have reassurance on things that were very obvious. You've become used to silencing or ignoring your own alarm bells, and that's not good.

This man sounded ignorant, nasty, and slimey. The typical 'lad' type. Is that what you're attracted to in men??