Struggling with judgement after ending engagement

[lavenderboux]

Posting because I think I need some solidarity from people who may have been through something similar. Three months before our wedding, I made the incredibly difficult decision to end my relationship. From the outside it probably seemed like madness. The truth is I held on because I desperately wanted things to change. But after years of having the same conversations, nothing really did. One of the biggest issues was that I couldn't picture the life we both said we wanted. He talked about desperately wanting children, but I was already carrying the mental load of our relationship. I felt like I was constantly the only one organising, planning and picking up the slack. His gaming and other hobbies took priority far too often, and I found myself feeling more like a parent than an equal partner. I didn't want to bring children into a relationship where I already felt like I was raising an adult.
The shame which has followed has been overwhelming at times. Calling off a wedding carries so much stigma, and I've found myself feeling judged by people who know only fragments of what happened. I’ve heard from other people (mutual friends) that the full story is perhaps not the version of events which is being relayed. The full story would require accountability for the issues that never changed, compared to the more convenient version which naturally casts me as the person who threw it all away.
It has been incredibly painful to feel that some people have formed opinions about me/my character without understanding the years that led to this decision.

Has anyone else ended an engagement close to the wedding? How did you cope with the shame and judgment, or the feeling that people assumed they knew your story? I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been through something similar.
Thank you x

I think it’s fine to be honest about the reasons, why cover it up? It will help him to know the truth, and to reflect.

I didn't do this, but I have a friend I was begging to call of the wedding - she didn't and they're now married 2 years with a 1 year old child. She's unhappy and her husband has cheated on her.

But now they have a child and they live in his home country, things have become very complicated for her to leave and she is effectively trapped.

Congratulations on choosing you OP. You’ve made the right decision and anyone worth their salt will support you.

Unfortunately women are judged for not centering men and having a relationship. Brave decisions like yours, and all the other women who choose to end unhealthy relationships in which the woman loses, help chip away at these ingrained views and judgements.

Have a ‘not married’ party with your good friends and celebrate being free!

The people who judge don’t matter, and the people that matter won’t judge OP. I’m guessing you are under 40. Not everyone, but I certainly was much more concerned with what folk thought when I was younger.

Older you get you realise other people’s opinions don’t matter. If they judge that reflects on them. Think of it like pantomime. Not serious. People can be such gossips though. Best lesson in midst is when gossip hits your ears to say, that must be tough, there’s likely more to it, I hope they’re ok etc to at least not pass it on.

+No one can judge anyone through the prism of someone else’s opinion. Have trust and confidence in yourself. You did the right thing and fwiw I think you were really smart and courageous.

There should be no shame on you at all. You ended a relationship that wasn’t working for you and that’s a good thing. Be proud of yourself op.

Head held high! You should be incredibly proud of yourself. You have saved yourself a crappy life with him which it was certain to be. Go off and have an exciting time, without being dragged down.

This. I wish I had been you. I don't for a minute regret my 2 wonderful children, and I've been lucky that he's a great father & co-parent, but that's quite rare. Find happiness, my love: we only have one life ❤️

I called off my wedding two months before it was due to happen. To be honest, I had a supportive family so I never faced any judgement from them. If anyone else was judging me, they sure didn’t tell me, and I wasn’t close enough to them to care.

I will tell you, though, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made and even today, I never have any doubts about that, so I genuinely couldn’t care less about what people think/thought about it.

You have made an extremely brave decision - it takes balls to end a wedding and to be honest like that about your needs and what you want for your life. Just look at the relationships board on here to see the consequences of what happens when people get married with even the smallest doubt in their minds, or even worse, convince themselves that once married, life will be perfect.

Be proud of yourself, seriously, and don’t give a shit what they think. I would honestly say to them, that if they think your ex is so great, they’re welcome to go and live with him.

You’ll probably now start to see who your real friends are at this time, but that’s okay - there’s nothing better than a good decluttering session. Especially when they’re doing it for you 😂💕.

I didn't call the wedding off because I didn't have the balls. I knew it wouldn't last and really wish I had been strong enough to do it.
Be proud of yourself.

I knew someone who did it and everyone thought how brave she was. Both parties went on to have happy marriages to other people.

I didn't have the balls but am still in it. Don't have the balls to leave. 20 years in. Not my only mistake in life, and I'm stuck with all the results of my decisions 😬

Firstly, well done for calling it off. I think your reasons are completely valid. It can really hurt when others seem to be judging our decision, but, honestly - fuck them. They don't know what things were really like. Their opinion is NOT relevant. At all.

I will also add that i married a man much like your ex-fiance, hoping he might sort himself out. He didn't (they never do). We limped on for a couple of years before I finally threw in the towel. And people judged me so much. Which really didn't help. Then a couple of years post-split, a close friend came to see me. Told me my ex had been fired from his job, and listed all the various issues he'd been having at work (she worked in the same company). And she said to me "I totally get it now." I know I shouldn't have needed to hear it, but it made such a difference to get that validation.

You probably won't get that validation from those casting judgment, though. So I'm giving it to you now. You did the right thing, OP. Choosing who we marry is one of the most important things we will ever do - and you want a partner, not a man-child. So try to ignore the judgment of others, and focus on healing, moving on, and your next chapter.

It takes a lot of courage to make these decisions. As someone else has said better now than when you've had children and end up divorced, which is what happened to me. We should never have married, he was self absorbed and totally selfish, by the time DS was 2 he was attacking me.
As a good friend once said ' there are 2 sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle' You don't need to justify this decision to anyone else and he will continue to push his 'version' . You'll be amazed how quickly he moves on to someone else.
Stay strong, we feel like this for a reason and well done.

You're very brave to have called it off and you've absolutely done the right thing. My husband did the same thing (before we got together obviously!), and like you it was about 3 months before his wedding. He knew his heart wasn't in it. He and his fiancé were just drifting into it - pressured by both sets of parents, who were close friends.

He agonised over it but just knew it was wrong, so spoke to his mother and, to give her credit, she supported him. He was so embarrassed at the time, and obviously it was a big deal to those involved and invited, but you'd be surprised how quickly people's attention moves on. Today's news is tomorrow's chip paper, as they used to say.

A friend of mine went through with her wedding when she knew it wasn't right and then had a very messy divorce a year later. She admitted she couldn't face the embarrassment of calling it off. It just made a bad situation much worse.

Hold your head high and if you get comments just say something like "you don't know the circumstances but think what you like" or some such phrase.

I too think you are incredibly brave and have saved yourself a lifetime of misery. I don't know of anyone who has broken off an engagement but I do know of three particular divorces where the leavers were painted to be so bad but in all three cases I happened to have properly seen what went on before and in all three cases the leaver had little choice yet was painted as the guilty party by others. In those cases, as with you, the leavers hadn't told most people what was really going on, for various reasons not least of all because it was no one's business. Hold your head up high op.

Better to end an engagement than end up in divorce court.

You made the right decision. For yourself and your ex (even though he probably acknowledge see that).

edit: and I agree with the pps, you were brave. Strong enough to know yourself, your ex and brave enough to act based on that knowledge. You have nothing to be ashamed of!

No one that loves you and cares about your future will be anything other than happy/accepting of your decision op. The rest really do not matter.

Don't doubt yourself. You are incredibly brave to have made that decision. As a 21 year old, I simply couldn't, even though I knew it was wrong while walking down the aisle. You've saved yourself years of misery. I wish I'd had your strength.

One of my friends met a man who I will call John and they got engaged after about 2 years. I noticed that everything seemed to be about him and what he wanted. She seemed to be doing everything ie planning things, helping him get work and doing everything at home.

He then told her 8 weeks before the wedding that he did not want to get married. He left her to tell her parents, guest and deal with the hotel ect. Her parents I say lost a lot of money as they were paying for most of the wedding.
She was very upset over this.

About 3 years later she met another man. He came from a similar background to her. He was educated and with a good job. She was told him early in the relationship that she wanted marriage and kids within a few years. They were both in there late 20s by then. I could see that effort in this relationship was not always her arranging things. He made the effort to meet her or keep in regular contact even when things were very busy work wise. Over time they started to spend more time together and had nights away.
He encouraged her to do further education that benefited her job wise. It wasn't all about him and what he wanted. They got married a few later and now have 2 kid's. They went through some difficult times but they worked together to deal with these.

I have seen some people getting engaged and it all about the big wedding day. They don't seem to think that it not just a big wedding day but it a long term commitment to this person and building a life together. For a lot of people they want a child or children as well. If you begin to see the red flags on either side and ignore them the other person won't suddenly get better once your married. If tough times come like job losses, health issues, financial issues or problems getting pregnant your marriage will face more stress and this stress will test out a marriage
Your far better off ending things than getting married, having 1 or 2 kids and then splitting up.

If anyone make a comment about your non wedding just say I had my reasons for ending things. Some people just want to know the reasons why so they can have a good gossip. Tell close friends and family the truth as you need a bit of support after ending things.

The gaming, gambling, out every night in the pub ect won't suddenly stop when you get married. I have also seen men and women who refuse to listen to any advice and then wonder why things have end up wrong.

You deserve better than a man child who is not willing to grow up and work on improving himself.

You did the right thing. Better than to go ahead even when you've got serious doubts though many folk do. And it doesn't end well.

I cancelled my wedding with 3 weeks to go. I took all the blame even though my ex's behaviour had made it impossible to do anything but call it off. I was absolutely heartbroken at the time and full of self doubt, but I am now happily married with a beautiful DD.

I had one friend who harped on and on about the money she had wasted on flights for the wedding, and of course ex's friends and family never spoke to me again. Everyone else was incredibly supportive.

Whenever I was wobbling I used to picture the wedding if I'd gone through with it and how sick to the stomach I would feel walking down the aisle, knowing it wasn't right. I used to have anxiety dreams about it for years afterwards. The difference when I think about how it felt marrying my DH is amazing. You have a bright future OP! You've done the right thing.

At the end of the day you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone- just as long as you’re comfortable with the decision yourself