Consistently Ignored by SIL in whatsapp group

[BellaElla123]

I am in a inlaw whatsapp group and one member, my sister in law, consistently ignores my posts/photos and gushes (and I mean gushes!) on everyone elses. It's like she is making an ingroup with the other members of the group and excluding me. I am nearly sure she is jealous of me for a number of reasons, mostly that we are well off, can afford holidays abroad etc. That is ok, I can understand that, she is very insecure. But I don't know how to deal with her posts/photos going forward.. Should I ignore/comment on hers? My husband says to keep being kind and stick to my values, not to let it upset me. But it's so mean spirited and I comment /like through gritted teeth. What would you do?

Do we have the same SIL?!

It used to really irritate me, but now I just laugh it off as the only one looking silly is her as it's so pointed.

My husband shared a joke about wives - can't remember the context, but she obviously took that as an opportunity to have a dig at me. Within a minute of him posting she had posted NICE ONE LITTLE BRO! and then shared a photo of her with my husband. It was so cringey.

I just ignore her now on there. I've not got the mental energy for her and inbetween visits I've now grey rocked - best thing ever!

She's warm and pleasant to you in person. What more can you want?

Messaging is a nightmare for relationships. There's no tone of voice, facial expression or body language to assist with interpreting the words (or lack of) on the screen. It seems that she uses the WhatsApp more for her immediate family contact, and that's okay. Everyone uses social media differently.

You're taking an absence of conversation personally when there's really no need for it. Analysing how many likes she gives her parents and siblings compared to you, is on the way to paranoia.

This! She wants you to notice this and be irritated, annoyed, upset, whatever. The best possible response from you is to act as if you haven't even noticed. Channel this vibe if you've ever watched Mad Men (it's not true in that scene but the character carries it off like a boss)

Yes, this. Love matching energy.

She is actively going out of her way to not cheer on me but doing it for everyone else.

How do you actively not do something? And how do you know it's deliberate?

What are you wanting her to cheer you on about? Maybe she was busy when the conversation was about you, and it had moved on when she returned to the chat?

Matching energy is a phrase I'm sick of hearing. Matching energy, in Mumsnet terms, just ends in a stalemate where nothing evolves or improves. It really isn't the answer to everything.

It's the answer to women feeling they ought to to make an effort with people who don't make that effort with them. Which happens a lot. If you don't like it, feel free not to do it! Another way of viewing a 'stalemate' would be 'level playing field'..

To me that’s worse and smacks of cowardice.
SIL can only be rude in the messages but not to OP’s face.

OP brought this here so I’m assuming she wants diverse opinions.

It has taken me years of personal experience of bullies - covert and otherwise to come to this position and I’m well beyond the stage where I excuse rude or bad behaviour.

Honestly, consider your SIL as a bystander. You are friendly when you need to be but excuse yourself when it gets too much.
So what if she doesn’t like your posts? You are not posting for her.
You continue to live the best version of your life, the one that makes you happy. Take the photos, post the photos, make the suggestion whatever it may be. Do it joyfully and don’t let anyone else remove your peace.
My experience has been that negative people (or joy suckers) are actually very sad, unhappy, malcontents. They won’t change for you so, keep on living life in your way and let her be the Eeyore she chooses to be.

SIL can only be rude in the messages but not to OP’s face.

Where has SIL been rude in the messages? An absence of likes isn't rude. Not joining in some kind of cheerleading isn't rude. We've no way of knowing if she was even present in the chat when that happened.

This is exactly what I am going to do. Which other posters have reiterated above. Ignore the behaviour and just be myself. Thank you very much everybody for your replies everyone. I am blown away at the response and all the different views on the matter, lots of them are helping me reframe the situation, so thanks for this! See, women can be very supportive to each other, so brilliant to see. Thanks so much!

You're projecting so insanely you're going to pull a muscle. The SIL has by no stretch of the imagination treated the OP 'rudely' or badly, far less 'bullied' her. She simply hasn't put a thumbs up or a heart on the OP's family WhatsApp posts.

Are you maybe misunderstanding l am sorry you’re a bullying victim, but that’s not what this thread is about, the sil has simply not liked her messages,

That’s patronising. Becoming personal in a discussion with someone you know nothing about hardly reinforces your argument.

Do you view people who have stood up to bullying as victims or survivors?

If you don’t consider being responsive to everyone in a group - bar one person to be bullying - because it’s online - then I disagree.

Bullying can be subtle as in OP’s description. It can vary. The bully can be warm and friendly in one situation ie in front of others - then the opposite in another.

If the OP wishes to continue tolerating this situation then I am sure she will.

I was assuming she was here because she had a little problem with her husband’s opinion and was seeking different interpretations.

There are 2 sides to every story. Maybe there’s a reason - do you post a lot about your achievements? I find WhatsApp can be performative sometimes - eg people basically posting ‘look how amazing my children/house/holiday is/are’. I find it quite tedious and try to avoid it as much as possible.

Having been on the other end of this passive aggressive bollocks by family member it really isn’t nice. There is a covert jealousy and insecurity running through lots of chat groups, subtly hierarchy’s etc. If you have experienced this is in RL you will know what it’s like. Some people just won’t like you, won’t cheer you on, see you as competition instead of a potential “friend”. It’s awful when the family is close knit and do a lot of stuff together or meet often, very awkward. My SIL is quite desperate for MIL attention and validation. She was in the family for several years before me and it was established and then I came along and upset the boat . I feel for you OP, you just can’t put your finger on it but it feels off. I did remove myself as I said as this stuff doesn’t appeal to me. If I want to meet I’ll message private, if they need to talk to me then can msg me. I have a good relationship with the MIL and FIL.

When you know, you know. Women excuse other people’s behaviour so much and explain in away. It’s best ignored. Do not keep giving these people the benefit of the doubt when they show you who they are. Women are taught to be nice at their own expense. Fuck that!!

Agreed. Maybe that’s why the SIL doesn’t post much.

But you don't know. It's ridiculous, and frankly astonishing self-centred, to think that your experience is everyone else's, with no nuance involved.

Gut instinct is a powerful thing- humans are very good at reading situations, especially when people repeat behaviours.

You sound quite unhinged. I mean, by all means, do not excuse behaviour you experience as 'bad' in your own life, but there's literally nothing in anything the OP has said here that suggests that her SIL is in any way unpleasant. No one is being bullied in the scenario the OP outlines.

Errr that’s the whole point. We hear one side of the story we then draw from our own experience and give advice.

The assumption is that the op has picked up something. You could advise them to reach out and ask. Ignore and rise above it (🙄)Or they start matching the energy. I love passive aggression. So I’d recommend that personally.

Gosh, so much projection!

OP - if she is nice to irl I would try to ignore it. There are plenty of other reasons she might respond to your posts less.

It could be that she just feels closer / more interested in some of the others in the group than you but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you. She must just instinctively respond to their things and be completely unaware that she responds less to you. I think I respond more to my siblings than my in laws in our group because I care about them more, I have to actively remember to interact with the in-laws, but I certainly don’t dislike them and I’m not trying to ‘bring them down a peg’!!

Your posts may be less interesting to her than some others, or less funny - I think I like more posts showing people’s cooking efforts than those about golf - because I like cooking and find golf dull. So the golfers might think I’m not so interested in their posts - they are right! It doesn’t mean I don’t like them as people though!
Its possible your posts annoy her for some reason. One of my ILs msgs are always slightly irritating- I don’t know why and I’m sure she doesn’t mean it but they are a bit boastful at times, it’s just the way she words things and the things she chooses to share.

You might just be posting at a different time of day.

That was long - but I really would try not to let it bother you if she is nice in person!

Humans are pretty good at detecting when people don’t like them I think, you get a gut feeling….The is AI

“This gut feeling is the brain's nervous system detecting a lack of emotional safety.”

“Yes, you can often pick up on subtle digital cues that signal dislike, such as being left on read, receiving one-word replies, or experiencing sudden online avoidance”.

I think you kind of know when someone feels warm and emotionally safe and reciprocal.

Every time I see posts like this, I understand why such a significant minority of Mn is peopled by resentful outsiders standing alone at the school gates and glaring at 'cliques', and posting about loneliness and not being close to their families.