Struggling with judgement after ending engagement

[lavenderboux]

Posting because I think I need some solidarity from people who may have been through something similar. Three months before our wedding, I made the incredibly difficult decision to end my relationship. From the outside it probably seemed like madness. The truth is I held on because I desperately wanted things to change. But after years of having the same conversations, nothing really did. One of the biggest issues was that I couldn't picture the life we both said we wanted. He talked about desperately wanting children, but I was already carrying the mental load of our relationship. I felt like I was constantly the only one organising, planning and picking up the slack. His gaming and other hobbies took priority far too often, and I found myself feeling more like a parent than an equal partner. I didn't want to bring children into a relationship where I already felt like I was raising an adult.
The shame which has followed has been overwhelming at times. Calling off a wedding carries so much stigma, and I've found myself feeling judged by people who know only fragments of what happened. I’ve heard from other people (mutual friends) that the full story is perhaps not the version of events which is being relayed. The full story would require accountability for the issues that never changed, compared to the more convenient version which naturally casts me as the person who threw it all away.
It has been incredibly painful to feel that some people have formed opinions about me/my character without understanding the years that led to this decision.

Has anyone else ended an engagement close to the wedding? How did you cope with the shame and judgment, or the feeling that people assumed they knew your story? I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been through something similar.
Thank you x

I havent been through similar but I think youve been so brave. All the judgement will blow over, just give it time.

No shame. Better no wedding than down the road divorce and children. Hold your head high. You have done what is right for you and people need to respect that.

You 💯 made the right decision. You gave him multiple opportunities to change his ways and he didn’t. People will think what they want to think and you have no control over what they think.

Well done you! You should be so very proud of yourself.
You stopped a life of misery for yourself. You stopped your future children having a crappy child like gaming Dad. Put you head up and do not give one shit what anyone thinks. If people love you they will be happy for you. I commented yesterday on a post - my finance told me he wished I was dead. I know if was more severe but I hope this young lady is as brave as you

You indeed made the right decision. Hold your head high, this will pass. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind.

You’re so brave and it was 100% the right decision - well done!

No one had to live your life but you. So give no concern to what other people think.

You should be proud of yourself. It takes guts to call off a wedding. I was once a bridesmaid helping a friend do it, so long ago the internet wasn’t widely used and almost no one had mobiles, so I literally had to phone up 200 guests and tell them it was off a mere 3 weeks before the wedding day. I still thought she was brave. You don’t need mass approval. You know yourself it would have been even harder to extricate yourself from a marriage to an irresponsible gamer who made you feel like his mother.

You absolutely made the right decision.

To hell with what anyone else thinks, live your own life

You done the right thing and should carry no shame

Well if people say any just have a standard phrase like “well there is two sides to every story obviously” and then change the subject.

You have no control over what other people think but you do have some control over your own choices and it sounds as though you’ve made a cracking one here.

Perhaps those who are judging are just jealous that they didn’t have the courage to end things before they were more trapped.

Good luck for the future OP

OP you are so incredibly brave

I wanted to call off my marriage but felt pressured to go ahead. Divorced the man four years later. You’ve done the right thing 🌼

I think you will get respect here for your choice .
so many of us drifted into marriages that we knew at some level weren’t right
Wishing you happiness going forward

Well done for making the difficult decision early instead of years down the line. You are going through the tough part now but you are saving yourself multiples of this pain later on.

As regards the judgement of others, to be blunt, fuck ‘em. People who do this aren’t people who you want to be around.

Anyone with an ounce of empathy will realise it is not something done lightly, and keep their noses out of other people's business.

This
you’ve done the right thing
who wants to be with a gaming man child teenager - how utterly unattractive
you’ve had a very lucky escape

You don't have to justify why you ended it. You didn't want to go through with it and that's enough.

I haven't been through it before I worked with someone who was pressured by her parents to go through with it. I think the marriage lasted about two years, she fell for someone else, ended the marriage and married the other man. Last I heard they were happily married with children. Happy ending but much unhappiness along the way.

Sorry OP no advice but just to say, as you know, it was the absolutely right step and I have no doubt thousands of women should have done the same. He would have got no better, it would have only got worse, hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong.

gosh, well done, OP. It takes guts to do what you did.

Don't worry about silent judgers - if they don't say it to your face then it really doesn't matter.

But if they do say it to your face practice saying "better binning off that big baby now than a divorce after 3 kids"

I suspect people are talking/thinking about you WAY less than you imagine. So, how to cope with the shame is to move on from your preoccupation with it.

I was in your position and wasn’t brave enough to call it off. I knew on my wedding day that I’d done the wrong thing, and divorced him three years and one child later.

You are so brave and wise. Congratulations. Anyone judging you either doesn't know the reality or is not worth your time. Forget the guilt. Celebrate your decision

You’ve clearly made the right decision and it must have been tough. The thing about shame is that your radar is no doubt acutely trained on people’s reactions, interpreting their reaction and feeling judged but I wonder if you’re being judged as much as you think you are? You are guessing what people think, but are you right? You will never know what people really think but I’d put money on many people assuming you had good reason, whatever they hear from your ex. I also think that people are much better at drawing their own conclusions and not necessarily accepting one version of events.

The other thing is that humans tend to think about themselves and spend a good deal less time thinking about other people than it seems when we feel we are under a spotlight. I bet what people think about your situation and your actions is much more nuanced. There are probably many who don’t say anything but are not surprised at all by your decision.

In the end it doesn’t matter. You’ve made the right decision. People who take a simplistic view of other people’s business and like to give their uninformed opinions are the same people who would be saying ‘why does she run around after him while he games all day?’ Or ‘why on earth did she marry him if she wasn’t sure?’. They will have an opinion whatever you do or don’t do. Own your decision, ‘it was a tough decision but it had to be made’ and ‘there are two sides to every story, I am choosing not to discuss my reasons out of respect for X’. Firm and fair.

You are amazing! You’ve taken the time reflect, tell yourself the truth, be decisive, and the courage to do the right thing. You know the truth and have said it yourself no one else but you and he know the whole truth. By that, no one’s “judgement” is worth the air space as they are simply are un informed opinions. I’ve heard it said and felt its truth that the only judgement that matters is yours in 10/20 years time, and I think you’ve done right by you. You’ve also done exceptionally right by any children you may have brought into the relationship.

Take your time to celebrate the courageous person you are and be your own cheerleader. Then go back and make the life you deserve.

I know someone who called off their wedding the day before. I didn’t judge. I just thought they’d done the right thing for them. It’s better to call the wedding off the day before than the marriage the day after!

You don’t need to feel anything other than happiness and excitement for the future you’re going to have without the wrong person dragging you down.