Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

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I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

Not emotional deafness OP. He was a manipulative, controlling, abusive man. Stop excusing his actions. As for the first time of you having sex and him entering you without consent he was probably scared you were going to report him for rape. That's why he cried.

Get some proper specialised therapy aimed at DA victims, and do The Freedom Programme. What the hell happened to you to make you excuse such horrendous behaviour from him??

Take it as a huge compliment that he dumped you. He couldn’t make you shrink yourself enough to suit him.

Another poor woman now has to endure his piss poor attempts at foreplay and his shit jokes

Make sure he stays blocked OP. You have dodged a huge bullet

Thank you for the lovely comments . He really got under my skin for some reason, probably the lovebombing-type behaviours and very early disclosure of his difficult childhood etc. I’m not saying I was perfect in the relationship either but I can see now that there were genuine reasons for my anxiety.

'And I genuinely believe it was not said maliciously but was just another example of a total empathy failure.'

Can you say why you genuinely believe this of him?

Maybe it's the case that this thread has helped you to begin putting the pieces together but now leaving it behind and seeking (deep) therapy is what comes next.

That's what lovebombing is designed to do.

I think a rule of thumb is that if you're feeling confused, wrongfooted or second-guessing yourself in a relationship, then there's something toxic in it.

@Dreamcatcherat50just my assessment of him having known him for a few months. He has questioned if he is on the autistic spectrum and, whilst I’m not saying this is true of everyone with autism, he did seem to struggle with reading cues, empathy, being overly blunt etc. as I said, he made a friend’s wife cry by saying something really insensitive to her (he couldn’t recall the details!) and it was bad enough that his friend had to call him and request that he apologise. He offended a colleague too by loudly expressing derision at a particular name and it turned out to be her son’s name. He seems to be the type to just state things bluntly without much thought of how it could land and he was incredibly harsh with me when he broke up with me…. knowing I was really upset but just blaming me for things not working out. I think a defensive, petty streak comes out when he feels threatened…. he explained that he had called his ex the “fat old witch” name because he felt blind-sided by how fast she was moving to get the divorce done (by the time she told him she was done, she had already worked out a financial plan for buying him out of the house etc). Overall, I read him as emotionally immature, insecure and defensive rather than purposefully cruel or dangerous. As a PP said, the impact is still significant even if the intent is not malice.

If you send a rape gif to someone the intent is always malice op. I know you want to think of him as socially awkward but he sounds like a standard manipulator imo. Of course it benefits them to have people THINK they are just socially inept so that excuses will be made for them. So that there’s just enough doubt that their hurtful behaviour could just be tactless. Meaning that people give them more chances than they should.

Oversharing early on is another big red flag. It is designed to rush intimacy. It also makes you more inclined to over share with them, including your vulnerabilities which, surprise surprise they then - later use to hurt you,

@Sodthesystemthank you for your replies.

I still keep thinking about the GIF and wondering how he could have thought it was ok to send that. Did he just think it was rough porn and not understand that is looks like assault? As I said, only her face was visible, on the floor and head turned to the side. She was definitely grimacing in pain and I think, but not sure, had tears running down her face. I know that unfortunately there is lots of violent porn like this. I’ve also explained the context upthread…. this was a response to a sweet message from me. He had never sent anything like this before. My brain still keeps wondering if i miscounted it… that he was viewing it as rough but consensual sex rather than seeing it as representing assault. I’m sure he thought this was just dark humour . But i had told him about my own sexual assault (which had police involved) on our 3rd date. He absolutely knew about that.

Have a little stop there.

Why would you, or any woman, want to be with a man who thinks rape, a woman's pain and degradation, is funny?

He sent it to you because he was pissed off with you and wanted to freak you out.

He might have lied and claimed he thought it was funny, but there's actually no context where it is funny. It's about a woman being assaulted and her bodily autonomy taken away.

It's no coincidence he actually ignored proper consent with you at least twice.

@category12i do see what you’re saying. But it was an image from porn so hopefully the woman in the image consented. I guess the point is that the image represents degradation, even if it was consensual.

And when I did tell him, after the relationship was over, that I had found the image upsetting, he just said he didn’t want to discuss the past and was closing the door on further communication.

I think we can agree he was a horribly unpleasant man at least.

Yes, it’s best to be very careful in future not to tell men about things like sexual assault or bad past relationships early on. I would avoid telling them entirely to be honest. When possible.

Exposing a vulnerability to a potential predator is always a huge risk.

I get that some people you just feel safe enough with to do so. But this guy sounds like he just love bombed it out of you.

It doesn't matter if it was ethically produced and she was an actress. He didn't give a shit about that, I bet. I bet not one moment of thought was put into that by him.

He was trying to upset or trigger you and/or he thinks rape is hilarious.

Neither makes him a good man.

Added to which, he penetrated you without consent and had sex with you when you were too drunk to consent.

Neither makes him a good or trustworthy man.

I meant, maybe he wasn’t seeing an image of rape but an image of rough sex.

And what makes that better in the context of sending it to you in anger?

He wasn't sending it to you to make you laugh or arouse you.

That's not any better. That's just the excuse he'd give you i bet. Stop trying to get him off the hook he put himself on with his behaviour. He wanted to hurt you, he doesn't care if other women are hurt! He's fine with that. More than fine, I suspect. He ignored your boundaries don't forget. And the being blunt, socially awkward stuff? I always think it's so odd that people who blurt out these things - its never nice things is it? They never blurt out compliments! It's always really shitty stuff! He's a dick and he's done you the biggest favour. Trash took itself out.

You do know that a lot of young women in porn are trafficked?
So many are abused as children, damaged, there are drugs involved?
While some do consent but it’s a very dangerous and murky world. If he’s got it from porn there will be a young woman who will be, at the very least, very, very damaged and he’s sending it as some sort of joke?
Please stop minimising.

OK, but lets pretend for a second he didn't think it was an image of rape.

Still, why did he send it? What possible reason would he have to send you porn? Any sort of porn?

You seem to be tying yourself up in knots to avoid acknowledging that this guy was a grade-A twat. Why?

I'm out.

Get help. If indeed you are the victim and not the c*nt who did all of this to someone.

There were other good things about him too; he made sure to get the mother of his child Xmas, birthday and Mothers’ Day gifts from the kid, even though he and his ex are not on good terms. Her parents apparently really like him. He went on a date with a woman and despite knowing he wouldn’t want to see her again, took her and her dog to the vet as the dog was having a seizure at the end of the date. His child has some special needs and he was engaged in finding the best ways to support her.

I suppose it was things like this which made me overlook the other stuff. And why I am still questioning myself now.

@RedflagGreenflag these are good things but they are normal behaviours for a decent person. They are outweighed by all of the negatives you have shared here. No one is all good or all bad, but this guy definitely has a terrible attitude to women

Op I was reading all your posts waiting to see where you said he ended it. Ss it’s hugely clear you’re still hung up on him and trying to work out why he binned you. You repeatedly defend him and even say he closed the door on getting back together, indicating you tried,

I think it’s good to think through this. Yes his behaviour in isolated context was coarse and not exactly classy stuff, and it wouldn’t be for me. I don’t have a thing for the inbetweeners, but I’d ask do you get a lot of male attention, are you lonely? Could that be why you accepted his behaviour?

Also @RedflagGreenflag i’m assuming you know about these good deeds because he told you about them? It can be easy to make yourself appear as a good person. The harder bit is being consistent with it. His behaviour and communication with you has not been consistently good at all

So yes, he buys nice presents for his ex from the kids. But also she felt the need to get her ducks in a row to leave him sharpish. That speaks volumes

@RumpledandcrumpledI didn’t ask to get back together. We were going to have a talk the day after he ended it and he messaged to warn me not to try to change his mind.

Yes, I do get male attention and dates. I like my own company but have always had low self esteem and felt unworthy of love. This man really activated my nervous system and sent me into a horrible phase of self-blame because he blamed me for things not working out. That is what I have struggled with.