Husband unhappy at weekends especially.

[Caspino]

Hi all,

Struggling with something and would like advice, opinions or experiences please.

Its Saturday and I've noticed my husband appears tense, distracted, a bit checked out so I've asked a few times what's wrong. He keeps saying nothing but then eventually I said you seem stressed and he said, its a weekend, im always stressed at weekends.

Its true. He does seem tense at weekends, I often take the kids out for a few hours on a Saturday so he can get a few hours to do some work in the garden etc we tend to spend Sundays as a family but today it really just broke my heart.

Our 2 children are very young and we both work full time so I feel that our weekends together are the majority of their childhood and I just want them to be happy. I want my husband to be happy and mostly I want him to be happy to be with us. He got defensive when I tried to talk about it further so im not really sure what to do.

I should note he has anxiety and depression anyway but he has a lot of get up and go and passion for projects and hobbies.

I'm just really gutted tbh. Been sitting with a lump in my throat since he said it and just not sure what to do.

I was also thinking who keeps him happier during the week.

You can’t pick and choose when you’re “depressed”.. if he is as OP says “full of passion and energy” when he’s out and doing his hobbies, yet only seems to suffer when with them, there’s clearly more to this.

If they are very young they are a lot of work. I felt the same way about spending time with my very much loved DC. It was the constant having to do something or soothe, or feed, or help in the bathroom, feels like a second job, I could never just relax, and oh god the tantrums. DH used to have to take DD out every Saturday morning to the park for a few hours when she was a toddler so that I’d be ok for the rest of the weekend. Not all of us are set up for small kids. I found it a million times easier after 6yrs old.

This! His depression only happens at weekends when he is at home with his family, yet absolutely fine when out doing hobbies and at work. He’s selfish, I just know it.

He needs to get a grip, quite frankly.

Is he having an affair l would ask myself @Caspino.

How old are your kids? I recall not particularly enjoying weekends when my kids were really little. I worked full time and was good at my job – I could solve problems, lead well, got high praise. I enjoyed it. At home, little kids were hard work, unsatisfying and thankless. I think it wasn’t til 5/6yrs old that I genuinely started to look forward to weekends again.

ADHD immediately came to my mind too, passion for hobbies-hyperfocus, anxiety and low mood-classic ADHD, defensive-rejection sensitivity.
All ADHD symptoms.

My kids are 3.5 and 10 months old. It is obviously relentless but I am the default parent. (Most) dads have it so easy compared to mums.

He doesnt drink, I dont think he would or would even have time to have an affair, he is a good person and a good dad but I am 100% the default, I do most things for/with our kids and it just broke me a bit because our children were much longed for and planned. He loves them, I know that.

Our first is a unicorn baby/kid, super easy and easy to please. Our second is very fussy, very clingy and so far quite difficult to please so there is that added stress but still, I'd give anything to be able to spend more time with them although it is super intense and sometimes I'd love a break. I just remember that they are only this small for such a short time and time will fly in so I enjoy it as much as I can. I dont understand someone else not having that mindset? I'm so down about it.

I feel similar to your DH. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I’m not having an affair. Nor have I checked out of parenting. But my mental health is far worse at the weekend than during the (working) week. I do, however, try my very best not to show it. Sometimes that means upping my meds, sometimes it means asking my DH if I can just go out by myself for a bit, sometimes it’s just slapping on a smile and getting on with life. It’s tough though and exhausting.

We do suspect he may be neurodivergent in some way. He does get hyperfocussed/fixated on things, struggles with self esteem and socially, is a major introvert etc Any hobby he takes up he masters and moves on and they're all solo hobbies, no need to really engage with anyone else unless he really wanted to which is extremely rare.

I think there will be plenty of mums who also struggle to have that mindset and enjoy their children. There was a post from one the other day. Your post would probably sting for some of them. It's easy to say it's all about mindset when you've got that mindset. Some people could say they don't understand your mindset because you're letting your DH's emotions get you down instead of just appreciating what you have.

I’m Neurodivergent- can you all stop with this nonsense of trying to pin everything on adhd or autism. It’s exhausting.

Have you actually bothered to ask him why he feels the way he does on the weekends ? I take it neither of you are psychic so a conversation now and then about how you’re both doing is a good place to start with understanding him and his feelings.

True, and ofc i didn't mean I don't 'understand', I do really. It's exhausting and emotional and relentless but I guess I meant I don't understand why my husband doesn't want to try to adopt that mindset. I worded it poorly and you're right.

Young children are incredibly hard work and the attitude that it's precious time to be savoured with a smile on your face at all times is actually quite rare, especially amongst men, and it's not realistic to expect it from your husband to the same extent you feel it. I'd just have a chat with him and acknowledge his feelings (he probably feels guilty about disliking the young children stage, and bear in mind that dads don't do nearly as much shared commiserating/experience sharing about parenthood as mums do) - it will help him to have that validation that he's allowed to find a tough stage of life tough.

And the suggestions he is having an affair are just completely ridiculous. I'm sure it's happened in 1 in 1000 cases, but the vast majority of times when a man is grumpy at home with young children, it's because being a parent of young children is the only very difficult and tiring job you're not allowed to admit is very difficult and tiring. OP doesn't need to get worried about something that is a highly unlikely possibility

Yes ofc I have and its been met with defensiveness.

I am well versed and experienced with neurodivergence due to my professional background plus coming from a family with a lot of OCD, ASD and ADHD diagnoses within my family so many of his behaviours do align with some neurodivergences but ofc they can be intertwined or stand alone issues, it's just a suspicion (his and mine) and not a diagnosis.

Because you are letting him walk all over you. Why can’t you have a break?! I don’t understand.. Again, he is, as you said has “passion and energy” when it comes to his hobbies! And if anyone else mentions being ND, I will scream, women who are ND still parent and have to learn coping mechanisms.

You say he is a good dad and partner, I can’t see how when he’s only ever happy when he’s never around you guys? He won’t allow you a break, he makes you do everything parenting wise even though you work as well.. That is not a good dad or partner..

JFC the hatred for men in here is vile.
He has anxiety and depression. My guess he is so stressed at work that come the weekend he is desperate to relax and can’t knowing it all starts again on Monday, stressing
him out even more and the cycle continues. He needs to talk to someone about it.

It depends how you've approached it and worded it - even if you meant well, if he hears a subtext if "Why are you so grumpy, you should be enjoying this wonderful stage of life just like I do, what is wrong with you?" , that's going to be met with much more defensiveness than if he hears "I care about you, tell me your feelings and I will try to validate them"

This!!! As a ND single Mother I find this so frustrating. I do everything on my own and work two jobs. I can’t just say “ah I can’t parent today because I am ND”. You find a way to cope and do what is best for your children.

🤣🤣 Really? It’s funny how his “depression” never interferes with his hobbies as OP states he’s very passionate and has energy for those. He’s only ever got poor MH when we home.. I didn’t realise you could switch off depression, please share your wisdom as I’m sure many would love to know where this “off” button is. Thanks.

Pherian we are an ND family too, both kids diagnosed, which is why it resonated with me, my husband is very similar to what the OP was describing and we think he may have ADHD so it made sense to comment, if it helps her to understand why he is the way he is and realise that it's normal for him and helps them both to understand better then surely it's a good thing to consider it and either look into it or rule it out, there are after all a high number of undiagnosed individuals out there and better understanding can only improve things.

OP you come across quite intense in your drive to maximise every minute of “quality time” with your children, “they are only little once” etc, and lament your DH for not having the same drive. TBH reading between the lines you sound intense and possibly exhausting if you are like this every weekend. Do you ever just allow yourself, and your DH, to relax?

Brilliant.

Come on - a grumpy, unhappy or uncommunicative man doesn't not equate to autism ffs!!

It's great you found a way but not every ND person does. If they did there would be a lot less need for children's social care.