Should I speak to my friend before visiting after her remark?

[FrancesLiz]

Hope it's OK to ask this here even though it's not a parenting issue. Long post warning.
I have an old friend I was planning on visiting soon when me and my husband will be visiting my home town. My husband has told me he is happy for me to see her but will not join me on the visit.
He then told me that, sometime ago (I'm talking years) when he had commented - he thinks in a friendly way - on one of her Facebook posts, another person had taken issue with his comment and my friend had responded " take no notice of him, he's a d**k". He thinks he told me at the time but I have no memory of it and I'm pretty sure I would remember as I'm feeling quite shocked now having been told/reminded about it today. He can't remember what the post was about and what he and the other person said.
I have to talk to her about this and my dilemma is whether to phone her now and find out if that is what she thinks of him or talk to her when I visit. If I speak to her and find out it's true I don't think I want to visit.
She's an old friend but I am fond of her. Part of me thinks her response was in character as she was always outspoken and part of me really hopes it is a misunderstanding.
Sorry for the long question but, if you were me, would you address this in advance by phone or face to face? TIA

So at least 2 people thought he said something dickish. Yeah, he was being a dick and is still being a dick, holding onto a Facebook grudge for years, while pretending he can't remember his part in it.

My BIL constantly says dickish (racist, MAGA, sexist) things and runs crying to SIL when called on it.

I just talk to him about cooking IRL so I don't call him a dick to his dickish face.

Any chance she was saying the person replying to your husbands comment was a dick?
Honestly why even bring this up beforehand, she pribably can't even remember ans you are totally blowing this out of proportion. If you must just ask her when you see her - something like "DH mentioned something on facebook x years ago, how funny, do you recall"?

I would either not mention it as it’s ages ago and not that deep. It’s highly likely your friend was joking and won’t even remember.

Or if you feel you must , say it casually in person “dh mentioned you called him a dick on Facebook years ago , I said I have no memory of this do you? “
And see what she says

I'd wait until you are face to face. Then you can judge whether it was meant nastily or not.

This is a non-issue, surely. It was years ago, you don’t actually know what the conversation was even about, you don’t even really know whether the ‘he’s a dick’ thing was truly aimed at your husband or the other bloke involved, and for all you know maybe your husband WAS being a dick. Just forget about it.

Obviously he didn't tell you at the time as you wouldn't have forgotten this. I'm guessing the reason he didnt tell you back then is he was embarrassed because he knew he was being a dick.

Now he thinks enough time has passed that he plausibly could have forgotten what he wrote, so he can bring it up.

I'd let it go. Maybe he misunderstood her, and she said it in a jokey way. Or maybe she did genuinely think he was a dick. Maybe he was being a bit of a dick. Who cares? It was obviously a very minor thing and it was years ago. Just take the opportunity to have a nice catch up with your friend.

It's great to have a loyalty toward your husband, but I think you'd be going overboard in questioning her in this situation. It'd be a totally different situation if your friend was badmouthing your husband to you in a serious manner. Then, you could justifiably not want to see her again.

But as said by some posters, she could have been making a joke she didn't know would be taken in such a serious way. That's often the problem with texts and written comments. You can't hear the tone.

In your shoes, I'd meet with her and say, "I asked my husband not to come, as I thought it'd be nice for us to catch up one on one."

Depends on what he said and what was being discussed at the time ie whether or not he was being a dick.

If I speak to her and find out it's true I don't think I want to visit.

What if it’s true because he was in fact being a dick?

This is such a massive overreaction from you and dh
maybe he was being a dick - he can’t remember
maybe she was joking
it seems crazy that he didn’t address it at the time but cares enough that years later won’t be in her company, over a single comment.

why do you need to address it at all? Either she was joking or she really does think he’s a dick, and does it actually matter if this friend you hardly see doesn’t like your dh?
or are you addressing it to defend him? I’d just let it go.

Are you sure she wasn't referring to the other poster who took issue with your DH? Unless your DH is a dick, surely he wouldn't have posted anything controversial that could have led to both your friend and some random person taking issue with the comment.

No, you don’t have to talk to her about such a childish non issue. Your DH needs to grow up and not shit stir with ridiculous wah she made a slightly rude post, I bet him and his mates call each other worse names with a laugh and a smile.

Agree with everyone.

it’s a huge red flag, concern, re HIM.

Go and see your friend, if it really did happen it will still be there.

sounds much more like he has something to hide. Particularly as you don’t remember it at all.

I hope you are ok.

I think it's odd that your husband can't remember what the post is about, but I am someone who would remember in finite detail - so maybe it's me that's odd, and they do say that people remember how you made them feel over what you say. It is possible that your husband doesn't remember what the post is about but does remember how he felt about her comment.

Either way, you say this is a good friend you've known for a while, would she be upset if she knew your husband was still upset?

Can you use key words to find the post on Facebook?

Go and see your friend! There's no point in everyone falling out over something that people can't remember fully and that happened years ago!

This was my first thought. Is he always bit touchy about stuff?

I would think carefully before bringing this up with a friend.

Can’t understand why you would even mention it. Particulary as he “can’t remember” what he said to prompt the comment. Water under the bridge.

I wouldn't address it with her at all.

So everyone here would be fine if one of your dh’s friends said that about you? I think it depends if it was joking? I get someone saying it in real life but it might not look good online iykwim, it might not have looked like a joke but maybe it was?

How long ago are we talking? Unless she's a serial poster, just scroll back and find the post.

It was years ago, literally just leave it.

I’m not sure what you want out of it.
Either she said it and was joking or DH was actually being a dick.
Or she didn’t say it and then you’re going to know either her or DH is lying but not sure which.

Sounds like your DH is trying to cause trouble just before her visit.

Considering that he said something dickish a few years ago, perhaps he’s got form for this type of behaviour.

It couldn’t have been that big of a deal to DH if it happened years ago and he’s only just mentioning it.

I’d be really suspicious of this. I doubt he did tell you at the time as you would have wanted to resolve it then. He can remember clearly what she said, but not what he said or even what the topic at hand was. And he can’t remember when it was to allow you or your friend to look at the evidence for yourself.

I wouldn’t be fine with it, but I’d have raised it at the time and got it resolved then. While it was fresh in everyone’s mind and the context and evidence was easy to see. I wouldn’t wait long enough that I conveniently couldn’t remember any details to let the friend defend themselves.