Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

[RedflagGreenflag]

I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

Two separate women. Ex wife is not kids mother.

@RedflagGreenflag
This man really activated my nervous system and sent me into a horrible phase of self-blame because he blamed me for things not working out. That is what I have struggled with.

And this is why he's so toxic for you. Whatever his intentions, and it's clear you're still in the phase of wanting to see the best in him, he's sent you into a tailspin of negativity about yourself.

I've been in a similar relationship, though the man I was with wasn't anywhere near as juvenile in his behaviour as yours. The way I now know he was such bad news was that I felt literally unable to stand up to him in any meaningful way, even to answer back and so on. Whereas with other men I haven't felt the need to squash myself into nothingness. Those other men may have hurt me emotionally at times, but I was still able to make my feelings and upset known.

@TreesAtSea I’m sorry you had that experience.

For God, s sake OP, stopp making excuses for him.! %%

Ah yes, ok. I think the point still stands though? For every nice trait of his you can list there is also a less positive one

Thank you.
But my point was that when you feel so hurt by a relationship ending or going sour, it's so easy to think the hurt comes from losing someone worth having, whereas it's often the opposite.

@TreesAtSea I do see your point. Thank you. I think my whole thread has been about my self-blame really because I could see lots of good in this man and he pursued me hard and was in contact lots. But I still felt anxious and that led to some minor issues and then suddenly it was over and I was blamed. So I’ve been questioning if, good things aside, there were solid reasons for my unease that would make many people unsure. That’s not to say I don’t have anxious tendencies but I was not a clingy girlfriend demanding constant contact or reassurance etc. He still made me feel like I was too much.

But again op, these aren’t “good” things they are just basic human decency. They’re like, the bare minimum things a person should do.

You're supposed to look after your daughter. You’re supposed to help a suffering dog. You’re supposed to help your kids get their Mother’s Day present.

These aren’t special things.

And “her parents apparently really like him”. What does that even mean? That’s presumably something he felt the need to tell you, that may or may not be true but is a weird thing to make a point of telling you either way.

Yes he made a point of telling me how much the ex’s parents like him, that he gave them a lift home from the school play etc. And he also went on about how difficult the ex was, which may or may not be true .

My mum used to say to me…
Even the Kray Twins were lovely to their old mum.
I went out with someone very similar to this arsehole, just for a few months.
I had been in an awful relationship in my 20’s.
And then a bit of dating and life and other things took over.
The Arsehole swept me off my feet. But it became apparent that there was something off. He introduced me to his two young daughters who became attached to me very quickly.
One of my parents was very ill at the time and he was a good cook and he’d turn up with little cakes he’d made and everyone would think he was a saint, apart from my dad, who worked him out.
I was so distressed when it was over I thought I was going mad. His ex wife had been sectioned when they spilt up and he gleefully told me he’d gone into see her and told her was delighted as he’d get the kids.
I could be here all day.
In his work and in public he was Mr Personality and he told me I was too much all the time.
Now I can’t even bear to see a photo of him. He’s constantly fundraising for a cause close to my heart, and the charity gush about him.
It took me a few years to get over it, I described it like a feeling of being emotionally mugged.
Like your whole life was in a handbag, and some robbing arsehole had pinched it.
He finally told me he spoke for all men, and that men only care about female blood relatives. Anyone else, even a wife, is replaceable…
Every hole is a goal, Petula!
He told me when we broke up that I’d lost my looks and that 41 all I would be was a hump and dump. Charming.
Now I can look back, in a good relationship, and wonder what on earth I saw in him.
I have no idea.
But I think your brain tries to understand why you trusted a person like this, and so you look for positive evidence.

@PetulaGordenoim so sorry you had such an awful experience. I really am. That sounds horrendous.

It was awful but I wanted you to know you are not alone.
What it did teach me was to take things slower if I ever met someone else.
But I still can remember the awful feeling with you describe in your own world. It’s like someone upending your life and then blaming you.
It just takes time.

Yeah narcissists often steal your hobbies and skills and turn it into a competition. They have no real persona of their own, it’s just stuff they’ve stole from other people over the years that they’ve seen gets those people attention or, that they saw brought the person they view as their competitor some joy and so they want to crush that.

Usually you see it from a female friend or relative that’s a narcissist but partners can do it to.

It’s some fucking weird twilight zone shit.

Always on my guard for people who seem the need to one up others. You have a dingy, they have a speed boat sorts.

The Arsehole in my life lied about his degree and lied about some major qualifications, too.
And loved telling me how clever that was.
His profession was highly paid as well, and one level of pay depended on a qualification he lied about.

He likes to blow his own trumpet over average things people just do.

Of course you're nice to the in-laws, of course you help someone out, of course you help your kids buy a card. It doesn't make you exceptional.

The fact he thinks it's exceptional and praise-worthy just shows what an arsehole he is, that those things are a big deal to him.

It's pretty worrying that you apparently agree they are a big deal, because it just makes me think you've only known horrendous men who would be nasty and neglectful to relatives and animals.

There are far better men out there. Who don't expect medals for basic decency.

Tiannamen Square called, they'd like the red flags back please.

This did make me laugh. How I wish I had a time machine.

He also listed “humility” as a quality he was looking for in a partner on the dating apps. This struck me as odd. Of all the qualities you could choose, why ask for humility?

Basically want someone who will second guess themselves and whether or not they are in the wrong (when it’s him that’s been the asshole).

Seriously?? This guy’s a freak, he’s a wrong’un at every level and it was there in plain sight. You’ve had a lucky escape.

Exactly.

Because he means “low self-esteem” and “ability to doubt themselves” in order for him to control and gaslight.

It’s actually a great job description from the cunt.

He said he meant someone who is “down to earth” by “humility” but no I know that word is a Block 2 Burn in Burned Haystack Method

OP, he's a class A dickhead and you know it. Some people are.

Actually, he said he wanted “some one who doesn’t think they are better than other people like my ex did.”