Husband unhappy at weekends especially.

[Anon23987]

Hi all,

Struggling with something and would like advice, opinions or experiences please.

Its Saturday and I've noticed my husband appears tense, distracted, a bit checked out so I've asked a few times what's wrong. He keeps saying nothing but then eventually I said you seem stressed and he said, its a weekend, im always stressed at weekends.

Its true. He does seem tense at weekends, I often take the kids out for a few hours on a Saturday so he can get a few hours to do some work in the garden etc we tend to spend Sundays as a family but today it really just broke my heart.

Our 2 children are very young and we both work full time so I feel that our weekends together are the majority of their childhood and I just want them to be happy. I want my husband to be happy and mostly I want him to be happy to be with us. He got defensive when I tried to talk about it further so im not really sure what to do.

I'm just really gutted tbh. Been sitting with a lump in my throat since he said it and just not sure what to do.

Sit him down and give him TWO choices :

1. He involves himself in weekends as a family Or
2. You both take turns ALTERNATELY planning activity with children ( giving the other some FREE time).

Bet you he opts for the Group together plan.

Sounds like you’re married to a ‘me, me, me, it’s all about me’ person. Parenthood is hard and particularly so when you’re holding down a full time job and going into full parenting mode on the weekend to over compensate for not being present during the week. He needs to get a grip and not think it’s okay to check out of parenting or being a husband because he feels stressed. Sounds like you’re enabling him to be a manchild by trying to take away the pressure, so he is running with it…

I don’t believe he had depression , I do believe a lot of his self esteem comes from how much money he earns and that reflects in how he treats us as a family.
He had to take a pay cut and became a shell of himself, couldn’t be a part of the family fully and just didn’t want to be around us. The moment the new job was offered with much better pay, he completely changed and wanted to be more involved with us all. He was happy to be around us all at weekends, even in the tough moments he supported me better.

You cannot make someone happy.
He has to explain what would help or do something about his depression
Uf he does not want to be around you and dc maybe you can separate so he can work it out?
You trying to make happy family weekends and he is not

I hear what you're saying, but from the info you've provided I would disagree that that doesn't constitute depression, personally. My dad went through similar when he was forced to take early medical retirement, and was diagnosed with depression; he needed meds and counselling before he was able to climb out of it. Depression comes in all kinds of colours and severity levels, is all I'm saying.

Or simply needs to grow up. If he wanted children, this is the deal, a few years of hard graft, putting one’s own needs on hold much of the time. But if you do it together, there is so much joy.

Poor you, poor man; I hope he manages to wise up in time and doesn’t lose all of these precious (hard) years, and you.

Try to get him to therapy, or couples therapy, if you can afford it and can create the time.

Umm no, I didn't say that, but if you can start to understand why someone is the way they are then you have a base to work from to make improvements. Trying to apply standard logic to a neuro diverse person won't work as their brain is wired differently and they need a different approach. Since understanding more about ND I've been better able to parent my kids and communicate with my husband, unless you've lived through it, it's very difficult to understand.

I know about adhd. The ops husband isn’t it. This is pure selfishness. Yes, some things are harder for people with ADHD. When you make a decision to become a parent though, you owe it to your kids to step up, whether you want to or not. If you don’t want to parent, don’t become a parent.

Depression but does his hobbies with energy and passion? Sounds like he switches the 'depression' on and off when it suits him.

Children don't need planned activities every weekend.

Bringing up small kids is difficult; I found it hard (I was a weekend father, separated from mother.) If I was doing it again, say with grandchildren, I'd insist on some control and choice about what happened. So, let's fuck about in the local stream for an hour, just because. I used to enjoy camping, so let's pitch a tent in the back garden. It'll mess the lawn up, but so what. Let's put the TV on and I'll watch you play with toys while I simultaneously stare at the telly or listen to my old punk singles. Just don't make me take the kids on a 'playdate' with people I don't want to spend time with, or go the the fucking Wacky Warehouse or to watch some shite at the horrible, godforsaken multiplex cinema. No offence, @Caspino, I'm not saying you do these things.

Here comes a modern cliché: there are two types of people in the world: those who need a plan for every moment that'll look good to the neighbours, and those who don't. Those people marry each other.

I’m so sorry to hear that, I can’t imagine how hard that was to go through.
You know something, thank you for your reply because it’s made me and DH have a really in depth conversation about that time he took a pay cut. We’ve never sat down and spoke about it . After going through everything,we both have actually come to conclusion that he probably had depression during this time. It looked completely different to what I thought it would look like.

OP how was the weekend in the end?
I really do sympathise with you, being on the other end of it is horrible and you can’t understand why they feel the way they do. If I could go back I’d definitely lay off the planned activities with the kids and just keep things calm and relaxed at home for a while. See if that changes things?

Because the working week is so intense and stressful and then you come home to face the relentlessness of small children for the weekend. I love my children to death but my god when they were small there were times I could have cried at the absolute lack of any downtime. He needs to just get on with it, but I get it.

Sounds like that was a helpful conversation for you both, that's good. I do think depression often looks different in men, and can have different causes. And then, I think a lot of men mask it as well. My dad was a very jovial man and tried to keep that up as a front when he was depressed, but eventually he couldn't hack it any more and needed treatment. Glad things are going better now for you guys.

I'm glad someone else mentioned this before I did. Is there someone at work he enjoys being around? I'm being as gentle as I can here. If a fella is involved with someone else, having to be away from them and play happy families is almost impossible. Other suggestions such as ADHD/neurodiversity have cropped up but I feel sure you'd have had your suspicions before now. Is he upbeat on Monday mornings? Is his demeanour quite different Monday to Friday? I think a heart-to-heart over a coffee or a glass of wine would be a good idea. Get it all out there and see whether it's something you can both fix. Good luck 👍