Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

[RedflagGreenflag]

I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

She undoubtedly was better than him.

He wrote that on his profile and you still matched with him.

Someone so seething with rage at their ex that they put that on a dating profile.

Op please tell me you are done online dating now.
I’m scared you’re going to become a statistic.

OP you made a great decision to end the relationship. Don't doubt yourself. He sounds unbelievably immature. And gross. The good stuff in no way outweighs the bad stuff. Well done you in deciding not to carry on with him!

Right? It was there in plain sight.

I mean there are all sorts of weirdos out there and they can easily catch you unaware,but to cheerfully invite one into your life when it’s there in black and white seems deeply unwise.

@Sodthesystemno. He stated on his profile he was looking for someone with “humility.” I asked him, before meeting, why he had chosen that as a quality in a potential partner. He said he meant he wanted someone who did not think they were better than anyone else as his ex had thought highly of herself/felt she was better than others. I did tell him that the word “humility” had given me pause and he was then very embarrassed and removed that from his profile.

The very fact he mentioned his ex like that early on is a red flag. The fact he mentioned her in an unfavourable light is a red flag. And of course the call for humility is a third red flag.

It’s unfortunate you called him on it. If you hadn’t then maybe he would have left it there and it would have warned off other women.

But you understand these things are red flags now right? You’ll be able to spot things like this in future?

@Sodthesystemyes I shouldn’t have called him on it as now he can hide that. At the time, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to understand exactly what he meant. It is possible that someone could interpret “humility” as “down to earth” but I recall him definitely saying he meant it int he sense of someone not thinking they were better than others. I now view this as part of his insecurity; he told me early on he never feels good enough, is more comfortable with criticism and pain than praise and that he felt he was punching with me. He was actually hypersensitive to perceived criticism.

@RedflagGreenflag yes. I bet he's sensitive to criticism. I just bet he is. He wants a woman who is a tiny, subservient shell with no personality or needs of her own. That's why saying you were too much is such a glaring self-own. Every woman would be, as far as he is concerned. He's an absolute piece of work.

Hmm I don’t know. When I questioned the humility thing, he said he doesn’t want a tradwife and actually wanted someone who would occasionally put him in his place .

Yes op but you do understand what people say and the truth aren’t always the same thing right?

@Sodthesystemi do. And actually, when I told him to stop talking over me when he was angry, he said I sounded like his mother and stormed off.

@RedflagGreenflag why do you need this guy to be a good guy?

He isn’t. We’re all saying he isn’t. He’s just about performing basic human decency functions as a father etc, while also being, overwhelmingly, an overtly manipulative, bigoted, nasty arsehole.

Why do you need to defend him? Genuine question - sit with that feeling and think about where it comes from. Were you brought up to feel that it ‘wasn’t kind’ to constructively criticise other people’s behaviour or express discomfort with things they did? Were you taught to be grateful for any attention anyone showed you? Did you have a parent who made excuses for the behaviour of your other parent? Was anyone in your family an addict?

No need to answer - just sit with these thoughts and be curious.

That reads to me as “submission”.

I’ll never understand him and it is fruitless to try to. He didn’t seem to want submission in many ways eg he was quite passive in bed and was happy for me to plan and organise most things and choose what film to watch etc. Laziness maybe? But yes, very sensitive and defensive to perceived criticism. I want to forget him but he has made me worry I am too much or too emotional for relationships.

This guy HATES women

So. Exactly. What he says and what he does are totally different things. What he does shows you who he is. PP are right - why do you stand up for him? This thread is pretty unanimous about him and his nasty ways. And you aren't too much at all. This isn't you, it's him. It's him. Horrible manipulative tosser that he is.

He is immature, has no self awareness and a bit dim. Don’t be desperate. He isn’t worth your time.

Isn’t most male violence and aggression down to their fragile egos?

Most likely it’s not you. He sounds awful.

I’ve never claimed to be perfect but he put 100 percent of the blame for it not working on me. I can see more clearly now that there were reasons for me to have felt insecure around him.

Jesus wept.

Thank you. I am thinking about all this. I do understand many of the negatives but still don’t see how he was manipulative. Even his love bombing-type behaviours seemed like immature excitement rather than something sinister.

‘seemed like’ is the key phrase here. How someone appears isn’t necessarily how they are - ted bundy ‘seemed like’ a nice guy but he was actually a serial killer.

Even if this guy’s behaviour was ‘immature excitement’, why do you think that’s ok or all that you deserve? Don’t you deserve an adult partner who can meet you on your level and who can behave appropriately?

He was terrifyingly manipulative and it’s an important lesson to learn so that it’s never to be repeated. Blaming the failure of a relationship on another human being is the final act of control.
He’s off living his life and you are still analysing what you did wrong.
Immature excitement is not inserting your penis into a woman who when she’s not consented and it’s not wanted at that time.
That last sting in the tail that you are ‘too much’ has really hurt but I can promise you that you aren’t.
I was told the same and when I came out the other end I realised it was ridiculous.
It is a waste of your precious time mulling over shitty words from a shitty man.
But sitting there going over it constantly is just a road to nowhere.
I thought one day - I’m not having this. I’m a decent, loving person who is not perfect but I am okay. And it means getting a bit tough with yourself as well and learning to trust in yourself and your own instincts.
You are not too much but the constant hand wringing over this makes you small and it makes it hard for people who care about you to enjoy your company. Again I know because one brave friend told me.
Your mind is stuck in this groove. Do you want to be sitting there in 5 years thinking the same?
You have to take responsibility not for him but for you and your life. You have to. Nobody is going to do that for you. You have to learn to believe in yourself.
I did it by small acts every day. Buying a magazine. Going for a coffee. Sticking on a sheet mask in front of my favourite film. Meeting my friends a bit more.
Then I started volunteering and nothing takes you out of your own head more than doing something in a team which helps others.
I did meet someone there and we started off as friends. I didn’t have my life together. Heading for 50, caring for a terminally ill parent, my own health issues could have classed me as too much. But my friend accepted me and I did the same.
That was a decade ago. Still together.
But my one lesson was this and another friend said it to me - nobody is coming to save you.
At some point you have to move your mind on a little to replace that awful noise, Once you start doing it one day you will look back and think - he was an arsehole. And I’m not!

@PetulaGordenothank you and I’m really pleased you met someone lovely. Do you
mind me asking what sort of volunteering you did? I understand if you don’t want to say.