Husband unhappy at weekends especially.

[Caspino]

Hi all,

Struggling with something and would like advice, opinions or experiences please.

Its Saturday and I've noticed my husband appears tense, distracted, a bit checked out so I've asked a few times what's wrong. He keeps saying nothing but then eventually I said you seem stressed and he said, its a weekend, im always stressed at weekends.

Its true. He does seem tense at weekends, I often take the kids out for a few hours on a Saturday so he can get a few hours to do some work in the garden etc we tend to spend Sundays as a family but today it really just broke my heart.

Our 2 children are very young and we both work full time so I feel that our weekends together are the majority of their childhood and I just want them to be happy. I want my husband to be happy and mostly I want him to be happy to be with us. He got defensive when I tried to talk about it further so im not really sure what to do.

I should note he has anxiety and depression anyway but he has a lot of get up and go and passion for projects and hobbies.

I'm just really gutted tbh. Been sitting with a lump in my throat since he said it and just not sure what to do.

What about you op? Do you ever think about if you’re happy? Or do you just put yourself right at the bottom of the pile, run around like a blue arsed fly making sure everyone else is happy? Do you think he is putting as much effort in to ensuring your happiness?

How is he during the week? How does he act around the children during the week and at weekends? Also do you get any down time? Our weekends are similar as Sunday we all do something as a family and Saturdays normally one of us takes the children out while the other does stuff around the house etc

Make yourself happy. Does your husband not like his kids, or not understand what being a parent would involve?

Do you think he's equally concerned about your happiness, and if not, don't give his any thought. He doesn't get to take his shitty mood out on others.

There could be 101 reasons why your husband is unhappy at weekends, and unhappiness can be a very difficult emotion to discuss openly. If I knew your husband as a friend, I'd be buying him a beer/coffee/lambrini and encouraging him to talk.

But, by god, the resentment towards men that comes out in these threads. If you think unhappiness is all he deserves, maybe just keep that to yourself and scroll on.

I really don’t mean this in a snidey way, but did he actively want children?

It takes two to make a baby he needs to step up

He has a lot of get up and go and passion for hobbies, but none for his wife and children? He gets defensive when you try to talk to him about it? Sorry, op, but I think you know the answer. Anxiety/depression aside, he seems to be actively choosing to disengage with you and the children.

I’m someone who struggles with depression and anxiety too and firstly I would say try not to take it personally. Or assume that he doesn’t care that much about you or the kids or doesn’t want to spend time with you etc.

There are so many reasons why he might feel lower in mood at weekends and it could actually even be as simple as he always feels the weekends are too short or he’s dreading going back to work at the end of the weekend etc. or that he just has more time to ruminate at the weekend and isn’t so distracted by work. It could also be that as much as he loves the kids, he finds them exhausting to be with 24/7 given that he’s also struggling with depression. But feels he can’t say that to you as he feels it would be unfair on you to have to manage alone because he’s struggling to cope. My son is all grown up now but I have a lot of small nephews and nieces and honestly as much as I love them I am utterly EXHAUSTED when I spend a lot of time with them, it’s the early mornings in particular that are a killer for me, and depression is commonly worse in the mornings. I’ve had to say to my siblings that as much as I love them all I just can’t cope if I am woken at the crack of dawn so don’t let them disturb me then and I will be fun auntie and day and night long once I’m up!

I agree you definitely need to talk about it, but it sounds like now isn’t the right moment. He himself knows he is lower at weekends and probably has an inkling as to why. I’d leave it for now and try to talk to him about it during the week or at least agree a time to talk about it properly then. And encourage him to speak to the GP if he hasn’t already.

Eh what now? He has get up and go for the projects and hobbies? He doesn't have depression then, he just doesn't want to participate in family life and sounds like a selfish idiot.

If he is suffering from depression, that would explain it. He can probably mask it while he's working but at home the mask will slip. I speak as a long term sufferer and I wouldn't wish this illness on anyone. What he probably won't realise is that if he loses you and the children his life will be much worse. I have lost almost everything I valued and loved from this illness. Obviously you can't make him seek treatment or further treatment but try to get him to take some action to feel better. He may even think he'd be better off on his own and you may come to the same conclusion OP but it's rarely the case. A marriage is worth fighting for up to a point. Only you know where that point is.

I am considerably older than most on here. I married twice. I threw away my 1st marriage to a good man thinking I needed more excitement in my life. I hung on for grim death to my 2nd turbulent and unhappy one. Depression was at the root of both of those foolish situations.

Oh, I really feel for you, but please try not to take it to heart.
I think new parents and modern parents often feel like every weekend has to be like a Disney movie, packed with magical moments, constant happy engagement, and memory-making.
There is so much pressure to be Dora the Explorer, rushing off on a grand family expedition every single Saturday and Sunday. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with just letting kids be instead of treating every weekend like an itinerary to be conquered.
Sometimes children need downtime, boring days at home, and parents who aren't burning themselves out trying to perform happiness.
He's probably buckling under the weight of expectations, both yours and his own invisible ones. Drop the pressure for a 'perfect' weekend, lower the bar right down, and let yourselves just breathe...

Maybe he has autism/ADHD (just thought I'd get that in first)

My ex husband was exactly the same. He was having an affair with a work colleague and weekends meant he didn’t see her and was grumpy/sad.

Does he drink on the weekends? Anxiety after a night of a few drinks, especially if you’re twitchy for more but feel like you can’t drink openly at midday would certainly make one anxious. Or other substances perhaps.

Apart from that, it sounds like he needs to take some initiative over his life. There’s more to weekends than sorting the garden and ‘family time’. Does he get up early and go for a run? See friends sometimes? Take the kids out solo so he gets proper time with them? Why don’t you switch and you sort the garden and he can go have fun with them for the day?

Change up your weekend routines. My DP gets tetchy and anxious when he doesn't exercise. So he would commonly go out on a bike ride really early in a morning and home for breakfast time, in a great mood. And that worked really well. Then later in the day I would have some time of my own to exercise. Tag team it and have time for each of you to decompress, and then come together to do nice things.

When do you get time to yourself at the weekend if on Sundays you are all together as a family and you take them out of his hair for several hours on a Saturday?

The children’s memories will be just as good if they hang out at home for the weekend playing with each other and just knowing mum and dad are puttering around nearby. Stop trying to make the weekend the perfect insta memory.

Why is he stressed? Is it spending time with the children? To be honest I think a lot of people feel like this. They just don’t vocalise it.

Having young kids is so tough, we have a 1 year old and nearly 5 year old.
DP was exactly the same since 1 year old was born and the only things that snapped him out of it was changing job, earning more money and getting more self esteem and feeling better within himself. I also stopped mothering him, stopped cooking as often for him and almost began to seperate myself from him. I took up the gym in the evenings when the kids went asleep and stoped spending so much time with him. Essentially focused on myself. I think a combination of him getting out of his “depression” and me creating a life without him snapped him out of it.

I've felt the same on Saturdays in the past. Weekends just felt relentless with so much to squeeze into 2 days before it was back to work. I cut down on making weekend plans and made more effort to keep on top of household stuff during the week so the weekends weren't so overwhelming.

Let him take the kids for several hours for you to do the garden. Or alternate doing that. Does he ever have them on his own?!

Exactly.

Always cherchez la femme on here!

This is so toxic and sad. Some men like the idea of having kids, family etc, but when it comes to the reality of it they realise it isn’t what they want at all but it’s too late.

sorry OP but you are going to regret raising your children in this environment, their childhood is so short and they soon pick up on his tension and mood: it’s not healthy or fair on them at all. Please think of your children and yourself. He clearly has passion/happiness and energy when it comes to his hobbies!!

Please think about this! It’s so obvious the mental health and depression card comes out when he has to be around the children or do parenting of some kind. If he has all the energy and passion to do his hobbies and is fine you really need to sort a plan.