Husband unhappy at weekends especially.

[Caspino]

Hi all,

Struggling with something and would like advice, opinions or experiences please.

Its Saturday and I've noticed my husband appears tense, distracted, a bit checked out so I've asked a few times what's wrong. He keeps saying nothing but then eventually I said you seem stressed and he said, its a weekend, im always stressed at weekends.

Its true. He does seem tense at weekends, I often take the kids out for a few hours on a Saturday so he can get a few hours to do some work in the garden etc we tend to spend Sundays as a family but today it really just broke my heart.

Our 2 children are very young and we both work full time so I feel that our weekends together are the majority of their childhood and I just want them to be happy. I want my husband to be happy and mostly I want him to be happy to be with us. He got defensive when I tried to talk about it further so im not really sure what to do.

I should note he has anxiety and depression anyway but he has a lot of get up and go and passion for projects and hobbies.

I'm just really gutted tbh. Been sitting with a lump in my throat since he said it and just not sure what to do.

You obviously have no fucking clue how depression works if you think the fact someone can make time for and enjoy hobbies is proof they aren’t depressed.
I have depression, I still go to and enjoy the gym every week. Would you like to laugh at me now?

The weekends are hard work with small children - yes some of it is fun but a lot of it is stressful and if you’ve been at work all week you need a bit of downtime.

This is the challenge when you both work full time.

The good thing is that it really does get easier as they get older and do more for themselves/ make a bit less mess / you can do more as a family without it being a massive exercise just to get out the door. x

Why the quotes around 'depression'? Did you believe your DP was faking it, and/or do you generally believe depression can simply be 'snapped out of'?

He’s a man so obviously he must be faking it.

Potentially that's what he hears although thats not what I mean and I try to be open and communicative but im sure he sense my frustration. I'll bear it in mind for sure thanks.

Interesting. No i have absolutely zero time to relax and you're right, I try to maximise quality time with my kids and I know i am over the top compared to some other mums I know. They are so young and need so much right now, I know that will get less and less over time but yeah, I suppose I am pretty intense that way and its something for me to reflect on for sure. Thanks.

You actually sound lovely OP but I have a lovely friend like this and it’s all the making memories/ quality time stuff- most weekends she has it pretty planned and there’s not much down time - and to be honest I would be knackered being around it - I find ‘a lot ‘ of introverted men like the idea of families , but also back in the real world like plenty of time on their own for hobbies and doing their own thing and if it’s full on they find it hard to cope with mentally

It doesn’t help her understand anything because he hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD or anything else that she’s shared with us. It isn’t helpful at all to try and diagnose people from your arm chair on the internet.

It’s offensive and it isn’t helpful to people who have these conditions.

This!

We had similar on the weekends. I think the change in routine, the expectation of being able to relax but not actually being able to (because young kids are relentless!) and resentment from the default parent at still having to do everything on the weekend was a perfect storm for bad moods. We had many, many discussions about how one person’s mood cannot affect the whole household and now we’re very clear about who’s doing what each weekend and when we each get time to ourselves. The promise of being able to read a book upstairs undisturbed, watch the cricket, get out for a pint or a run / whatever we need has really helped. Plus better general communication about when we need a minute away from the chaos. The depression here adds another layer, but that doesn’t mean he can be in a foul mood all weekend while you run around after the children. What is it he’d like to be doing? What would you like to do? How can you carve out time so everyone’s having their needs met? His not enjoying this stage isn’t a reflection on your family or children. A lot of people don’t love looking after fussy babies, it’s hard work!

I go back to a similar thought I posted earlier. If parents go into the toddler years expecting order, quiet, and predictability, they are going to constantly fight reality.
Every little mess or meltdown feels like a crisis, so they end up creating a mountain out of a molehill and making it exhausting for themselves. Meanwhile, if people just drop the micromanagement and stop trying to control every moving part, including the other parent, the whole stage looks completely different.
Mine are teens; yes, we did go out or have days decorating eggs, for instance, but in the main we just let them roam about the house/garden making a mess and noise or playing with other kids.

Goldilocks parenting: an over-performative, high-maintenance approach, where everything has to be meticulously curated, scheduled, and stressed over just to meet some KPI of parenting.

Thank you, this is helpful ❤️

yes I probably am sort of goldilocks parenting, lots to think about!

😮

Having an affair in the week. 100%.

My exH was the same.
Then suddenly he told me that he's joined a poker game every Sunday lunchtime and was back to normal. So we had Sunday lunch at 6.00.pm

Of course he wasn't playing cards, just "playing away".🙄

What a penis. I hope you have moved on.

Of course. Peak MN.

As soon as I found out he got the divorce papers the next week !

Very much the same here, except no small children. Weekends are boring, never wants to go anywhere or do anything, at least not with me! Doesn’t want to do anything around the house either, just sits watching the same crappy tv programmes on repeat. Multiple mental health issues and possible neurodiversity, “doesn’t know” why he is miserable or why he can’t make any effort to help himself, it’s been 10 years and slowly getting worse. High functioning at work and one obsessive interest. I wish I had some useful advice for the op, I’m busy trying to make a life for myself with a view to leaving when I’m financially able. Sadly I’ve lost hope that anything will change, I know he’s depressed and thinks I would be better off without him, problem is the more he shuts me out, the more I’m beginning to think that I’d be better off without him, sadly.

We were sitting in the car this afternoon, and we'd been out for lunch. Stopped at the shop and bought some push ice creams for the kids. One turned to the other and said remember when we collected these sticks and made some swords.
If you asked them about the Disneyland Paris trip, they would say to warm, too much walking about, and too many queues.

I think kids cherish the simple moments.

We had this. Dh just didn't want to do anything. I decided to just do what I wanted with the dc at weekends. I stopped even inviting him, I just organised days out and left. I also talked to people in front of him about how he doesn't do things with the family. Not in a negative way but a very factual "oh no dh doesn't come out". After about 6 months he seemed to have an epiphany and suddenly changed a lot of things, lost weight, started coming out with us, became happier. I think it was a midlife crisis really but he had to get himself out of it.

OP - I was you 6 years ago . The youngest was 5. DH had been miserable at weekends for 8 years at this point . I had ended up solo parenting as it was so sad trying to parent with someone who hated family life and just wanted to be doing his hobbies .
I gave him an ultimatum , shape up or ship out - asked him to leave for 2 weeks . Guess what - he sorted his shit out and we are atill
happy 6 years later . Life got easier past the young children stage and he got stuck in.
The key is deciding that YOU DESERVE TO HAPPY with or without him.

Doubt it, I was like this and my DC was definitely the source of my feelings. Not their fault but god I hate the early years.

Op you need to have a come to jesus chat with him, yes they are bloody annoying but he’s going to have to pitch in, grit his teeth and get on with it. He needs to pull his weight and just get through it. Expecting him to enjoy it is too much tbh, but he still has an obligation to you and the children to try to put a calm happy front on. What he is feeling is total normal for a lot of us but women don’t tend to get to opt out. Don’t try to change his feelings about it, just encourage him to unclench and it will get easier.

All very convenient. So this means you get to focus just on the stuff you enjoy, sulk if anyone asks you to do anything (till they just do it themselves) and no one is allowed to criticise any of this. Lucky all parents don’t do that isn’t it.