Struggling with judgement after ending engagement

[lavenderboux]

Posting because I think I need some solidarity from people who may have been through something similar. Three months before our wedding, I made the incredibly difficult decision to end my relationship. From the outside it probably seemed like madness. The truth is I held on because I desperately wanted things to change. But after years of having the same conversations, nothing really did. One of the biggest issues was that I couldn't picture the life we both said we wanted. He talked about desperately wanting children, but I was already carrying the mental load of our relationship. I felt like I was constantly the only one organising, planning and picking up the slack. His gaming and other hobbies took priority far too often, and I found myself feeling more like a parent than an equal partner. I didn't want to bring children into a relationship where I already felt like I was raising an adult.
The shame which has followed has been overwhelming at times. Calling off a wedding carries so much stigma, and I've found myself feeling judged by people who know only fragments of what happened. I’ve heard from other people (mutual friends) that the full story is perhaps not the version of events which is being relayed. The full story would require accountability for the issues that never changed, compared to the more convenient version which naturally casts me as the person who threw it all away.
It has been incredibly painful to feel that some people have formed opinions about me/my character without understanding the years that led to this decision.

Has anyone else ended an engagement close to the wedding? How did you cope with the shame and judgment, or the feeling that people assumed they knew your story? I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been through something similar.
Thank you x

Time will show other people you were right, believe me.

You have absolutely done the right thing and should be proud of yourself. It may feel awful now but believe me, as someone who went ahead and married that person, it’s much easier to end a potential wedding than it is a marriage.
you’re brave so don’t forget that. Also try and be kind to yourself and remember that the people that matter don’t care, and the people that care don’t matter xx

Who is judging you? It takes courage to do what you have done, and anyone who thinks you’re wrong clearly hasn’t understood what’s been going on. Not that it is anyone’s business why you’ve called the wedding off, but obviously it’s not a thing that’s done lightly.

I was someone who should have called it off for similar reasons to you but didn’t have the guts. So well done to you, you saved yourself a load of hassle, cost and guilt of ending a marriage. If it helps, I was also judged heavily for ending the marriage but years on I now have an amazing (second!) husband and kids, and ditched the people who were unpleasant to me in the aftermath of the split. You’ll get through it and eventually you’ll be stronger for it. Kudos to you for being so insightful and brave.

The daughter of a close friend of mine called off her wedding 4weeks before the big day. My friend who had contributed a lot of money to the wedding totally supported her daughter and told her if it didn’t feel right then she was right to call it off. I thought her daughter was so strong to make that difficult decision I don’t know anyone who thought badly of her, probably her fiancé’s family did but I didn’t know them. She went to the honeymoon destination with her bridesmaid and had a good time, she took a job abroad for 2 years and really enjoyed being single. 5 years later she’s recently married to someone who’s a much better match for her and she has no regrets

If I were to hear of a woman calling off a wedding my immediate and only judgement would be to assume that she had a very good reason, and had almost certainly made the right decision.

You are so brave. You saw what your future would be like with him and you didn’t want it. He would not have changed, and chances are it would have been worse as you would be married and couldn’t leave as easily, he wouldn’t feel like he had to make an effort.

You want to find someone who wants to be a real partner to you, where you both want to make each others lives easier. Someone who can take responsibility and doesn’t see you as his secretary or maid.

You have had a lucky escape. No one else knows what the relationship was really like. Hold your head high, this is the worst part while everyone finds out but you will get through it and it will be easier. I think you’ll look back and be so relieved you trusted your gut and made this decision, even though it was so hard to do it.

You made the right decision. They're usually the best version of themselves before marriage and children, if you already felt like a parent it would have been much worse after children.

you are amazing!

well done

I ended my first engagement. I found the statement “I felt I deserved better than how he treated me” was a helpful way to shut down comments. No one can give their opinion on that.

Ask why these peoples opinon actually need to matter to you.
Tell them its a wise decision.
I wouldnt entertain a conversation about it except you made the decision for You.
Marriage is something i believe is no longer something I would admire or want.
The damage it does to some couples is unreal...f that!

We hadn't booked the wedding yet, but I did end a relationship everyone thought I was mad to end.
But they thought that because they didn't see what it was like behind closed doors. If they didn't care to ask, then I didn't care about their opinion!

It takes guts to end an engagement, especially within a short space of time to the wedding. What you can't control is other people's opinions, and what they think. Anyone with a gram of sense should realise that noone comes to these type of decisions lightly, and that there's always more to the situation, than most people realise.

You finally realised that your partner wasn't going to change his ways. You were already carrying more of the load than he was and his hobbies were more important than you. If after numerous conversations, your partner wasn't willing to change, then it's not going to happen. Bringing children into the mix, would have made the situation 100 times worse.

My friend married in 2021, she had doubts, but ploughed on ahead, and hoped the situation improved. You guessed it, no it didn't, and in fact became worse... They split in 2023 and the divorce came through this year.

It's far better to end a relationship before marriage, than wait until you're married. It's much less complicated to untangle yourself.

Unfortunately, your ex is going to give family/friends his own narrative. He's not going to admit being at fault, so yes, he's going to blame you, because that's far easier than being accountable for his own behaviour. You can't correct every person, he's told that narrative too. If you're asked...say 'there's two sides to every situation, it's never as clear cut as a one-sided narrative'. You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation!

Better to cancel the wedding than have to deal with an expensive, complicated divorce later on.

Yes there might be some money that has been “wasted” on the cancelled wedding - but if you end up divorced I would say ALL the wedding spend would have been wasted.

I haven’t been through this but offer a handhold. You have 100% made the right decision. Some people will always judge and others will have your back. Focus on the latter. It’s your life, only you are living it.

I think you did a sensible thing from the sounds of it and it must have been incredibly difficult. Let people have their opinions, you are being true to yourself doing the right thing. What’s the alternative, you marry him and are unhappy, just to appease other people?

I haven’t gone through this but surely 99% of people understand that relationships fail. It’s a very normal thing to happen in life. I’d judge someone way more for staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship than splitting up. I think you would be better to look at why their opinion bothers you or why you even have people like that in your life.

I guess if people have already made expensive travel plans or given you expensive engagement gifts then maybe they might feel a bit pissed off that you left it so late to split up.

I would feel you have been brave and sensible to split now rather than go through with the wedding.

You've done the right thing, no-one can pass judgement on what decisions you make or how to choose yourself rather than putting up with a man baby and lead
ing an utterly miserable life. You're brave, the people saying that are probably miserable in their own life and too scared to do anything about it.

Try it to worry about it—in the end, you didn’t marry this gamer (ie, child). Lucky escape—he had his chance to turn his behaviour around, and chose not to.

Don’t protect him—if anyone brings it up, be honest about the fact that he prioritised his addiction to gaming over adulting, and you couldn’t continue to be in a parent/child relationship, rather than in a partnership.

You’ve been so brave. You did the right thing. I was in similar situation but ended up going through with it because I wasn’t brave enough. I was so miserable. It was clearly wrong. The judgement when I left three years later was even worse.

I admire your bravery OP. If in doubt no one should get married because it's hard enough if you don't have doubts!!

As an aside, and I realise this might be because I'm older (mid 50s), what is it with all the fully grown adult men who spend hours gaming these days? I've no problem with people doing it occasionally, but to make it a regular thing seems so unappealing in an adult. Apologies if I've offended anyone.

I called off my wedding. I made the big mistake of agreeing to marry someone too soon. Over the months leading up to it I was getting more and more concerned about a number of things that were not sitting right with me. I felt awful but knew I had to do it. The worst part was when he put a long announcement on his Facebook page.

I called of my wedding three months before. There was nothing hugely wrong with our relationship from the outside but I just felt like we would get divorced one day because like you I would grow to resent him for being a bit selfish.

I had about three friends I truly confided in with the whole story and my feelings. Everyone else got very much “I just didn’t think it would work” which I think is enough of a reason. You don’t need a reason to break up with people.

I did lose some friends and his story was very different to mine. I was painted as the enemy and he had spoken to a lot of people in all walks of life about me. And continued to do so for a few years after, to start with it bothered me but later I think it said more about him than me.

Calling of engagement is really hard. It’s expensive for you, other people might have made plans. However, in the long run it’s mentally and financially the right decision, breaking up is much better than divorcing. Five years later I would make the same one again, even if the first few months are hard.

Why would you chose to start running down and causing drama about someone you were recently preparing to marry. I don’t get what the benefit would be of it. Just tell people you’ve had second thoughts and aren’t getting on that well. It’s no one else’s buisness.
There is nothing wrong with falling out of love with someone. It should be an acceptable thing to do without having to find a reason to blame the other person.

You have been so brave and strong - and dignified. It’s no one else’s place to judge or cast you in any light other than one with respect.

They can disagree all they like, you have saved yourself a life time of pain and misery. Heartache and disappointment. Only you really know this (and probably more people than you realise) just what your future looked like.

For what it’s worth, I would have made the same decision. I could not bear to carry a gaming mam child through life. Life is hard enough - you need an equal, a net contributor - someone that brings joy to your life.

All credit to you. I wish you the happiest of futures going forward now you have got your life back op 💐💐