Struggling with judgement after ending engagement

[lavenderboux]

Posting because I think I need some solidarity from people who may have been through something similar. Three months before our wedding, I made the incredibly difficult decision to end my relationship. From the outside it probably seemed like madness. The truth is I held on because I desperately wanted things to change. But after years of having the same conversations, nothing really did. One of the biggest issues was that I couldn't picture the life we both said we wanted. He talked about desperately wanting children, but I was already carrying the mental load of our relationship. I felt like I was constantly the only one organising, planning and picking up the slack. His gaming and other hobbies took priority far too often, and I found myself feeling more like a parent than an equal partner. I didn't want to bring children into a relationship where I already felt like I was raising an adult.
The shame which has followed has been overwhelming at times. Calling off a wedding carries so much stigma, and I've found myself feeling judged by people who know only fragments of what happened. I’ve heard from other people (mutual friends) that the full story is perhaps not the version of events which is being relayed. The full story would require accountability for the issues that never changed, compared to the more convenient version which naturally casts me as the person who threw it all away.
It has been incredibly painful to feel that some people have formed opinions about me/my character without understanding the years that led to this decision.

Has anyone else ended an engagement close to the wedding? How did you cope with the shame and judgment, or the feeling that people assumed they knew your story? I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been through something similar.
Thank you x

Thank you all so much for your kindness. I honestly wasn't expecting such an outpouring of support.
For so long I have carried so much shame around this decision, and your kindness has reminded me that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is choose the harder path when we know it's the right one. Whenever I feel a bit wobbly, I’ll keep coming back to this thread to re-read the comments.
Thank you. X

I think you should be proud of yourself. You have advocated for yourself and your needs and avoided years of misery and resentment.
The people important to you will ask why and understand, if they dont ask they can't be that important.

I'm a retired therapist. We don't ever give straight forward advice, or we shouldn't, our job is to guide people to make their own decisions in their own time.
I broke this rule/guideline ONCE in my whole career, when I practically begged a client to call off his wedding because he told me he knew it was wrong and wouldn't last, but he was too ashamed to break it off. He could literally see the future divorce. I told him getting married and then divorced knowingly was so much worse for everyone including his poor fiancée than being brave enough to break it off beforehand. Luckily I persuaded him. Best day's work ever.

You did the right, the brave, the strong thing. Well done @lavenderboux .
Be happy. 🌷

Good for you, OP. I think anyone, even someone whose initial sympathies lie with your ex-fiancé, will grasp in time how brave a decision this was.

The fiancé of the friend whose wedding I helped cancel was a perfectly decent person, but if she thought it woudn't have worked, it wouldn't have.

You’ve done the right thing and you owe no one an explanation

I have a male friend who bailed on his own wedding ... on the day of the wedding! You've managed to avoid being a runaway bride. I would just trust your instincts and realise you've probably dodged a big bullet and you've done the right thing. It's better late than never. People will have their opinions but it's not their life to lose. Good luck.

I called my wedding off 7 weeks before the date. He told everyone a lovely story about what happened which his family and friends lapped up and I took a fair amount of abuse from them at the time. My family and friends were nothing but supportive even though they didn’t know the full story of why I called it off, I just said I realised I didn’t love him. Discovered a few years later that most of them were over the moon because they couldn’t stand him.

I think you’ve absolutely done the right thing and are incredibly brave. Someone I knew called off his wedding on the morning. His fiance very much wanted it and he didn’t. He was hated at first but it all passed. He said he couldn’t go through something which he didn’t believe in. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. They aren’t the ones who have to live your life. I can guarantee if you’d had children with this man you’d be left doing absolutely everything.

Better to end it before the wedding than end it afterwards.
Sounds like you did the right thing as they will not change, you will be still doing stuff for this person 30 years down the line like they are a child.
I've a friend who ended a 16 year romance with a 58 year old baby & ive just walked out on a 58 year old who still acted like a child.
You did the right thing.
No, I've never got so close to the wedding & called out o ff though but you hung on as you thought he would change then luckily realised no he wont & you'd have that forever.

The ones who judge, let them get on with it and find new friends.

The father of my 2 children asked me to marry him 8 years in and I immediately said no didn't even give it a moment. He did not take it well and it led fairly quickly to our breakup. He, rightly, saw the rejection as a definite no to a future with him. I ended up a single parent homeless sleeping on friends floors with my family who thought everything was fabulous appalled and stunned. My mother said in the last stages of dementia to my now husband thinking it was my ex 'I still can't believe she left you'. It was 30 years ago and she's never gotten over it. I was a bit shocked by how many friends and family judged me. He was devastated and played victim and if I could go back I'd tell everyone he was a coke head who bullied our son but I was young and pretending everything was good was just what I thought you did. Well done on leaving you made the right choice for you

What you did took courage. I wish I’d done what you did but I wasn’t brave enough. I knew it wasn’t right but I kept ignoring my feelings. We were divorcing after a year.

@lavenderbouxyou have been really brave. It would be so easy to feel you just had to go ahead with the wedding despite your serious misgivings. I wonder how often someone proceeds with a marriage knowing there are problems with the relationship? You have definitely done the right thing for both of you, even if he doesn’t see it yet. It’s not unusual for marriages to fail in the first year or two.

You’re incredibly brave. I don’t think people should be judging you, I think they should be admiring you.

Anyone with a degree of emotional intelligence will know that you ended it for very good reasons, and that a lot of the detail won’t be for public consumption out of respect for your ex-fiance.

Sorry, but I think you must be mixing with some quite small minded people.

Hold your head high 💐

I was engaged to the wrong person (knew it was wrong the moment he proposed, but said yes to make him stand up - dreadful, very public proposal - so embarrassing!). Called it off after a year. Fortunately hadn’t made any actual wedding plans as I knew deep-down that I never wanted to go through with it. I lost lots of mutual friends who took his side, and I felt embarrassed telling my friends/family it was over. My parents, at least, were very relieved. It all worked out well on the end . I’m now happily married with 2 kids…zero regrets. Don’t worry about what other people think. You are the one who would have to be married to the wrong person for your whole life. You’ve made the right decision. It is really hard right now, but it will get easier.

well done, I take my hat off to you. So many people wouldn’t have had the guts.

This seems an occasion where the 'Let Them' book might be helpful The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About: Amazon.co.uk: Robbins, Mel, Robbins, Sawyer: 9781788176187: Books

I didn't end the engagement. I actually married and the separated quickly after. So basically, i met this guy who was a pathological liar. He said he was an accountant. He wasn't. He said he didn't have a relationship with hid dad because he anused him pointing out injuries. He didnt. He said he was NC with his famiky because they wrre racist. They weren't he just didnt want them telling me he was a liar. He took me to stsh at his house. It wasn't his house. The judgment was and opinions were insane. My parents were particularly difficult and still maintained secret communication with my ex. They encouraged me to give him a second chance. I did. I told him if ge ever lied to me again id divorce him immediately. He didn't last one meal. It was very embarrassing to pay thousands on a wedding. Invite all those people and be separated so quickly after. I knew there was something not right and I wish I called off the engagement. O always thought the judgement amd shame would be less. Maybe I'm mistaken but at least I wouldnt gave had to wait a tear to divorce the prick.

People are never going to hear a balanced view… or the full story. My friend was broken up with 6 weeks before. She was devastated, it was awful, we hate him etc etc (it was a long time ago) but it was of course the right decision because he didn’t want to marry her… and who wants that. We didn’t know the full story at all, but I do know she desperately wanted to live up to his expectations.
she spent a lot of time trying to be enough. For her, her life has taken a different path. The guy she married is lovely but also very different from the original fiance. He was brave to end it as he wasn’t in the right relationship and I’m glad she was able to go into her current marriage without a long and costly divorce and possible having children.

People will judge you no matter what you do. People will turn you into the villain with no justification. Once you've lived through it and realised the sky hasn't caved in, it's actually really liberating. You can do what you want because it's not going to stop people who are that way inclined, so why even try?

You had massive balls to do this, well done. Make the most of the second chance you've given yourself.

Just as everyone else has said, what a tremendous amount of courage it must have taken to do this. I hope all these comments really do help you feel better about it.

You did the right thing and you won't regret it. It's unfair that people are casting judgement but ignore them. You've been so brave, and you've respected yourself and your future self will thank you for it. Well done!

You’re amazing @lavenderboux- that’s all that matters.

I think a lot of people will think you’re very brave. This time next year it will be completely forgotten about. I can imagine you carry a bit of shame, but nowhere near as much if you had ended a marriage within the first two years. Whilst this feels awful now, it won’t compare to a messy, costly divorce.

You’ve done the right thing.

We had a make or break…

Married six months later.

Could’ve gone the other way.

you did the right thing,feel no shame.those talking about this are not important.continue to trust your gut instinct and don't feel the need to explain, only share with those you trust..book a little get away break and be super nice to yourself...time to be happy now shame free.