Should I speak to my friend before visiting after her remark?

[FrancesLiz]

Hope it's OK to ask this here even though it's not a parenting issue. Long post warning.
I have an old friend I was planning on visiting soon when me and my husband will be visiting my home town. My husband has told me he is happy for me to see her but will not join me on the visit.
He then told me that, sometime ago (I'm talking years) when he had commented - he thinks in a friendly way - on one of her Facebook posts, another person had taken issue with his comment and my friend had responded " take no notice of him, he's a d**k". He thinks he told me at the time but I have no memory of it and I'm pretty sure I would remember as I'm feeling quite shocked now having been told/reminded about it today. He can't remember what the post was about and what he and the other person said.
I have to talk to her about this and my dilemma is whether to phone her now and find out if that is what she thinks of him or talk to her when I visit. If I speak to her and find out it's true I don't think I want to visit.
She's an old friend but I am fond of her. Part of me thinks her response was in character as she was always outspoken and part of me really hopes it is a misunderstanding.
Sorry for the long question but, if you were me, would you address this in advance by phone or face to face? TIA

He's pinged my abuse radar with historic/unverifiable reasons you shouldn't see/trust your friend.

God leave it. Don't bring it up. It's done, it's gone...holding her to account for this years later would be bloody ridiculous.
Why has he brought it up now anyway? To put a fly in your ointment?

Funny how he can’t remember what the post was, what he or the other person said , but he remembers your friend’s comment word for word.

I have to talk to her about this

Why? And you really don't. It happened years ago and you don't know the context of her comment.

You've taken knee-jerk offence without knowing the first thing about how the comment arose, so no, you can't bring this up out of nowhere, years later. It's pretty clear that you intend bringing it up in anger, which would be very foolish without seeing the exchange.

Why do you have to mention this- it was years ago and he can’t remember what he wrote.

Sounds like he is trying to sabotage the friendship.

You’re friends—talk about it in person—while relationships don’t hinge on a SM comment, do they?

Presumably you know your husband and friend well enough to know what values, humour they share or differ on.

I find it curious that your husband recalls being described as a ‘dick’ but can’t recall what it was in response to 🤔

The comment could’ve been about the other person, just wrong tagging.

It’s been years.

Your husband could’ve actually been a dick , especially since he doesn’t “remember”.

It’d been years.

How has this not come up , until now?

You can see your friend without your husband.

This

Thanks everyone. I am going to see her next week and DH is going to occupy himself elsewhere while I do this. I will talk to her about it and now see that face to face would be best so won't phone her about it first.
He's not usually hypersensitive and he says she definitely said he's a "d**k" not "he's being one" and, for me, there is a distinction. I can't scroll back to check as she posts a lot!!
It was some time ago but we have not had an opportunity to all 3 get together so the dilemma hasn't arisen until now.
Hopefully our friendship won't be affected.
It has helped to write it all down and see the different perspectives so thanks again.

Are you not even slightly surprised that he only remembers half the story? And what if she doesn’t remember either? What will you do then?

So all the women are running around solving a problem he doesn't fully remember.

I think you're mad to do this. He should be looking for the post and working out what the issue was, not you.

Does your dh need you to challenge your friend about something that happened between him and another adult? Has he asked you to? If so, leave it be - it was years ago. No need to mention it at all.

I am going to see her next week and DH is going to occupy himself elsewhere while I do this

Surely he'd have done this anyway? Does he usually tag along when you meet your friends?

A throw away comment years ago about a comment he can't even remember, I would forget it if you are still friends. Sounds like your DH may have a thin skin if he's harbouring resentment about this when he can't even remember what it was about. Perhaps he was a dick in that moment.

If I was the friend and you brought this up to me, I'd be thinking, "Oh, God. So much drama and negativity. No thank you." I'd distance myself from you after this.

This would only serve to make me uncomfortable about how I inadvertently upset your husband, and to the extent he's been holding a grudge for years. And it would spoil what I anticipated as a lovely reunion.

You've had her as a friend for many years for good reason. This is not a pattern with her apparently, but a one-off and/or misunderstanding. Shouldn't you be giving her the benefit of the doubt, in this case, versus assuming the worse?

Maybe it's best you two go your separate ways as you're not acting like a good friend if you corner her like you plan on doing.

Christ if a friend brought up a Facebook comment from years ago, I'd have no idea what she was on about and I'd be agog that it was an issue.

Is your Dh very opinionated online?

Christ, something was said years ago. Why are you even entertaining talking about it.

I wouldn't even bring it up. Your DH can't even recall what it was about and you don't remember him telling you at the time. Seems like you could blow up the whole friendship for nothing. In general it's not sensible to ask people what they think of your partner - most will answer favourably unless they lack basic social skills, so you won't be any the wiser. Just enjoy the catch up and let your DH do his own thing. Seems odd to me that he is still mulling it over.

Is everyone in this scenario 14 years old? That's the only way it makes any sense,

I'm glad you're not going to call her up for a discussion and instead will visit her as planned.
If it all happened years ago, I'm not sure I'd even bother bringing it up.
If she asks "where's DH?" you could say something about he felt uncomfortable visiting after an old facebook post where he feels she revealed she doesn't think much of him.
He doesn't have to be part of your relationship with her and he's said he's happy for you to see her so would just leave it at that.

Hi Op if he did tell you at the time I’m sure you would have looked at the post to see it yourself. I would see her then if she asks where dh is just say oh he didn’t want to come as you think he’s a dick then see what she says. Op a lot of people I know don’t like other half’s much so don’t mix but it’s not a bad thing.

My cousin, who I love dearly, once pissed off one of my FB friends on my page (they've never met and indeed live on opposite sides of the world) and they had a very short verbal spat. It was very awkward, and I can't remember what I said during that conversation, to put a stop to it.

I can't even remember which friend it was, never mind anything more.

I can understand why you'd want to know what went on OP, so would I- but truthfully, bringing this up with your friend now is not going to do any good for your relationship with her.

Let's say she did say this- do you really think she'd say it for no reason?

If she would, then why?

And if you don't think she would, in what context would she?

You've also not got any "evidence" as such, so how is this conversation going to play out?

"My husband said you called him xxxx but he can't remember why, what can you tell me about it?"

If you could at least see the post then you'd have context for yourself to make a decision.

"My husband mentioned this post where you were talking about xyz. He commented abc and you called him a xxxx. Can you tell me why?"

If you then add - "It was 2 years ago." then your friend might be wondering why are you bringing this up now?

Your husband needs to take responsibility here. If his behaviour was questionable then he needs to account for it - and if it wasn't then he needs to explain why he's only bringing this up now.

And I'd be looking at your husband for more explanations and context before questioning and possibly really upsetting a friend.

You also need to consider that if you ask your friend for an honest opinion on something, you may not like the answer.

My advice would be to question your husband more. If he can give more context then great- if not, it's not an issue because you're going to see your friend anyway. I'd advise you to not bring it up and have a jolly good catch up.

If something feels off during the catch up then you reflect on it, see her sooner next time and address it all then, but only after you've seen the post your husband is referring to.

Literally, go on her profile and put in the exact wording she used into the search bar, or on your search bar put her name with that sentence in. It may bring something up... but what will you do if it does?

I wouldn't want to fall out with my friend or my husband here. Talk to your husband first. He has more information.

If you genuinely really like her as a friend, and it was a one off comment, why on earth rake up something that happened years ago?

Was alcohol involved? Regardless of that she won’t remember anyway.

What do you expect to achieve by talking to her about it apart from making yourself look like a bit of a dick that holds onto things?

You either want to be friends with her or you don’t and sometimes you have to let things go.

I’m feeling sorry for your friend. She’s thinking you’re going to have a lovely catch up and then you’re going to ambush her over something that happened years ago.
Poor lady, she’s going to be horribly embarrassed either way. Don’t do it.