Consistently Ignored by SIL in whatsapp group

[BellaElla123]

I am in a inlaw whatsapp group and one member, my sister in law, consistently ignores my posts/photos and gushes (and I mean gushes!) on everyone elses. It's like she is making an ingroup with the other members of the group and excluding me. I am nearly sure she is jealous of me for a number of reasons, mostly that we are well off, can afford holidays abroad etc. That is ok, I can understand that, she is very insecure. But I don't know how to deal with her posts/photos going forward.. Should I ignore/comment on hers? My husband says to keep being kind and stick to my values, not to let it upset me. But it's so mean spirited and I comment /like through gritted teeth. What would you do?

We have a few family groups.

IME family groups are for announcing BBqs etc and kids achievements. Or sharing groups news re a group member. Not for asking individuals questions - that’s what private chat is for.

Ours usually consists of photos of a holiday and comment about what they have been up to. Or “bbq on Saturday the X for anyone free” followed closer to the time with “can you confirming you’re coming”. Some will say either way and some will not respond if they are busy.

I don’t keep an eye on who responds with reactions etc as it doesn’t affect my life in any way shape or form.
I turn up to events I want/ can attend and talk F2F to those who also attend.

Just let it go. Others may or not note her lack of response but what affect does it actually have on your life if she 🩷s a photo or whatever? As long as you had a good time who cares if she’s pleased that you did or not?

That doesn’t really answer the question - if you’re not friends and have nothing in common then why would she respond or react to any of your messages?

I would quietly leave the group.

But why have you even noticed? I absolutely could not tell you who reacts to things I post in any WhatsApp group I’m in. Other people are react8ng. It’s not that all your posts are ignored by all member! Why does her lack of response matter so much?

Over one person not liking or commenting on your posts?!

You beat me to it.

OP, why do you even care? You barely know each other. She's responding to the people she knows and is comfortable with, presumably.
I barely even notice who responds to me in a group WhatsApp. I certainly don't keep a tally of who likes my posts.

What would that achieve?

I left the in-laws family WhatsApp group. Similar circumstances. SIL actively ignoring anything I put. Couldn’t be bothered. Set up a WhatsApp with his parents only and alls good. It became a place of showing off and one up man’s ship and I don’t value that.

I literally just be me, tbh our group like this… only DH family post but I often reply to stuff… it’s fine with me. I just match energy when it comes to SILS. Maybe the youngest SIL and I would be friends if we weren’t connected via marriage, but the other two… there would be nooo chance. They gossip, over involved in people’s lives, controlling… the list goes on! So yeah just be you! Forget what other people do.

Yeah, that’s like a child saying ‘I’m taking my ball home!’ and flouncing off.

I think the OP should be explicit. Announce ‘I’m leaving because I’ve gone through every post for years and meanie SIL never puts a heart emoji on my contributions, and I’m furious and heartbroken!’

Have you never not liked someone @BellaElla123? it is perfectly fine not to like someone else.

It would be nicer if she did like you but it is actually fine that she doesn’t. Her behaviour isn’t very “civic minded” or “playing happy family” which isn’t great but she is not being openly hostile either. You could tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out why she doesn’t like you but what would you do? Change your personality for her? That is not healthy.

She just isn’t bothered with you, you should not be bothered with someone who isn’t bothered with you and you certainly should not allow yourself to be bothered by them.

That is a good point you actually have to click on the likes to check who has liked your comments. Why would you do that?

That says nothing about your relationship with her.

My sil dislikes me, it is also jealousy. She can barely keep a civil tongue in her head. She never ever likes anything I post, it used to bother me, and now it doesn’t, I am though irritated by her behaviour in terms of the rude cunty things she says, but you can’t address it, as she’d go fucking nuts, she’d love the opportunity.

so now I just act disinterested, like I don’t care and have pulled back

id strongly advise you to follow what your husband has said, continue to like hers, interact where necessary and simply ignore it.

less drama, it’s just not worth the energy, it really isn’t, nothing good can come of addressing it, but personally I’d find it hard to be that big a person, I’d prob like every second thing, let the occasional one go unnnoticed, so she can’t work out if you’re doing it on purpose or not.

on saying that, I’m not even that big a person, I usually give the passive aggressive thumbs up to my sil. As she’s a huge fan of that emoji so can’t complain.😂

Wonder why there is such an issue amongst SIL’s?

I think some women can be very competitive against other women and behave in jealous ways.

if one is younger, prettier, wealthier, more successful, pick your poison, than the other, it can result in this sort of thing sadly.

I don’t think it’s a majority of women who do it, but a sizeable portion.

women on women is very common, this forum often shows it, look at the thread on Andy burnham wife, woman after woman piling in to slag of her dress, her hair, her body.

Obvious, surely? They're people you haven't chosen to have in your life, who are thrust onto a semi-familial footing purely because of who you married.

It's best to regard them as a class as colleagues, and to be delighted if one or more of them is someone you genuinely gel with, and not to give the others any particular headspace beyond basic civility at family events, in the same way you would people you work with, some of whom will become good friends, some never move beyond the 'hello at the watercooler' stage.

I have five SILs, and am close to two, one is estranged from the family along with her DH, one lives abroad so I see her fairly seldom, and one is such a tactless idiot I have to remind myself multiple times before she visits that she makes my brother happy, and that's actually all that matters.

I don't take any of these relationships personally. These women are only in my life because of who I/they married.

I think that's really wise advice. I'm lucky enough to get on well with my SIL who's might late husband's sister, but my brother's wife I barely know and we have zero in common. I also suspect she's not my greatest fan.
But reading your post made me realise that my interactions with her are very colleague-like. I don't expect anything of her, and in person we make polite small talk and don't rock the boat.

I had more written about our relationship face to face but for some reason it didn’t post. So I would actually see her the most face to face as I live close to MIL. The others in the group live hours away too. They might actually be in their company maybe twice a year. Face to face she’s very civil and warm to me. Maybe it’s because there’s other people around.

Because they’re people you generally have nothing in common with but you’re forced to interact because you happen to have married into the same family. It’s the same reason why MIL’s seem to cause so much drama.

Too many people force the in-law relationship. You don’t need to be friends with them!

So you’re not actually friends, you just spend time together when you’re both visiting your MIL.

Or maybe you should take her real-life behaviour towards you as the actual important bit.

Don't let online life the important bit fgs.

I find the whole thing pathetic. In my life my SIL has something against me, I’ve no idea, she can’t even look me in the eye. They live within minutes and have kept the kids away from ours. But then she has done this with her own sisters kids also. Some sillyness going on, very insecure lady. I think you really need to grow up when you have kids as it’s decent the cousins have a relationship beyond this nonsense. But that’s my opinion.

Insecure and jealous people tend to perform a bit so they don’t let slip. Could be that.

This would be my response too. Simply don’t notice. Nothing so irritating to a passive aggressive than watching their intended recipient crack on with their life, completely oblivious to their dislike.

You don’t have to ‘kill her with kindness’, all that’s necessary is to be civil.