Should I speak to my friend before visiting after her remark?

[FrancesLiz]

Hope it's OK to ask this here even though it's not a parenting issue. Long post warning.
I have an old friend I was planning on visiting soon when me and my husband will be visiting my home town. My husband has told me he is happy for me to see her but will not join me on the visit.
He then told me that, sometime ago (I'm talking years) when he had commented - he thinks in a friendly way - on one of her Facebook posts, another person had taken issue with his comment and my friend had responded " take no notice of him, he's a d**k". He thinks he told me at the time but I have no memory of it and I'm pretty sure I would remember as I'm feeling quite shocked now having been told/reminded about it today. He can't remember what the post was about and what he and the other person said.
I have to talk to her about this and my dilemma is whether to phone her now and find out if that is what she thinks of him or talk to her when I visit. If I speak to her and find out it's true I don't think I want to visit.
She's an old friend but I am fond of her. Part of me thinks her response was in character as she was always outspoken and part of me really hopes it is a misunderstanding.
Sorry for the long question but, if you were me, would you address this in advance by phone or face to face? TIA

It sounds like it could have been said in jest by your friend and DH took it literally.

It also sounds like he caused offence with how he spoke about her SM post.

Is he usually perceptive in social situations?

I think it all depends on whether or not your dh actually was a dick. If he was, then don't worry, go see you're friend.

And if he wasn't - ah, what the hell, see her anyway.

Why would you have to talk to her about a comment on Facebook from years ago? She probably won't even remember.

“He can’t remember what the post was about”
Yeah, right, but he remembers what he wrote and what your friend wrote. Funny, that.

My guess is he wrote a comment that he thought was lighthearted but obviously caused offence to someone.
Your friend added a comment that she thought was lighthearted but obviously caused offence to someone (your DH).
Now you are taking offence when you weren’t involved or affected at the time, you are hugely overreacting.

If this person is an old friend of yours just let it go. None of it matters, and it was years ago.

I wouldn't address it at all. She us entitled to think he is a dick. It happened years ago. Why us ge bringing it up now? To be that is quite dickish

If he cannot show the post for you to show her then the whole thing falls apart as she cannot defend herself without the evidence of what was said by all parties.

Was he being a dick?

I wouldn’t address it at all. It was years ago, I doubt she’d remember.

if you meat up and she asks why your DH didn’t come then I’d be honest about it, but contacting her to bring up something your DH said happened years ago would be weird.

You could probably look it up on Facebook if you wanted to?

Sounds like a joke and definitely not worth bringing up after all this time, especially when you don’t even know what was said.

I think any normal person would go 'maybe i was being a dick, its so long ago I cant remember what the post was so it doesnt matter does it!' and think it was funny, the fact he's using that as evidence she's been mean to him years later makes me think he probably was being a dick tbh.

Also why would that make you not want to see her? You can still be friends with someone who isnt keen on your partner?

If this happened years ago, surely you’ve seen her since and surely this would have arisen before now?
If someone felt the need to comment on his reply and your friend felt the need to say he was a dick then maybe he was/is!
It’s all a bit strange and I’d hazard a guess that he’s too embarrassed to meet with her because he was indeed a dick in his comment to her post.

Not everything needs a confrontation and an explanation and talking it out and resolution and closure.

You can just shrug it off as one of those things.

Your friend still wants to see you, you still want to see your friend - there’s not really an issue here.

Can you search it in your history?
I wouldn't see someone like her, if it's true. Unless it was a silly joke about someone called Rick, etc.

Yeah, suspicious that he doesn't remember what the original comment was. But is holding a grudge about the comment from years ago and has only brought it up now. Any reason he would want to stop you seeing your friend? Does he usually get involved in deciding who you should meet up with?

I wouldn't do anything about this no. Maybe your husband said something unwise. You say she is outspoken. I would imagine this was a years old off the cuff remark that she made in response to something rather silly that he had said, and I would let sleeping dogs lie. Friends are precious but they are not always perfect.

Why do anything about it? Your husband doesn't like her, you do, so just go see her without your husband. Job done

DP has a couple of friends that I can't stand, and she absolutely loathes one of mine. So we just don't subject each other to their company, and all is fine.

He probably made a bit of a dick comment and she responded in kind.

It was years ago and she will have long forgotten all about it.

He's embarrassed and doesn't want to face her. He absolutely knows what it was about if he remembers what she said, just coincidentally doesn't remember what he said. It was clearly offensive of someone else who doesn't even know him stepped in and told him off. She's probably right and she's probably glad he doesn't want to go.

If I had to guess, I'd say he was being a dick.

Can you go back through her FB and find out what was written?

Did she say he was a dick or was being a dick? Quite different things. And I agree - context would help. Maybe his reply was a bit off and so was hers. People we usually like can, over the course of a long lifetime, rile us on FB with their attitudes to Brexit and vaccines and refugee boats and trans issues and Trump/Bojo/Farage and whether God exists and Israel/Palestine and veganism and green belt on and on and on. Almost everyone I love is an utter dick at some point, imo, as, I'm sure am I, in their opinion at times.

It's a LONG time ago. I honestly wouldn't choose to take issue with it now, if you like her and want to see her.

She probably has no recollection of the situation and will think you are a loon bringing it up. Is this really the thing you want to make waves with?

I think you’re overthinking it. Obviously friend’s friend didn’t like the comment, hence your friend’s response. In this context, all your friend meant was that your dh is being an idiot and to ignore him, and don’t take him seriously. Nothing more than that.

Plus it was years ago so friend has probably forgotten that she even wrote it.

Sounds like your husband is a bit of a dick Tbf